Monday, January 30, 2012

I Found A Dream That I Could Leak To

omg omg omg.

There are so many other more pressing things to write about right now. But I just came across this beauty on Us Weekly and I couldn't resist.

I read about this story a few days ago online. Etta James finally passed away, which prompted many self absorbed songstresses to wax poetic about how much she inspired them, how she paved the way for them, blah blah blah. I am certainly not doubting James' contribution to the music industry, what I am doubting is attention whores like Christina and Beyonce who claim that she did so much for them and then make spectacles of themselves while singing her songs. Remember when Beyonce sang "At Last" while the Obama's shared a dance at the Inauguration party? My favorite part about that whole story is how pissed James' was that Beyonce was chosen to sing her song while she was STILL ALIVE.

Unfortunately, now that she has passed, no one will be able to stop the likes of X-tina and Blue Ivy's mom from screeching out her classics for the next 50 years. Well it's already begun, as Christina Aguilera performed her most popular song in front of hundreds at a memorial service for James in L.A. Like I said, I read about this a few days ago on my EW app, so the article and picture were teeny tiny. So imagine my surprise when I signed on to for my after-work celeb night cap, and I see this:

stay cool. nobody's looking down there anyway

For a good five minutes I was just staring at this picture in disbelief that she felt that this was the most appropriate ensemble to wear to a funeral. Nothing says "I'm so sorry for your loss" like forgetting your blouse. I have to say though, I think the rosary beads smushed between her suffocating bosoms really class up the whole look.

It wasn't until I read the accompanying article that I realized that something else was going on in this photo. If you look closely at her lower half, there is something happening down there that isn't quite right. It appears that some sort of brownish liquid is literally running down her legs. But Christina is a professional, and instead of excusing herself and politely scrubbing her legs clean with scratchy church restroom paper towels, she just kept on belting out like nothing was happening.

So what is this mysterious oozing substance? "Insiders" are claiming she was nervous and sweaty, therefore streaking her spray tan. Either that, or she lost track of her cycle and unexpectedly was paid a visit by her Aunt Flo.

Luckily for Christina (and us), her next gig requires her to do nothing but push a button in a giant chair, which gives her almost no way to embarrass herself. But I'm sure she'll find a way. After all she's a Figh-teerrrrr!

i'm not fat. it just made my skin a little bit thicker

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Gold Rush

Once again, I have gotten a little behind in my blogging as of late. Between the holidays and my recent excursion to Canada (more on that later), I have been emotionally unavailable in the blogging sense. I wanted to make my triumphant return in honor of my favorite time of year: Awards Season. However, due to my not so well timed wedding anniversary (which I totally didn't take into account when picking the wedding date last year), I found myself trudging through the Arctic tundra on a day I normally reserve for parking it on my sectional and observing six uninterrupted hours of E! coverage of the 69th Annual Golden Globes ceremony. In effort to you know, stay married, I willingly decided to forgo watching the awards and instead enjoyed a very fancy meal with my husband of one year. And by willingly, I mean there was absolutely no other option as I couldn't find the Globes on any Canadian stations (not even in French!) and said husband refused to pay $14.95 a day for wi fi.

So I was forced to fanatically check my phone in between courses in search of any clue as to what gowns my favorite stars were sporting. That proved to no avail, so I had to wait until Tuesday when we returned to the States to finally watch the show. And I have to say, I was completely... underwhelmed.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: while I am utterly fascinated by award shows, I could almost care less as to who actually wins any of them, unless it's someone that I'm obsessed with. I barely even see any of the films or television shows that are nominated because things like Teen Mom and Step Up 2 Da Streets rarely get the recognition they deserve. It's not that I don't want to, but I never feel like I have time and half of them are scary violent. I am, however, infatuated with the fashions. Now I know this is a little late, but I couldn't resist a Globes fashion wrap up, especially because I felt that many of the ladies left much to be desired this year.

Let's start with my absolute FAVES:

l to r: helen mirren, paula patton, nicole kidman, sofia vergara

First of all, let's just start off by saying that Helen Mirren is a goddess. This is type of woman you look at and wonder if you should rethink selling your soul to the devil in order to age as she has, despite any moral oppositions you may have once had. I hands down will fight anyone that doesn't think that the other Divine Miss M was the best dressed person that night. And by fight I mean exchange in a nasty digital discourse via the Internet. Paula Patton I loved not only because I think she is so physically beautiful, but because she was one of so few who took a chance on color. I would so much rather see someone take a chance and miss than see 20 women plotz down the carpet in black and white (but more on that later). I'm going to be honest, I'm not totally sure why she's even there but after taking a look at this dress, I've decided it doesn't actually matter. She could be pulling a Michaele Salahi and I would be like "you go, girl!" Plus I'm sure as long as she brings her husband, she's pretty much welcome everywhere. Nicole Kidman is normally not one of my faves. First of all, I think she is B-ORING, and I feel like she has been dressing that way for the past 10 years. She's been showing up in some real disasters as of late. But this Versace number fit her so well and finally merged the I have an Academy Award/I married a rock star look that I feel like she has been striving for and continuously missing. Last but not least, Gloria Pritchett herself, Sofia Vergara. I'm going to say, teal is not one of my favorites, but again, a standout color and perfect shaping. That woman should probably get all her clothes tailored to be mermaid style- I'm talking nightgowns, bathing suits, raincoats- anything that graces her glorious curves. My only baby sized critique is that I absolutely loathe stick straight hair at awards shows, weddings, proms, pretty much anything fancy in general. I wish there was just a slight curl at the ends just to give it a touch more of glamour.

l to r: tina fey, kate beckinsale, laura dern, diane lane

Tina Fey is an all around funny lady and one of my favorite people. I say that like I know her because I feel like I do. Anyone who reads her books, watches 30 Rock, or has generally been obsessed with her since age 13 feels like they do as well. Tina is an every woman who just happens to be ten times more funny and successful than anyone you know ever will be. However, she is pretty much terrible at choosing award show gowns, which is crazy because she wins all the time and should be a little more prepared. She always looks like she's not quite sure why she is there, and her look often expresses that she may have been invited by accident. I put her at the top of my list because I finally felt like she wore something that is worthy of how awesome and famous she is now. I love the drama of her skirt, but that she still looks like herself with her slightly wavy Liz Lemon hair. Yes, her skirt is about 5 inches too long and spending more time cleaning the red carpet than floating atop it, but I think more than anyone she deserves some sort of "most improved" award. Kate Beckinsale is one that made me scratch my head and wonder, "why is she here?" Seriously, can you name the last Kate Beckinsale movie you saw? I can, and it's Brokedown Palace. And I had to IMDB it just to remember the name, because it's from 1999. Being barely famous apparently gives her plenty of time to get ready, because she is a red carpet all-star. She always looks amazing and she has the best hair. Like, hair commercial hair. I'm not even sure if there's anything particularly spectacular about this dress, but she just makes everything look so damn good that I a little bit hate her. Laura Dern is another that I know basically nothing about, but I do know that she is a tall drink of water that looks amazing in green. Seriously, green?! Green is not easy to wear. Unless you're Amy Adams. Laura is so lanky and tall that I think this dress compliments her figure really well without making her look like scary skinny oh my God please take my sandwich. I feel like she resembles a very glamorous mermaid, which I sort of love. And Diane Lane, who has been doing this FOREVER (she's been acting since she was 14, and she 46- hot damn!) still looks amazing and is wearing something glitzy and fun, but still age appropriate.

Okay, now we're starting to head into lukewarm territory. I'd like to bring you a very special category:

l to r: viola davis, maya rudolph, octavia spencer, stacy kiebler

These ladies all look lovely. That's it, really. Not bad. Just... pretty. It could be worse, right?

l to r: angelina jolie, claire danes, salma hayek, charlize theron

I don't know, I feel like according to the rest of the world, I'm supposed to be impressed by these four, but in real life, I'm just like eh? Once again, Angelina Jolie physically looks amazing, but does she have to be so damn icy all the time? I feel like someone was like, "so Ange, we've gotten some feedback that you're super unapproachable and most humans fear if they look directly into your eyes, they will turn to stone. Could you lighten it up a bit for the Globes?" So she threw on this silvery frock with a red dinner napkin pinned to the top for maximum scary tattoo coverage. All I think she succeeded in doing is ripping off Reese Witherspoon's retro Barbie look from last years Oscars, and NOT WELL. Barbie may have a perpetual heeled foot, but one thing she definitely does not have is a large stick up her ass. I don't feel like I can say the same for Angie. Everyone is kind of obsessing over Claire Danes, and I just felt like she was so blah in this black and white J. Mendel gown that overly accentuated her little boy shape. I'm really surprised that no one inside the Hilton mistook her for a waiter. Also, I think her red lips are too red for her pale skin, further accentuated by her hair being totally pulled back. I may be partially biased- her nude glitter gown from last year's Emmy's ranks as one of my favorite award show ensembles OF ALL TIME. Salma Hayek I have almost nothing to say about, except that I think she got this dress from a closeout sale from the set of 300. And Charlize Theron... this gown makes me have multiple personality disorder. First because it is the mullet of designer gowns, and second because I love it one minute and despise it the next. Quit playing games with my heart, Charlize!

This is where I start to feel sad:

l to r: melissa mccarthy, mila kunis, reese witherspoon, shailene woodley

I have to say something. I know this is awful, but I can't stop thinking it. I can't not say it. How did not one person that works for Melissa McCarthy tell her that this dress makes her look like Princess Fiona from Shrek?! This has nothing, NOTHING, to do with her size. It's the fact that she's in a shapeless green frock that looks like it belongs with swamp people. When I look at it fast I feel like I can see little green ears poking out through her hair. Why, why, why?! And MIla Kunis. What is it with her? Is she an exhibitionist? I feel like at every award show, I almost see her boob. I don't need to see her boob. I need her to stand up straight and smile a little bit. Girl wasn't nominated for anything this year, so why not get drunk and just have a good time?! But my Reese. My dear, dear Reese Witherspoon. She is my everything in the celebrity world. She is the person I bring pictures of to my hairdresser. I have every movie she's ever been in, except for the creepy one with Mark Wahlberg where he tries to kill her. I LOVE HER. But I just don't get this gown. I think the color is amazing and more blondes should try it. But the fit is SO BAD. She's 5'2!! And I hate to say it, but I'm not loving the beach hair with a formal red gown. Sigh. I'm depressed. And Shailene Woodley... a first time nominee, who should be so excited just to get the hell away from ABC Family, hang out with Clooney and Stacy and she got to go to Hawaii for all those months! When I look at her, all I can see is boob sagging. This dress belongs on someone 15 years her senior whose boobs just stay up, like a Real Housewife or something.

l to r: kate winslet, rooney mara, amy poehler, julianna moore

Sorry, I forgot to write anything. I took one look at these and fell asleep. My bad.

l to r: freida pinto, natalie portman, madonna, michelle williams

I feel like all these dresses have qualities that I find to be totally weird but are really high fashion and I just don't get them. Well... I don't. Freida Pinto looks like she needed extra room to smuggle a few more of those kids from Slumdog that everyone claimed were homeless despite being child actors. Natalie Portman was going to help the cause as well, but half assed it with only one side. Madonna's medieval breasts make me feel like I am being choked just looking at her. And somewhere, Michelle Williams' grandmother is being rustled awake by the flaming hot sun, as her bedroom curtains have been stolen.

l to r: lea michele, emma stone, tilda swinton, zooey deschanel

Lea Michele decided to go awfully hard despite being part of a show that was nominated for almost nothing. Like this is a look that you can tell required serious effort, for which seems a little unwarranted when there is the promise of little to no screen time. From what I've heard, it's extremely difficult to hold up a suit of armor for 8 hours, and girl's a vegan. Her bones seem brittle. I feel like if any comment I'm going to be criticized for, it's Emma Stone. While I love her, I thought this dress was UG-LY. She is so fun and vivacious, and I just think this dress is a downer. It's so dark and dreary, it looks like it belong at a Twilight themed prom. And David Bowie... I mean Tilda Swinton, well... I'm just shocked it's in a skirt. Zooey Deschanel's dress sort of made me smile at first, however I quickly changed my mind upon discovering her new sideburns.

l to r: jessica biel, meryl streep, sarah michelle gellar, piper perabo

Everyone was making a huge deal about Jessica Biel being there because they were wondering if she was going to reveal her supposed engagement ring from JT. While we still don't have a confirmation from anyone besides his grandma, it appears that Jessica has no intention of getting married anytime this century, as exhibited by this awful Victorian inspired Elie Saab number. The big joke during the real show was that Meryl Streep forgot her glasses and couldn't read her acceptance speech on stage. Number one: how does she lose her glasses if she has pockets, and number two: did she lose the glasses before she got dressed? This dress just makes me want to throw her into a mechanical bull pit and eat barbeque ribs, which just screams "glamour." Sarah Michelle Gellar threw her family under a bus by confessing that her awful paint like tapestry thing was picked out by her two year old, but I wouldn't be surprised if she designed and created this masterpiece as well. And last but not least, Piper Perabo, whom I always held a place for as the star of one of my all time favorite movies (if you don't know which one, we're not friends) and my celebrity doppleganger, brought the crazy to the carpet wearing a parachute.

Now that that's over, we're on to bigger and better things. Like... THE OSCARS. I'm giddy just thinking about it.

Until next time,


Monday, January 2, 2012

Living In A Winter Nightmare-land

I had no idea when I composed my first tree post that it would be my most read blog entry EVER. Seeing as I am still relatively new to the (consistent) blogging world, I am hoping that this is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship with you, the readers. However, I am also faced with the fear that all my posts must now feature my arch rival, because that seems to be the thing that people really care about. Which means that I probably will have to live with this thing longer than I had hoped. Which is my Christmas nightmare realized.

I have gotten many request for "after" photos of the tree, so here they are. Better late then never, but there was a slight hold up, as my people had to work out an arrangement with The Tree's legal team in order to be able to publish this post.

So without further ado, I give you... The Tree! And some other holiday decor from yours truly.

enough lights to guide the wise men

So after getting the tree in an upright position finally inside our apartment, I was so... shall we say, peeved, at what a monstrosity it was, that I spent the first few days of our relationship in a bitter standoff. I tried to avoid looking at it, but it was impossible seeing as you can see it no matter where you stand in our apartment. So instead, I avoided decorating it. However, Steve was nice enough to put the lights on so I could spend as minimal amount of time on it as possible. However, this process lasted for many days because every time it seemed like there were enough lights, he ended up right back at Walmart in need of additional strands. I think we ended up with like 4 total.

Finally, it was time to start decorating. Steve wanted to do the honors of placing the first ornament, so we had a small ceremony:

like raising the banner, only smaller. and with less toothless canadians

oh christmas b's, oh christmas b's

After that, we spent the next 4 hours trimming the rest of the tree. Fortunately, between the two of us, we have a plethora of ornaments. Steve's mom gave him at least one Christmas ornament every year of his life, and I have a shopping problem/snowflake obsession that has resulted in my purchasing many ornaments as well as receiving every possible snowflake ornament that exists. Also, I inherited my grandmother's precious Barbie collection, so we have a very random mix of things happening on The Tree. However, this was one time that my love of oversized decor came in handy, as I have many things like this:

not going to lie, i was a little worried the tree would think this was a triscuit

Like I said, hours later we finally had a (semi) covered tree.

i know, i'm worried about the open flames too

Now I realize that upon looking at this photo, this seems like a perfectly normal, nice, unsuspecting Christmas tree. Before you start to think that I am making a big deal about nothing, here's another pic that helps to put everything in perspective:

the leaning tower of tree-sa

If we break this down into a numbers thing, you can clearly see that The Tree takes up ONE THIRD of the entire apartment. I had to stand on a chair in our makeshift "dining area" just to even capture this photo.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is not just that The Tree is genetically enhanced and taking over our home. Okay, that's exactly what it is. You see, last year we had a very small, very chic purple couch from my single girl days (well not really "single," just not living with a boy) and post-wedding, we upgraded to a larger, more comfortable but less fashionable sectional. Unfortunately, this is now how much room you have to get into our supposed dining area. If you can't tell from this photo, it's approximately 6 inches.

let the corner wearing on the couch begin. who needs children to ruin furniture?

Luckily, I eat all my meals at the coffee table anyway due to its proximity to my only friend in the apartment now, my television.

This is how much space there is when you enter the apartment to get to the living room. Not as bad as the latter, but not really anything to write home about either.

even the nativity scene looks miniature in comparison

This tree made me realize many things.
1. I hate trees.
2. We need a bigger tree topper.

sometimes, size does matter

I used to love my glittery snowflake topper that I scored at Walmart five years ago for $4. Sure, it's not an heirloom or anything but it's better than a giant lit up star or a scary angel (no offense to any of your tree toppers, religious or otherwise. I just think a lot of those angels resemble creepy porcelain dolls whose eyes are following you around the room). This thing is just so dinky now in comparison to Andre the Giant and I every time I look at it, I feel like I am being mocked by it's small-ness.

Like I said, we have quite the mixed bag when it comes to ornaments. But unless your super rich or are dead inside, your Christmas tree is supposed to be a mix of things you collect over the years that mean something to you. And this is coming from me, who is so obsessed with things matching that I only let white hangers live in my closet, where they are concealed by a door... that is shut.

Last year, I gave Steve this gem in his stocking. Luckily, John is never lonely as he has many lovely ladies to hang out with around with.

the duke & the barbie. a forbidden love story

As for the rest of the apartment, I waited until Steve went to work before I really dug into my bag of Christmas tricks. As far as I'm concerned, this tree is his fault, so I get to decorate with as many silvery, pointed objects as I want.

oh deer

I am also taking advantage of the season and pretending that the red chairs/green wall combo in my dining area was on purpose, and not that I have been forbidden to buy my own chairs so we borrowed chairs from Uncle Peter that happen to be red and everything else in our place is green and purple. So basically it's Christmas, all year long. But we're going to say it's intentional.

oh christmas chairs, oh christmas chairs?

this reindeer has been hanging for a month. steve noticed it today.

notice on the left, the tree trying to eek into the picture. sneaky tree

So there you have it. We've survived a month so far, and thankfully, The Tree is coming down before we leave for our 1st anniversary trip next week. I am sure the takedown alone will warrant it's own post, so stay tuned. Eventually, I will triumph over this thing and get my life back. And then we can talk more about 2012 and resolutions and things of that nature. First on my list? Not to lose my longstanding battle with the flora of New England.