Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lindsay’s Guide to Stay Scandalous During a Natural Disaster (or just a strong gust of wind and a power outage)

*Disclaimer: This post was written around noon on Sunday, which will now be known as "The Day the Music Died." For me, at least.*

Knowing that this weekend Hurricane Irene was going to barrel in and knock everyone on the East Coast flat on their asses, I prepared myself for the entirely likely but highly inconveniencing thought that the power may go out, rendering my day off completely ruined, as there would be no means to watch 89% of DVR, a 2 week-old Netflix, or my ultimate favorite time waster- perusing blogs on the Internet.

However I have read my fair share of American Girl books over the years, and I know that girls for decades survived without power, and if they could do it, darn it, I could too!

After losing the power at 9:52 am, smack dab in the middle of my DVR’d Dance Moms (disappointing, I know, but at least I had already gotten through Jersey Shore) I readied myself with my own version of a hurricane survival kit: 4 practically unread magazines, 3 books, a new bottle of Essie ridgefiller basecoat and a vanilla cupcake Yankee Candle. Yes, it was still light out at 10:00 am, but I just like the smell.

By 10:30 I was bored. Like B-O-R-E-D bored. And I was super disappointed in myself for not being able to occupy my brain for a few hours without power. I forced myself to get up and make the bed, straighten up the coffee table and bring all the dishes to the dishwasher. Good thing the power was out or else I would really have had to learn how to turn that bad boy on.

What I really wanted to do was take a shower, but alas without a hairdryer I was less enthused. Who wants to sit around with wet hair for half the day there’s a monsoon outside? Then I thought, I’ll let my hair dry and just straighten it later. Duh, bad idea, as a hair straightener needs just as much power as a hair dryer to function. Ugh, this was harder than I though. I felt as though I let Kirsten and Laura Ingalls and other fictional pioneers down, but mostly- I really just let myself down.

So I decided to make a list of Lindsay’s Ways to Stay Scandalous During a Natural Disaster. Just because you’re suddenly stripped of something that impacts every moment of your life and you know no other way to live, it doesn’t mean you can’t still hang onto your last remaining shreds of your identity in a time of crisis (and yes, I know that almost no one has died and this really turned out to be nothing more than a strong rainstorm, but seriously, it’s 3:30 and I still don’t have power. We're only 4.5 hours away from VMA’s preshow- it’s like someone is TRYING to kill me).

The List
1.Think of Hurricane Irene iPod Playlist. Download songs once Hurricane Irene has ended when Internet comes back. Later delete playlist, or save for next weather disaster.

Tracks include: "Come On Eileen" (which I’ve obviously had stuck in my head ALL DAY) by Dexie’s Midnight Runners, "The Hurricane" from the movie The Hurricane, "Set Fire to the Rain" (something I’d like to do right about now) by Adele, "It’s Raining Men" by The Weather Girls, "I’m Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage, "Listen to the Rhythm of the Falling Rain" by someone old I can’t remember.*

*Apologies in advance for the accuracy of this list, but let’s all keep in mind it has been a Google free day.

2. Come up with a Hurricane Irene queue for Netflix. When Internet returns, add titles before removing them a day later to make room for every disc of Mad Men. Damn, that would have been a good thing to start today. Titles include: Me, Myself and Irene, Twister, The Hurricane (okay, I know that’s a repeat but again people, GOOGLE FREE), The Perfect Storm.

3. Paint toenails an ungodly shade of neon. Hurricane Irene may be marking the end of the summer, but I need at least 2 more weeks of a warm weather shade before I resort to deep plums and greiges. This is mainly for function though, not fashion (although I am obsessed with my neon yellow Essie that I’ve been told looks like a bad foot fungus), as I discovered when I used our bathroom with no windows that it practically glows in the dark. Take that, crazy Walmart battery people. I didn’t purchase a single battery and I’m going to be JUST FINE. I think.

4. Come up with new ways to wear hair in a bun. I’ve been working several different styles of loose chignons throughout the day. Thankfully I had already invested $3.49 in my Goody Spin Pins, which I’m convince should win a prize for engineering as I ever never seen anything like them. I ended up taking a shower but not washing my hair, so the Spin Pins are more of a necessity than ever. Bet you weren’t thinking of THAT when you were stocking up on water, were you?

5. Organize magazine clippings into a "Look Book" for when you have nothing to wear. I have literally never thrown out a magazine in my entire life (and my mother can attest to that) without going through and ripping out pictures and articles that I thought were interesting. I have a giant box of all of them that I always intended to do something with. I finally started organizing them into sections: Fashion (for the days when I think I have nothing to wear), Hair (inspiration for future ‘dos), Makeup (I may actually learn how to put on liquid liner correctly one of these days), Nails (I think I tore out at least 10 pages on how to give yourself an at home manicure), Skin (did you know there is a correct way to pop a pimple?), Pictures I like, Articles I like, Decor, Food and Exercise (smallest section), and Future (articles about how to feed children or train them to do something, I don’t know I’ll look at it someday). Did I actually put anything in book form today? No, not exactly, but I made very even piles of each category and now they’re still sitting in the same box, but organized into labeled page protectors.

6. Most important- write down any inspiring thoughts to post on blog later when power returns. Pat myself on the back for charging laptop when there was still time. Take that, Irene. You don’t scare me.

Just kidding. Please return my power soon. Please?!


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's A Nice Day for a White, White, WHITE Wedding

In case you happen to have left the country this past weekend, you may not know that reality queen Kim Kardashian tied the knot with the "not-so famous until he met a Kardashian sister" basketball player Kris Humphries.

But for those of you who were stuck here in America, you couldn't possibly escape the barrage of details that were being reported practically minute-by-minute of their excessive nuptials. Every time I refreshed my Us Weekly app on my iPhone, there was a new "story" on one of the many elements featured at their black and white affair.

It started innocently enough, with a grainy paparazzi photo of Kourtney and Scott holding their son Mason. At first I thought "Wow! I can't believe a photo of Kim leaked already!" as I knew that she was no doubt selling the exclusive photos to some magazine that I will obviously buy when it hits newsstands on Friday for a bazillion dollars. Turns out, the subject shown in the white mermaid Vera Wang with flowing dark curls was not the bride herself, but her eldest sister.

The only reason I kept obsessively checking my usual tabloid sites is because we all know that the only reason to look at celebrity's wedding photos is to see their dresses. They really are just like us, but they have more money and designer friends, so seeing the dress is the most critical part of the wedding day coverage. After seeing the headline:

FIRST PIC: See Kim Kardashian's Beautiful Wedding Dress!

I was super excited to oogle at Kim's much talked about Vera so that I could get on with my life. I was horrified to discover that this was the photo they were referring to where we would get a special sneak peak before the official wedding photos drop. I'm sorry, I thought she got married in late August in Santa Barbara, not on top of a glacier off the coast of Antartica.

As the day went on, we discovered that shockingly enough, not only were all 76 Kardashian women outfitted in white, but half the guests were too! I found this shocking not because it bucked tradition, but also I couldn't believe anyone who is so obsessed with how they look enough to wear this much makeup to a dance class would ever let one of her lowly 500 guests (or worse- a more attractive, thinner younger sister) possibly look more bridey than her.

As the day went on, the coverage only grew worse, as we quickly learned about their 6 foot tall cake, Kim's horribly ugly hairpiece, the gaudy ceremony decor, the guest list, the not one, or two, but THREE Vera's she donned during the day, the passe track suits, and much much more. The worst part is, it's not over. It's not even close to over. Because even though their very special day has passed, Kim's Fairytale Wedding (as E! has now devoted 75% of their website to Kim's Koverage) won't even debut in a four hour special (broken up into 2 two-hour episodes) until OCTOBER.

This is what I do not understand. Clearly, the details are getting out about what went down at this wedding. I'm positive that the $2.5 million photo spread in People is going to be about 20 pages long. The four hour torture fest on E! will show us all the behind the scenes dirt, and when I say behind the scenes, I mean scripted and choreographed by Kris Jenner. Why E! didn't show the footage live on Saturday is beyond me, or at least bump up the air dates, as the current episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians have barely introduced us to Kim's lazy-eyed lover, Kris Humphries. I'm sorry, but there is definitely something off about that guy. Maybe it's that he always looks a little sleepy (or high?) or the fact that he has diarrhea of the mouth, or that unlike every other guy Kim has featured as her boyfriend on the show, he actually seems to enjoy all of the media attention that he gets with her.

Seacrest really needs to start cracking some skulls over there, because how unfortunate that the weekend of her supposed dream wedding is the same weekend that the latest episode of the show feature Kris hanging out with her family the first time (on vacation, no less) and annoying the crap out of them? That just seems like bad PR for KK, and momager Kris should have known better. We haven't even seen them get engaged yet, and I have been DYING to see those white sparkle mini ponies in person ever since I heard of their existence at their engagement party the last time she had an 18 page spread in People.

Because Kim and her family live their lives so "openly" via Twitter, Us Weekly and the E! channel, nothing about this wedding is even going to be a surprise by October. So why so late, E!? Are you trying to build excitement for the most overexposed celebrity couple of the year? Or do you need them to last at least a month in order to warrant spending the $15 million for the rights to their wedding coverage?

Whatever it is, I am SO over it. Don't get me wrong, I will obviously be at the supermarket on Friday morning, buying that damn People and filling up my DVR a 4 hour wedding special, but I just want to go on record that as a lover of all things celebrity and all things wedding, I am beyond annoyed that this mayhem is going to continue.

So just to recap- reasons why I kurrently hate Kim Kardasian and her stupid wedding:
1. Kreepy Kris (husband, not mother, although sometimes Kris J. is equally kreepy)
2. Dumb sparkly headpiece
3. From the top up, what appears to be a boring Vera (didn't even know that was possible)
4. Brangelina-sized paycheck for photo rights (and she certainly isn't giving it to the children of Namibia)
5. Wedding day tanlines. Ugh
6. Tried to kopy an actual princess by knocking off her kake and bridesmaid attire
7. Incessant media coverage that almost made me miss the fact that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with baby #3 and other important stuff
8. So.many.K's.

That's all the Kardashian I can handle for now. I'm absolutely sure it isn't over, but I will most definitely be going on a Kardashian-related hiatus. Until Friday.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dance, Dance Revolution

I have a new television obsession. It doesn't involve gowns, pregnant teenagers, or weight loss.

Two words: DANCE MOMS.

I used to think that the tagline: "Lifetime- Television for Women" should have been "Lifetime- Television for Women. Old Women."

That was until, the LT (since it's so cool now we're totes abbrev it) started showing reruns of one of my favorite shows of all time, "Will & Grace," at not only 11:00 am but 11:00 pm as well! Cut to a few years later when the LT finally acquired the rights to new seasons of "Project Runway" after a lengthy battle with the Weinstein Company. At first I was all sad to see PR leave Bravo, like when a little kid that moves out of their childhood home. Then they did that season in LA and I was like "eh..." plus that super boring girl Leanne won. Now it is back and just as good as it ever was, and I realized that I would watch Tim Gunn on any network, including the Food Network, which everyone who knows me knows that that is one channel I do not touch. I honestly have no clue what number it even is on my guide.

Then I slowly started watching more LT because I was trying to get into "How I Met Your Mother." One of the main reasons I have never watched this show is because it's on CBS. I haven't watched CBS since "The Nanny" was on, and the only show I know that's on CBS currently besides HIMYM are the NCIS or CSI or one of those other abbreviated shows that has 8,000 location based spinoffs. And of the Big 3 it's totally the old people's network. There, I said it.

Then, only a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon LT's latest gem, featuring the emphysema ridden "dance teacher" Abby Lee Miller (whom I have never heard of, but they say her full name as if I should know who she is) and the Moms that pay her to degrade their children, which is ridiculous, because when I was a kid, moms just did that for free (not my mother, of course. Shoutout, Doreen!).

The most confusing thing about this show is how Abby has somehow built this dance empire without actually ever doing any sort of movement at all. Now I am a horrible dancer, so maybe I am in the wrong here questioning her methods, but my husband's mother is a dance teacher so therefore by proximity I now can pretend I know things about teaching children to dance. And one thing I know for sure is that when she teaches a class, she puts on a leotard and dance shoes and actually shows them, oh I don't know, a dance step?! Abby wears flip flops, red lipstick and a ever present grimace.

So that's the backstory on ABBY LEE MILLER *fanfare* and her star-making dance studio. Now, onto tonight's episode. I was particularly excited for this one because some good extra crazy went down last week after Christi had it out with Abby backstage at another one of their "competitions," which somehow are every weekend and have a maximum of 20 audience members. Christi is the best kind of crazy mom, because she's entitled ("I pay YOUR bills!") and she thinks her kid is most amazing dancer EVER even though this girl Maddie clearly steals the show from her Chloe every single week. I mean, Chloe has never even been on the top of the pyramid. Sad.

After the jazzy Dance Mom credits ("my world is with my giiiiirls," c'mon, you know the words!) I died laughing immediately because the first image that came on the screen was a close up of "The Donut Connection," which let's face it, is clearly Abby's favorite eatery. This is where Christi and Abby chose to meet up to settle their differences. Christi still felt that Abby was in the wrong, but she was willing to take the high road. "I think I deserve an apology too," she said. "But I think I'll be the bigger woman." Unfortunately for Christi, that is literally impossible if you happen to be in the same room as Abby.

Abby wasn't having any of this, and immediately presented Christi with a contract outlining all of the things she can and cannot do in order for Christi to keep spending $23,000 a year (or so she said in episode 1) on ruining what is left of Chloe's childhood. I was hoping for more of a public throwdown that would result in Abby being banned from the Donut Connection for life, but she's gotta have stock options in that place or something. She hightailed it out of there so quick after serving Christi those papers that she knocked some poor Granny in a green coat out of the way so she could get out the door.

Then it was that magical time where the girls and moms get to come in the studio and hear about what a terrible job they did that previous week. But Abby wasn't going to live in the past- this weekend is going to be the ALDC Showcase, the most important event of all! We know that because Abby wrote it on the chalkboard in crazy sideways Unabomber handwriting. You must be thinking, that has to be some sort of fancy dance competition with lights and trophies and AquaNet! Think again- it's merely the Abby Lee Dance Company Showcase. What's the point of dancing if there's no chance of a trophy?! That would be like, doing it for fun, which is not what dancing is about! Now get to work grinding down those hip bones!

In an ironic twist, Abby decided that this week the Moms would take a break from living vicariously through their children and actually perform a number in the show themselves, which I think was her way of getting those crazy be-otches to stop staring at her from the viewing room and would inevitably lead to them taking each other out, Hunger Games style. And just to really prove that she absolutely hates all of them, she let bat sh*t crazy Cathy choreograph. For 5 minutes the pointe shoe was on the other foot and the girls got to sit in the viewing room and mock the Moms while they attempted to learn their routine, and for a moment, all was right in the world.

Later Abby was still punishing Christi for her behavior and forced her to promote the showcase street team style with Kelly. As they ran around town all afternoon trying to force young people who looked like they would prefer to be on a reality show for ANYTHING else to attend a children's dance recital, they seemed shocked that no one was honored to be presented with an invite. To lift their spirits, it was time for a little detour for some "Mommy Juice" (somebody please buy me that cup someday) which they decided looked enough like iced tea that they could take their cups to the street, Pennsylvania open container laws be damned.

Back at the studio, the Moms were hard at work nailing down their dance the night before the showcase. But where, oh where was Holly? After whipping out the Blackberry on speakerphone (reality TV show staple!) the Moms were horrified to discover that not only was Holly not attending practice, but she wouldn't even be in the showcase at all! Cathy was appalled because she couldn't believe all of Holly's African dance experience was going to go unused (her words, not mine) and she only mildly insulted the other Moms by crying out "but you're like, the best one here!" What could be keeping Holly from her moment in the sun? Unfortunately her weekend planner was already full, because she would in fact be graduating college... with her doctorate. I would like to go on record as saying this doesn't change my opinion of her at all because nobody who is intelligent would ever spend that much to have a crazy chain smoker degrade their child and call it teaching. Also, don't you think it's weird that Holly pretended like she was going to be in the show all week, and then acted like this graduation suddenly came up? And if your mom was graduating, wouldn't you be there instead of the stupid showcase that doesn't even give you the chance to win some sort of trophy? I call BS.

Finally, Cesar the Broadway Casting Agent showed up and shocked all the girls because I guess they've never seen a mohawk in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. One by one, the girls failed (even pyramid topper Maddie!) to impress Cesar with their lack of reading comprehension and conversational skills of tiny dancing robots. The moms were feeling the pressure too, I mean it almost seemed like Melissa doubted whether or not she made the right decision continually pulling her girls out of school for dance related activities. Abby says dance is more important than school, so who needs world history?! Can your daughter do a deboulé? Didn't think so.

My favorite moment of the casting process had to be when Cesar kicked Abby out of her own studio for making the kids too nervous. No, wait, it was when Melissa punished both of her kids for crying. Ah, I take it back, it was when the audition ended and Cesar fled the building like a frightened gay deer. Or was it when Nia wished that her mom had skipped graduation to scream at her for not being good enough in the dressing room with all the other moms? Never mind, there were just too many quality "Dance Mom" moments to choose from. Let's call the whole thing off.

The whole showcase was pretty boring if you asked me. None of the Moms got drunk and none of the girls cried. Abby was caged in the sound booth and for once nary a word was heard from her. However, in a not at all unplanned twist, Cesar (I don't know if you know this but he is a casting agent, like from BROADWAY) pulled Maddie and Melissa aside in the least discrete way possible and told her in a stage whisper that she was basically way better than every other girl there. Naturally, Christi was upset because it validated her conspiracy theory that this entire showcase was only a platform to promote the Maddie machine. I don't know if Christi realizes that the more she talks about it, the more clips are shown of Maddie leaping and twirling at an obviously higher level than her classmates, which is only further promoting her dancing abilities!

Next week, it's back to inappropriate costumes and afternoon drinking. Thank you, Lifetime, for bringing us this shining beacon of reality tv during an otherwise boring prime time summer hiatus.


Friday, August 5, 2011

This Lovely Bella Notte...Not.

Ladies and guidos, break out your pickles and tease up your poofs, because everyone's favorite Seaside posse are back. Let's recap tonight's Season 4 premiere, which brought the fist-pumping friends on their first ever Roman Holiday.

We opened with our beloved Snooki, who had to stand on top of the photographer's lighting case just to make it into her own Passport photo. The rest of the passport photo shoots reminded us all of what we love (and hate maybe?) about our favorite guidos and guidettes. Pauly pretended to DJ his photo session (what exactly is this "international license" he claimed to have?); Deena once again asked an old man if he "liked the boobs" (PLEASE let this girl discover another catchphrase this season); The Situation exhibited his usual amount of douchery (again, let's remind ourselves that HE IS 30!); J Woww showed of her new and improved... features?; Ronnie tried to convince everyone (including himself) that Single Ronnie was BACK; and Sammi showed us what a world traveler she is because she is apparently the only one that didn't need a passport. Oh, and she's over Ron, too. Duh.

One of the highlights for me was when we met Snooki's latest juicehead, Jionni, who she has been dating for 6 months now, which let's face it, is longer than she's ever held onto anything that wasn't an STD. However I was shocked to find that Jionni was actually quite attractive and that he and Snooki are being filed in my MISMATCHED celebrity couple database. He is gorgeous and she is a Weeble (who later wobbled AND fell down) who helps her pack up her nasty panties with other dudes names on them (although I did laugh out loud, by myself, when she held up her "I <3 Vinny" drawers to the camera behind Jionni's back).

In what I am anticipating is the only endearing moment this entire season, the boys and the girls each had sleepovers at each other's family's houses on the eve of their Italian pilgrimage. This I found to be utterly adorable, as the boys got dirty language lessons from Vinny's sketchy uncle and the girls ate dinner with Deena's parents while encouraging her father to be their male stripper, I thought "awww." After all the years of fighting, smushing, and partying, it seemed like they did come out like a little family at the end.

For now.

After stumbling through their way through the Milan airport and educating us on foreign currency, the boys and the girls separately raced through Italia to be the first to get to the prospective house, because let's face it- no one wants to be left to room with either Ron or Sam because you know you're going to end up living with the drunken orange reincarnation of Ike and Tina. Their "castle" ended up having two very long flights of stairs, which I am already dreaming about the night that Snooki has a little too much vino and tumbles off her stripper shoes down the 40 steps. Vinny and Pauly pair up, as do Mike and Ron, which we all know is going to somehow end up with The Situation in a neck brace. Dina bunked with the V and P of MVP, while "Single Sam" stuck with her girls, whom she will likely end up throwing punches with as well. BTW, I'm changing my name to "Married Lindsay."

Finally, it was their first Italian t-shirt time! But it wasn't all fun and pre-gaming as Pauly discovered that *gasp* his blowdryer kept shorting out, despite changing the voltage and bringing extra foreign adapters. The fact that someone on this show even knew to do that almost knocked me off my sectional. We learned the seriousness of this issue due to the General Hospital-ish music in the background. Somehow they pulled through, and with much needed voltage advice from Deena, his blowout prevailed.

As the roommates went out for the first time in "the motherland," they explored a charming square in Florence where it appeared that people on the street were running to get away from them. I mean, did you see the faces of the spectators in the background?! I've never seen more people less desperate to be on TV. After discovering that both Deena and Snooki don't know the difference between a Ferris wheel and a carousel, they headed back to their humble abode for some quality roommate time. Single Ron reminded us why he is single as he continued to get bombed long after his roommates had stopped drinking. If Snooki tells you you're a "weirdo" for getting drunk by yourself, you may have hit rock bottom.

Finally, Snooki was useful, because she was the only girl who could drive stick. Oh, the irony. But between the foreign GPS and the small streets, they lost the boys and forfeited breakfast and the G of GTL. Rest assured, Snooki has developed a serious workout routine where she essentially looks like she is having sex with herself, as Pauly pointed out.

At last, the crew was finally going "out," like Karma out, but in Italy, which looked kinda the same as going out on the Shore, except the bar was on fire. Oh and the club going girls weren't hungry camera whores that were willing to slobber all over Mike to get on camera, so all the guys had to rely on Interpreter Vinny to relay their game to all the bellas. Since none of them seemed to be getting anywhere, The Situation attempted to lay one on Snooki while Deena ordered Pauly to make out with her. Only instead of kissing, it was all lip sucking and tongue humping, piercings and all. And BAM. Episode ends. And then I vomited.

After seeing the scenes for the rest of this upcoming season, I am positively giddy with excitement. Snooki's car accident, Mike and Ron's brawl, every one's butchering of the Italian language.

And now, in honor of this history making television event, I bring you my favorite quotes of the premiere episode:

Deena: In Italy I'm expecting to bring a guy home, but I won't do sex, you know, maybe just like figure them out? And then do sex later.
Vinny: I don't know if any of the housemates are going to recognize me with this beard. I'm so much more better looking.
Jenni: Follow my weave!
Snooki: It's hard for all of us, I mean, we can't luggage all that sh*t.
Snooki: Is that where I get pesos?
Jenni: I am down a can of bronzer. I only have about 8 cans left, and in my world, that'll last about 10 days.
Pauly D: The streets are so small and the alleys are so narrow, Ronnie's not even going to be able to fit through the alleys, he's gonna have to turn himself sideways.

If I have missed any other memorable quotes, please, enlighten me. I would love to hear everyone's favorite moments and what you're looking forward to most this season. Peace out, Gorillas.