Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Nothing but Met

There are many reasons why I wish I was famous. One of the biggest one is that it is my dream to attend the Met Costume Gala in New York City. This is like a who's who of fashion and Hollywood, and it's okay to go a little bit overboard with your ensemble, which makes it slightly more exciting than a huge event like the Oscars, when everyone's just trying to stay off the worst dressed lists. I love that the outfits for this event are dramatic and over the top. However, some people went so far past the top that they fell to their fashion death and probably should never go out in public again.

After scanning through the US Weekly photo album, here are a few things that stuck out to me:

- Tangerine is still in. So is peplum. And gold sparkles. But did those ever really go anywhere?
- Goth is happening. More in makeup, but some Morticia-like gowns snuck in there too. Ask me how I feel about it.
- Celebs are still trying to pass off gowns that are batshit crazy and calling them fashion forward. If you resemble a shiny trash bag, you gots to go. I don't care what year it is, I don't care if Hefty is sponsoring Fashion Week, certain things will always be ugly, even when beautiful people wear them. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WEAR UGLY CLOTHES.

So without further adieu, let's get into some of my personal favorites, from the couture to the catastrophic.

Nina Dobrev: I'm not entirely sure who this chick is or where she came from. I take that back, I know she's on a CW show about vampires that I could care less about. But she is gorgeous and every time I see her on a red carpet I am in awe of how she puts herself together. I love her gold and black one shoulder number. She borders on pageant with the pose, the gown, the hair and the perfect smile, but all around I just find her to be so beautiful and I would like to lose half my body weight and then borrow this dress from her. I'm not saying I have to lose weight, she is just that damn tiny.

Dianna Agron: I'm glad she has finally figured out how to do something with that horrible haircut. I appreciate the old school glamour hair do and a good smoky eye. I also like that among a sea of dark, heavy, ornate gowns she is rocking a loose teal number. However I think it's too loose, and personally I'm sick of seeing her in this silohuette. She is young! And thin! And you would never know it because she wears dresses like this all the time. If she had dressed like this on Glee no one would have ever discovered her teen pregnancy. 

Emma Stone: Eeek. I know I said I like when people go a little crazy and wear something a little out there with crazy detailing, but this red detailed number is not a good look for her. I appreciate her wearing red again, but if you're going to wear a risk taking dress, you have to work it. You can't look like a scared child that is being forced to live her life as a marionette doll, which is prescicesly what Ms. Stone looks like. I fee uncomfortable for her seeing her uptight stance and too fair highlights. 

Jessica Alba: I actually think this dress is slightly tame for the Met, but it's still everything I would expect a starlette to wear. She looks like a cross between a Greek goddess and that gold lady that everyone said died in James Bond. I appreciate the hair and the red lip. All in all? Nailed it. 

Karolina Kurkova: Upon looking at this picture, I know you're thinking "who the eff is that girl?!" And you're right, she barely looks like herself because you know, she's wearing a turban, but there is something about the rest of this look that I sort of love. It's the Met Ball! This is one of the few events where shiz like this is appropriate. The sparkles are amazing, and I am always up for sparkles for a formal event. Also, sleeves are back. Kate Middleton was right. 

Carey Mulligan: Okay, I know I said it was okay to wear something a little outlandish, but come on. She looks like an expensive fish. Props on hair and makeup, though.

Beyonce: Am I being celeb-sacreligious if I say that I'm a little over Beyonce? I feel like everyone is just obsessed with her, and no one more than herself. This dress reminded me of the exact same Versace number she wore a few years ago that required her to be carried up the stairs (although looking back, I think that she used the dress as an excuse and really just wanting to be like "what bitches?! That's right, you're carrying me"). I don't get the purple, and I'm not so much of a fan of what I like to call "naked' dresses. Not impressed.

Camilla Belle: Everything about her is pretty. Even her name implies gorgeousness. She looks so beautiful, but why, oh why did she have to muck it up with the goth makeup?! 

Gwyneth Palthrow: Ugh. Another snoozer from Boring McGee. Seriously. I can't stand her. This is a somewhat outlandish event. Why wear a half mini skirt with bedazzled pockets?

Every cast member from Girls: The prom section at JC Penney called and they want all of their dresses back.

Amber Heard: I love Amber Heard, and I don't know why. She always looks gorgeous, but this dress was such a disappointment coming from her. News flash: this dress didn't look good on Charlize Theron at the Oscars all those years ago, and it's not working for you either.

Anna Wintour: I get that she's like, the hostess for this event and EIC of Vogue so she could probably wear a track suit and people would be like "oh my God! A track suit?! Why didn't I think of that?! Casual glamour is back!!!!" But seriously. It's May. Time to store the furs, I would say.

Coco Rocha: Worst everything. Ever.

Lana Del Rey: I actually sort of like her dress, but between the cape (not a capelet, and actual cape) and the lipstick, she looks like an extra from Van Helsing. Maybe that's why she's frowning.

Solange: Now this is a Knowles sister I can get behind. She usually dresses like she's two shades of crazy, but I think she looks amazing in this lemon gown with a peplum detail. True, goes against everything I said about sporting a little extra something for the most fanciful fashion event of the year, but I give her a solid B+ on this one.

Amy Poehler: Ahhhh. This leather dress is too serious for someone so funny. Her discomfort is palpable. 

Chloe Sevigny: Ugh... she's another one that everyone thinks is so fashion forward and I think she looks homeless 85% of the time. This dress breaks a cardinal rule of fashion in that it photographs horribly. Also it's hideous. The only person that can get away with this is Goldie Hawn on Laugh In, which was like thirty years ago. 

Christina Ricci: Please don't judge me (although let's be honest, that's why we're all here today anyway) but I sort of love this. It's kinda glamorous but also kinda weird, which I think works for her (hello?! Wednesday Adams, anyone?!) and for this event. I do wish it was a floor length gown though. I think that would have been more appropriate and it would have looked slightly more couture. 

Claire Danes: Did she forget to get a dress? This looks like one of my Crate and Barrel sheets that was haphazardly pinned in the limo on the way in. The only thing working here is her hair, I love it. 

Dakota Fanning: I know she's young and it's May, but can we do away with the prom theme, like now?

Mary Kate Olsen: Wait, she was there? All I see is the old lady from Titanic

Rashida Jones: She is 36. But she consistently dresses like she's 76. There should be some kind of law that prevents young, funny women from looking like bag ladies. 

Amy Adams: LOVE LOVE LOVE. This may be my favorite look of the evening. I'm serious. From the belt to the color blocking to the fabulous hair, she looks like a modern day Veronica Lake. That gold bow may as well be a gold star. 

Brooklyn Decker: File this one under "When Bad Clothes Happen to Gorgeous People." I think this is an actual David's Bridal mother of the bride dress. I didn't think it was possible for someone to make bangs look old, but congrats, Brooklyn. You did it.

Cameron Diaz: Screw subtlety. Yes, she may have outlined her ass, but it was only to distract from her Something About Mary hair. 

Diane Krueger: Fearful she wouldn't get in, she came as an oversized feather duster under the premise that she was part of the custodial staff. 

Ginnifer Goodwin: I actually like this dress, I think the color and the detailing is amazing, but I feel like ever since she cut her hair like that, she just looks sad. Why the puss, Sad Doll?

Renee Zellweger: I believe Michael Kors said it best on Project Runway when he informed on of the contestants the gown she had constructed made the model look as if she was "pooing fabric." Enough said.

Sofia Vergara: Wow, for her, this is like, tame, right? Do you think she was sick of people just talking about her boobs, so she picked the world's biggest crumb catcher to tone down the ta tas? I don't really care either way, kind of like this. But straight hair on the red carpet is the bane of my existence. Boo.

Heidi Klum: Is it possible that her face and body are getting better with age but her style is getting worse? I think black is the only acceptable color if you're going to go with dark lace. This just looks like it went through the wash with an untreated pair of jeans. Yawn.

Katherine McPhee: Orange again! I like this. She looks like a very fancy nectarine. I like her hair off her face too.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, normally I hate everything she wears, because like many other female comedians she dresses terribly. But I think she looks really cool and fun, and again, orange. I think it goes well with this hair color she's working lately.

Kristen Stewart: Hey, what a surprise? I hate this. She looks a crack addict who woke up in the street and sewed four different dresses together with old dental floss. 

Debra Messing: Sparkles! Have I mentioned I love sparkles? But this is kind of like a sparkly potato sack. It's saggy-ness in the hip area only seems to draw more attention to her non-existent cleavage.

Jessica Chastain: She made it through the majority of award season looking amazing. How she ended up looking like an overpriced throw pillow from Pier 1 is beyond me. I know it's Louis Vuitton, but why would any designer make a gown out of a fabric that resembles a crumpled Kleenex?

Kirsten Dunst: No joke- when I first saw this picture I thought it was Vanessa Redgrave, and I was like what is the old lady from Atonement doing at the Met Gala? This would be an example of a bad way to wear the orange trend. 

Leighton Meester: She should probably just give up her actual identity and live her life as Blair Waldorf. I know this is her "natural" hair color, but just because God gave it to you doesn't mean it works. Also her dress is my least favorite color, paper bag. Otherwise known as fakacta. 

Rihanna: I am also sick of her for many reasons, but that's another post for another day. I'm not totally sure what this dress looks like from the front, but all I know is that crocodile is meant for bags and shoes (faux, of course). And what the hell is happening on her head?! Please just... go away.

Rooney Mara: I take back what I said about black lace. 

Eva Mendes: Wow. More examples of how you can take a really hot trend and make it awful. Peplum? Too long. Tangerine? Too orange. If this was a real costume gala, like as in Halloween, it would be totally appropriate. But looking like a jack-o-lantern in May? Not even arriving with Ryan Gosling could have helped this ensemble.

Elizabeth Banks: Not even Effie Trinket would try to pass this off as acceptable Capital wear. It looks like the scrap pile from Mood threw up on a set of shoulder pads. 

Rosario Dawson: Seriously? Leather? Is this what's happening now? As far as I'm concerned, the only woman that can pull of a leather dress is Angelina Jolie circa 2007. And who really wants to look like a homewrecker, anyway?

I know I definitely missed a few here and there, but you have to understand that the photo galleries on Yahoo and US Weekly had an average of 75 pictures in them. Also I can only be so mean in one day.

So who were your favorites? Did you like the glamour girls or the bag ladies? More importantly, how can I sneak into this next year so my husband stops making fun of me for pretending I was there?



  1. I, too, am over Beyonce and based on that yellow dress alone, I'm now on Team Solange!

    1. Agreed. Solange is where it's at!


  2. The Blue show poking out from the bottom of Ginnifers orange dress....I talked Arianna in to buying the Beautiful royal blue shoes she loved(After 2 weeks of searching for Silver shoes)To go with her Green Prom dress, I finally convinced her color blocking with shoes is a good thing!!!!

    1. Good eye Lisa- I didn't even notice the shoe before! And Arianna is lucky- I feel like prom fashion has improved so much over the years. When I went to prom, the in thing was those clear heeled stripper shoes, and a bunch of my friends filled them with glitter and we thought that was like, the epitome of style. WTF?!


  3. This is my favorite red carpet recap ever. I agree with most of your assessments. People need to stop acting like garbage looks gorgeous just because it's being worn by an alleged fashion icon. Solange's style rocks even though it's a bit nutty. And I actually like this for Cameron Diaz, compared to what she normally wears, even if it does outline her booty. At least she's somewhat dressing like an adult. Oh, and I almost spit out my coffee laughing at your Olsen comment.

    1. Thanks, Erin. I'm glad someone else agrees with me that 90% of these people look terrible. MORE SPARKLES!