So yesterday we caught up on some of the best (and less than best, but not totally horrible) fashions of the Golden Globes. But this post is where shizz gets real, as there are a lot of violations to be handed out. So let's get right into it, shall we?
|hayden panettiere, sally field, amy adams, julie bowen|
We'll start off with some of the ones that just didn't quite make the cut for me. Hayden Panettiere looked nice-ish in her strapless mermaid number, but the pink clutch made her look even younger than she already is. This isn't your junior prom, Hayden. It seems like she tried to make herself look older by applying way too much 90's style shimmery makeup. She looks like an extra from She's All That (which I'm sure she has never heard of because she was probably a toddler when it came out).
I actually thought Sally Field looked really beautiful. That navy shade is a gorgeous color on her. But holy Grandma's cleavage. I'm not just saying that because she's older, I seriously don't like that deep smushed boob thing on anyone. I feel like it only works if you are crazy flat chested like Kate Hudson.
Oh, Amy Adams. I mean whoever seeks out a dress the color of a paper bag? It's literally the same shade as her skin. The shape is pretty but she looks like a freaking floating head. And that one curl hanging down the side of her face is driving me nuts.
Julie Bowen is another that I almost like the whole look, and then I see the asymmetrical hemline. Like I don't need to see three quarters of one of your ankles. The color is fabulous and I'm glad she pulled her hair back (but not no severe like that slicked back middle part pony she sported a few years ago). And what is with her stance? I feel like she's trying to showcase the one shoulder and the drapey ruching but she just comes off looking like a hunchback.
|anne hathaway, amanda seyfried, julianne hough, lea michele|
I guess Anne Hathaway looks pretty and all, but didn't Les Miz wrap like a year ago? Why has she not started eating again? I don't know what else to say. I'm just so bored looking at her.
Who would have ever thought Amanda Seyfried, also known as Karen "My Boobs Can Always Tell When It's Going to Rain" would end up being the most A-List of all the Mean Girls? Too bad she stole this dress right out from under her grandma. I do not enjoy all the different lace panel things, and as if there were a way to make it less sexy, she covered up every ounce of décolletage with that stupid tie tack at the neckline.
I feel like Julianne Hough is going through an existential fashion crisis. I just don't get who she wants to be. She's all over the place. Especially with this ensemble. I know some people like the juxtaposition of the hard rocker hair with the princess pouf of a dress, but I think it looks like someone cut a hairstyle out of a magazine and stuck it on a different photo of the gown. I actually really like the top part of the dress, because you know me and sparkle, but I hate that it disintegrates as it travels down, especially since a lot of the hardware is little gold line thingys. And the gather of the tulle at the hips- blech. No me gusta.
Was Glee nominated this year and I missed it? I was shocked to find Lea Michele even on the red carpet, especially since when I first saw her I thought it was Snooki. I mean I know she just got back from Hawaii, but that spray tan is faker than Kurt's internship at Vogue. I do sort of like the dress, but I wonder if anyone in Hollywood can think of any other way to be sexy other than having their dress slit up to their pelvic bone?
|eva longoria, jennifer lopez, katharine mcphee, kaley cuoco|
Eva Longoria: Angelina Jolie called, and wants her leg back.
I think Jennifer Lopez is stuck in a rut. As in she wears the same dress on the red carpet over and over. And it's a naked dress. Also she makes that same face. That "I"m too sexy to smile" face. I'm just totally over all of it.
Speaking of trying to be sexy, Katharine McPhee left nothing to the imagination in this barely a dress number. I hate everything about this look. From the places where her shoe straps cut her ankles to the messy topknot, this whole look is a don't for me. I didn't know that you could look both boring and slutty at the same time. It's like a 2013 version of Elvira.
Despite being one of the few females on a show about a bunch of guys who can't dress themselves, Kaley Cuoco never seems to get it right. I actually sort of like her dress but I'm so distracted by her overexposed breast area that it totally trumps any beauty I saw in her gown. I don't know what it is that bothers me so much about it, but when I was watching the preshow I felt like offended just looking at her. Also that goth shade of lipstick looks good on no one, especially not fair skinned blondes.
|adele, debra messing, helen mirren, stacy kiebler|
Sigh. I know black is sort of Adele's thing. And although it's not my favorite, I admit that she looked sensational in her Grammy dress, but this is a grammy dress. As in it looks like it belongs to a grandmother. I know she had a baby a few months ago, but this is just not flattering on her or anyone.
Oh, Debra Messing. Remember on Will & Grace when Karen used to mock all of our outfits? Well just imagine what she would say about this sheer curtain looking thing. When I saw this on TV I thought it was just not that exciting. It wasn't until I saw the photos that I realized how awful the skirt was. Everyone keeps saying that her character Julia on Smash is going to be dressing better this year. Looks like Debra hasn't taken any cues from her alter ego just yet.
I normally love everything that Helen Mirren wears. Whether it's a formal gown or a bikini, she's got a body that won't quit and she wears clothes very well. Which is why I was so underwhelmed by this black zig zaggy number. I know it was cold that night, so sleeves make sense, but I just didn't feel any excitement about this. It was like a boring old lady version of Kate Hudson's dress.
Raise your hand if you're still shocked to see Stacy Kiebler this year. Who knew of all the cocktail waitresses and Italian actresses that came before her, this former wrestler turned George Clooney arm candy would be the one to stick around? I get that she is kind of a prop when it comes to these things, but I still thought she could have worn something with a tad more pizazz.
|emily blunt, kristen wiig|
There were a number of things I found to be very 90's at the Golden Globes, and none more than cutouts. Really, cutouts?! I just don't feel like it's ever appropriate to show one's midriff at a formal event. I kind of like Emily Blunt's dress... if it was all one piece. And Kristen Wiig, I love you, but you cannot dress yourself. Or let whoever else dresses you do so. I mean look where that thing is pointing. Also it looks like a coverup that you wear in the summer over your bathing suit. Not.appropriate.
|taylor swift, jessica chastain, lucy liu, sienna miller|
And last but certainly not least: my absolute least favorite looks of the entire evening. It took a long time to get here, but after the good and the bad, we've finally arrived at the ugly.
I despised everything about Taylor Swift's look the second on I saw her. Before I say anything, let's remind ourselves that she is twenty three. TWENTY THREE. She looks like a Golden Girl here. Her hair is so awful it almost makes me long for those crazy spiral curls she wore exclusively for like six years. I swear that dress came out of a prom magazine I had in 1998 (and yes, I was in seventh grade then. I wanted to start preparing early). Somehow skinny minnie Taylor developed overnight and looks like she is carrying a shelf on her chest. I get that she's had almost as many relationships (and breakups) as some women have had their entire lives, but that doesn't make her mature enough to wear this. And she shouldn't want to. She's TWENTY THREE.
Ugggggh. Jessica Chastain. I wish she had just shown up dressed like her character in The Help last year. I thought she looked a lot better. Than again, anything would look better than this droopy boob number. Again, what woman looks at this and says, "yes! That is something I want to wear!" Don't people in Hollywood take whatever precautions necessary to make sure their boobs don't end up down at their waist?! She also gets another -30 points for the hair. The half slicked back/half loose wave with a middle part? I just... I can't... I don't even... I give up.
Lucy Liu looks like she ripped one of the costume right out of Once Upon A Time. And even they're like, "that's okay, girl. You keep it." And I'm sorry, a Katniss braid is not an appropriate hairstyle for anything other than keeping your hair out of your face while you try to stay alive in child warfare.
I used to think that Sienna Miller was so chic, and lately she has been on a downward spiral for me. Again, so unflattering in this high skirt/cropped top number. Even the appliques adorning her are trying to jump off. She looks like she can't even walk. Her hair looked greasy and unwashed, and she thought she was really doing something crazy and innovative by wearing two earrings in one ear and none in the other. Stop the presses- we have a new trend on our hands. Except it sucks and I'm not doing it.
So I guess that's it, folks. At least until February 10. The Grammys are coming...