Friday, August 17, 2012

My Impossible Dream: The End of the Olympics

Okay, I know I'm a little behind on this one, but the Olympics is finally over. And may I say, thank you, Baby Jesus. I know that this is the one time every two years that we take a break from chastising everything that is wrong with America and find solidarity by way of Spandex and sweat, but frankly, keeping up with this is exhausting.

For starters, every citizen of the great US of A is well aware that NBC could not get their heads out of their asses with their showing of the games. Yes, I know nothing about television production. Yes, I understand that there is a very inconvenient time difference between us and merry ole England. But other than just blatantly giving away the recipients of gold medals prior to the airing of their event, I had to listen to my husband shouting at the television as if he was directly hooked up to the NBC controllers via blue tooth. Things like: "okay, we have just watched seven different forms of track races and NO ONE is paying attention to the POLE VAULTING going on in the background!!! Hello?!?!?!" or "I don't give two craps about (athlete's name here) personal life, SHOW US THE DAMN GAMES!!!" Which is ironic, because those Bob Costas back stories about the athlete's daily carb intake featuring videos of them as forcibly trained babies were about the only thing that kept my interest during this seventeen day everysportathon. 

Of course, I'm still me, so I couldn't help but treat this event as almost like an award show. I mean these people were the closest thing I had to celebrities all week because my DVR was conveniently too full to capture any form of Bravo programming (further exacerbated by the fact that my go to channel crossed over to the other side and aired half of the games themselves- don't they know what treason that is for a gay network?!). 

So I have to decided to give out my own personal Lindsay's Look statuettes: Olympic Edition. Most of them are negative so this is one case where winning isn't really winning. Oh also, none of this has anything to do with athletic ability or talent. We're talking about stuff that really matters. Like hair clips. 

mazel tov.

Worst Hair (Gold Medal)
USA Gymnastics Team

I know I am going to get hate mail for even putting these girls in the same sentence as the word "worst," but there, I said it. I'm sorry, I just could not get over the sheer lack of effort here. I mean you train your whole life (like, all seventeen years of it) for this moment and glory, and that is what you do to your hair?! That is how my hair looks for ten minutes at the end of the day when I am washing my face, and my husband still makes fun of me and how ridiculous I look. I expect scrunchies from other non-fashion forward countries but this is America. We invented sock buns. Well, probably not considering the girl I learned it from on YouTube seems pretty Russian. And don't get it twisted- this has nothing to do with Hairgate 2012 because a.) I know nothing about African American hair, and b.) who the hell cares about the front of her hair and whether it was relaxed/straightened/gelled/hermetically sealed, because how was anyone able to look past the haphazard half bun that she and all her teammates were sporting in the back?! They were bouncing around all floppy and totally distracted from their performances in my eyes, which is really all that matters, because well, these are my awards. I call for something slick and secure for Rio 2016!

Worst Hair (Silver Medal)

So in this case, getting the silver medal is actually a good thing because you don't want to get a gold medal for being the worst at something. Get it? Side note: I think I have a future as an Olympic judge. You know, when it comes to the important things like an athlete's physical appearance or victory dances. So the thing that kept Russia from eating it in the hair category was the fact that at least the girls had some neat, normal ponytails going on. But the glitter. Oh, the glitter. And scrunchies. And those metal snappy clips. It's like everything I wish I could forget about my 90's childhood. Maybe Russia is so far behind with their time zones that it's actually just now 1996 there. Other than that, I really can't explain a need for any of this. 

Best Hair
Alysia Montano

So for all you haters that say that I'm being so mean to those poor teenage gymnasts, they're so talented and flying off bars, how are they supposed to make their hair look good, wah wah wah, check out this lady. She friggen ran like fifty miles an hour with a flower in hair and it stayed. So I don't want to hear that a girl swinging on an uneven bar couldn't have made just a little more effort. Yes, Alysia came in fifth, but hey- at least she has a memorable signature. I mean, I remembered who she was, so that has to count for something, right?

Most Adorable Athletic Enthusiasts
Will & Kate

I mean, c'mon, could these two be any cuter? Well maybe, if it weren't for William's receding hairline. But still, cuteness city. If there was ever a time that people were calling for these two to procreate, it was this moment when they were watching tennis or handball (whatever that is) or something.  They probably could have conceived a child right there and they would have received a standing ovation from the crowd. Though it probably helps when you own the country. Although do you hate her a little bit for make a white polo look so good? No? Just me? Okay. 

Second Most Adorable Athletic Enthusiasts: 
David Beckham & a child that is not Harper

Ohemgee-this-is-like-all-the-puppies-and-kittens-in-the-world-and-that-fabric-softener-bear-cuteness-rolled-into-one. Who knew Becks was such a doting father? Although I guess someone in that family has to be the affectionate one. We all know that's not exactly Posh's strong suit. 

Best Meme (Gold Medal): 
The Queen (Remixed)

I can't believe I didn't think of this. Literally while watching the open ceremonies Steve was counting all the countries that had flags featuring the Union Jack. When I showed him this, he yelled "we could have been rich!!!" and cried a little. 

Best Meme (Silver Medal):
McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed

I love that she made this face while excepting her silver medal. As the sister of a pageant queen, I know that first runner up really means first loser. That face should be the poster for the term first loser. Okay, obviously I know she's not actually a loser, I mean she clearly also has a gold medal and I don't no matter how much jewelry I acquire. But this reminds me of at award shows how all the nominees that don't win are expected to clap politely and be pretend happy for the actual winner. This bitch is not pretending. She's downright pissed and she doesn't care who knows it. I sort of like her more for it. 

Best Dressed:
All of These People

As if the Olympian's bodies were hard enough to stare at for two weeks and not feel like a complete and utter failure, England showcased their most well known export- stick figures that could walk for days. But seriously, how fierce is this all ages living model montage? I literally gasped when they popped out from behind those billboards of themselves. I would wear every single thing that each of them is wearing. Even the guy's gold suit. And the headdress. Together. 

Worst Dressed:
Face Dress Sign Holder Girls

I'm serious, this may go down as one of my top worst dressed people ever. I mean she's like above Gwyneth in that goth wife beater gown but below anything Helena Bonham Carter wears (hey, where was she? She's British and weird. Would have fit right in at Opening Ceremonies). It's bad enough there was one of these dresses, but in fact there was one for every country. Apparently they were made to represent the faces of all the volunteers for the ceremony? I'm sorry, I would have rather received a nice fruit basket. Everything about this is wrong- the shape, the shoes, the sleeves. Blech. This makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. At least she figured out how to do a good bun!

Biggest Trend:

Olympics go Gaga? Yawn. Is nothing original?

Second Biggest Trend:

Okay, I take back what I said about (certain) athletes. Both the men and women were very on trend with most of them sporting an assortment of neon shaded sneaks. I am very impressed... some one has been reading InStyle...

Ed. note: Apparently Nike makes these shoes in these colors because your eyes are drawn to them and you want to buy them. Also they're technically meant for function so I take back what I said about these runners being so stylish. 

Most Overexposed:
Every New NBC Show

Dear God, NBC. Please. I get that now is like make it or break it time for advertising, but frankly, I am no longer interested in any of your upcoming fall shows. Revolution is clearly a movie that J.J. Abrams convinced someone to stretch into a series, Go On is another chance for Chandler to redeem himself after Studio 60, and I just don't care for shows or movies where a primate is one of the principal cast members. But of course I will watch The New Normal because it's from Ryan Murphy and I love Glee and anything Glee adjacent. 

Greatest Spice Girl Reunion Moment: 
Um, ALL OF THEM! But Especially This-

I basically only came around to being okay with this whole Olympics taking over our lives thing because I heard the Spice Girls were reuniting for the Closing Ceremonies, which is why it really sucked that it took us so long to get there. I have loved Sporty, Scary, Baby, Posh and Ginger (she was my favorite!) since I was eleven when I caught their first ever American television performance on SNL. I had a VHS tape that I recorded anytime they appeared on TV. I cried when my parent's wouldn't drive me and my friends to the opening of Spiceworld at the local movie theatre because there was some stupid snowstorm and they were "worried for our safety." I also cried when we worked diligently on our lip sync version of "Wannabe" and were not accepted into the West Running Brook talent show because we were in sixth grade and the eighth graders wanted to do it too. I also cried and held a candlelight vigil (for one, obviously) in my bedroom when Ginger left the group. So you could say I'm a life long fan. I kick myself every time I hear about them doing something because I can't believe I didn't get it together to go to their reunion tour. So help me, if this musical gets off the ground and comes to the States I AM GOING. 

Most Horrific Spice Girl Reunion Moment: 
We Almost Lost Posh!

I mean, she's no one's favorite, and it would leave Becks as a single man, but oh the horror when she almost flew off that Mini Cooper!

Photos courtesy of Yahoo, USA Today, Style Blueprint, Gizmodo, IMDB, ABC News, Imgur, Nick Verreos' blog. Don't bother suing me, unless you accept payment in the currency of things that cost less than $10 from Forever 21. 


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Oh Baby, Baby

A few weeks ago, I celebrated my twenty seventh birthday (I'm going to assume your gift got lost in the mail). Clearly, this is a time where one starts to engage in such milestones as getting married (check), buying houses (only if they accept Ulta points as a form of payment) and having babies (eeeeeeek definitely not there yet). While I may not be ready yet to surrender my love of wine in order to incubate another human being, my friend Tim is! Well, not him so much as his lovely wife Cassie, who is ready to pop any day and theoretically could possibly go into labor as I type this.

I've known Tim since our days as high school theatre geeks, you know, before it was cool (there was no Glee back then). My dad and I were honored when Tim and Cassie chose us to be their wedding photographers a few years ago, and I was even more honored/nervous/unprepared when Tim recently contacted me about taking some Bump photos before Baby Girl Buck arrives.

As excited as I was... I've never shot maternity pictures before. I pretty much specialize in wedding and Bat Mitzvahs as far as photography goes. But since acquiring my own equipment, I've been wanting to branch out my photo skills a bit, and the Buck's were nice enough to let me experiment on their innocent little baby. 

Never one to leave anything to chance, Tim scoped out a location and quickly emailed me directions, photos and videos of where it was/what it looked like/how to find it/what the weather would be/longitude and latitude and all the other essential information. We were lucky enough that the weather held out for us. Cassie was a huge trooper- she didn't complain, sweat or cry once, which is the exact opposite reaction that I imagine that I would have carrying a watermelon around at the end of July. She even willingly brought costume changes- a girl after my own heart. 

Cassie is now approximately eight days away from the arrival of their little girl, so of course I want to give her her first dose of celebrity status featuring some of my personal favorite shots on the blog. Which ones do you like the best?

It's safe to say that I am officially pumped for Baby Buck's arrival. Mainly because these two were such great sports, and also because I couldn't get either of them to reveal their top secret baby name. I'll be anxiously awaiting Facebook updates from technology master Tim!


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Don't Feel So Alive

Ugh, I'm sick.

Not like I have a cold sick. I get colds and coughs and general snottiness all the time (I know you just had to know all of that. You're welcome). 

If you asked me on Saturday night, I would have told you I was dying. Alright, I guess that's a little overdramatic but I was in such pain that death seemed imminent. After going to the E.R. and whatever other doctor I could find (thank you Urgent Care, for taking in a dumb twenty seven year old young woman who STILL hasn't found a primary care doctor in Massachusetts despite taking up residence here for the past three years), it's pretty much a guarantee that I have a kidney infection. And it suuuuuuuucks. Not just because it sucks anytime you feel like a part of your body is failing on you (or in my case, rebelling because I'm not so good with the eating healthy/exercising), but because the pain I have felt in conjunction with this has like totally imobilized me. 

I am now on day three of sitting on the couch/doing nothing and even I am bored with myself. Did you know that there's only so much Bravo you can watch before you lose vital brain cells that prevent you from performing basic functions? Combine that with painkillers and you're basically a useless blob. I always wish I had this many days off in a row, but that was to hopefully you know, accomplish something. The pain in my side has prevented me from putting away my laundry, blogging (!!!), painting my nails, washing my hair (I don't want to talk about how long it has been) and performing any motions other than walking back and forth to my bedroom.

So needless to say, that's why I've been sort of MIA. And not in a cool way like the rapper, as in like absent in the world. Especially blog world. Which really sucks, because now would be the perfect time to just get a whole bunch of crap done. But when you feel this horrible/are in a oxycodone haze, the last thing you can do is pull yourself together enough to compose a Friday's Fancies, Olympic wrap up, or a montage of adorable photos from my first ever maternity shoot (taking the pictures, not being in them. After the discomfort I've been in I can tell you that having a baby is the LAST thing on my brain right now).

In short, this is what I can deduce from living the past three days as a vegetable:
1. I miss humans. Real ones, like other than the other sickly people in waiting rooms and every person on Bridezillas.
2. I don't really care for Aylin (if you don't know what I'm talking about, you clearly didn't just watch six episodes of The Glee Project IN A ROW).
3. Microwaveable heating pads are the greatest invention ever (can you believe in the old days they had to be plugged in?! psh).
4. It's okay to abandon all of your fashion rules when you feel like crap (I went to the E.R. in socks and sandals- I KNOW) but you still have to brush your teeth.
5. Husbands are the best. Well I don't know if all of them are, but mine certainly is. I knew this already, but it pretty much hit home when I woke up this morning and realized he labeled all my medications in black Sharpie because it's really hard to tell them apart in a drug induced haze. 

So that's where I've been. I'm hoping after this round of antibiotics I'll be back to my regular self. Because the version of myself that I have been for the past seventy two hours is someone that no one should want to be friends with. I'm thinking about breaking up with me. 


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Your Chariot's on Fire

When you're with someone for seven years, you think you know everything about them. Or at least the important things. And of course all the weird things. I don't think it was until now that I knew how truly obsessed Steve was with all things Olympics. I mean there's been like three other Olympics in the time since we first started dating, but this is the first time it's been on since we've lived together. 

I have never seen someone so entranced with something as I've seen him in the four days since the Games started. I'm not particularly athletic, so I've never really paid attention to the Olympics in the past. Plus I hate watching people play sports on television. 

But like every other red-blooded American I of course tuned in for the Opening Ceremonies on Friday night. And while it's hard for me to get into the sport of it all, it was instantaneous that I observed what I deemed to be the hits and misses of the Parade of Nations ensembles. Which is obviously almost as important as winning an actual medal. I mean, who wants to go down in history as the team with the worst uniforms?

So here it is, your very own Lindsay's Look: Best and Worst Dressed, Olympics Edition. Just like the Oscars, but with more blazers and less sequins.


I imagine that designing skirts for a large group of women is tough, especially very muscular women with athletic bodies. But I think unlike the longer skirts that many countries donned so awkwardly, these bright green and yellow minis seemed to compliment the female Brazilian athletes very well. It probably also doesn't hurt that Brazilian women have a reputation for being the most beautiful women in the world. I'm not usually a fan of the sneaker/skirt combo but they manage to make it look really cute and not at all Working Girl. Bonus points for the cute scarves. 

Cayman Islands
How often do you hear "relaxed fit" and think "sloppy?" These loose white pants get the job done right. I mean it wouldn't make sense for this locale to send their representatives in there in some some stuffy buttoned up duds. However, the fitted blazers add a level of polish to what could be a slackerish look. Also I'm a sucker for some good piping. With the straw fedoras and hints of lime, this look screams "preppy islander" which I'm kind of obsessed with. 

This may be one of my favorite looks of the evening, and I spent quite a bit of time staring at David Beckham. I love that they look like a group of well-dressed school girls. This is such a classic ensemble that it could be their uniforms from 1912 or 2012. You really can't go wrong with a classic cardigan and a swooshy A line skirt. Also, props to whoever designed this for grasping the concept that athletes can wear something other than sneakers for a few hours. There's nothing wrong with a tasteful flat!

Leave it to France to be at the height of fashion even in sport. For them, it was all about the accessories. The women carried purses. PURSES! Genius. Just because you don't have to carry money, identification or a cell phone doesn't mean you should scrimp on the extras! Between the guys striped belts and the women's red shoes (die!), these looks were pulled together effortlessly. But what would you expect?

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Just don't look at the men. The women (you know, all three of them. Represent!) I thought looked stunning in their blue and white printed maxi dresses. I love that they stood out in a sea full of blazers and linen pants. I think the whole thing of these outfits is that it's supposed to accurately represent the feel of your country, and you have all of ten seconds to make that impression. These women would have looked out of place if they had tried to sport some version of what they thought Olympic uniforms are supposed to look like. If I could say hooray in Guam I would.

I haven't really gotten in on the whole Bollywood trend (I mean, I still haven't even seen Slumdog Millionaire) but I think these buttery yellow gowns compliment their skin and hair perfectly. The beautiful edge detailing and soft slippers compliment the busy garments without distracting from what I can only refer to as an ornate simplicity. 

It's hard to tell the difference between these and the Brazilian uniforms upon first glance, as they feature very similar colors. While I don't love them as much as the aforementioned outfits, I like the boldness of the yellow jacket and the insignia style patch on the skirts. Now I know the weather is crappy in London, but were the black tights really necessary? It's July. But props to the men for rocking those very fitted green pants. 

Has anyone else out there only heard of Latvia because that's where Winston played basketball on New Girl? No? You guys all knew where that was? Just me? Whatever. Well what I now know about Latvia is they are at least halfway stylish. A fitted white blazer, tasteful sheath dresses, chic flats. However they almost lost me with those floppy hats. You know how they say you should always remove one accessory before you leave? Well those hats would have been best left at home in Latvia. 

Again, I've chosen to completely ignore the men in this instance (I mean completely, because um, hello, ponchos?!) because it does not look like they and the women on this team came from the same place. I mean the women look so chic in their white dress/red blazer combos and the men look like they all piled out of a very small car to get there. 

So apparently, this is where I need to go to find just the right pair of red pants. Now if someone could just point me to the general vicinity of where Libya is located, I'll be on my way. 

Forget Banana Republic, apparently the Olympics is where you need to go to get yourself a quality fitted blazer. These ladies look lovely in navy skirts and khaki blazers. The print is a little scary on the shirt (again, mainly exhibited by the men, ugh) but the little red scarf is a nice distraction. Again, this is a case of where a good flat can go a long way in place of an athletic shoe. I mean, look how happy that flag girl is. She knows she looks good, so she feels good too! It could also have something to do with being in the peak of physical perfection. Eh, screw that. Clothes make the man (or woman!) and this girl clearly can tell she's rocking it. 

 Again with a quality maxi dress! Applause, Nepal! I admit, I would have liked to see what appears to be a one shoulder top of this dress, but maybe this is one of the more conservative countries? I don't know, Nepal sounds cold too. Maybe that's why they're covering up with blazers? It definitely takes away a little bit from the breezyness of it, plus you're kind of throwing off what is supposed to be an asymmetrical design by putting something so balanced and structured on the top. But props to them for stepping outside what appears to be a very narrow box at the Opening Ceremony. 

This one deserves a gold medal if only because it is one of the worst color combinations to work with. I know that blue and orange are technically complimentary on the color wheel, but that is a very challenging palate. Speaking as someone who is married to someone who's favorite color is orange, I can tell you for a fact that while nothing rhymes with orange, nothing goes with it either. Something about this orange trench just works, and the muted navy dress helps to balance out what could have been a fashion disaster. Even the guys are rocking the orange pants a fabulous sweater and blazer like it's nothing. The only thing I find weird about this is the corsages. First of all, why?! I didn't seen anyone else looking like they were heading to the prom instead of the Olympic games. Even if you disregard the flowers on the men because I guess they are like, a little bit dashing, the sheer size of these buds are just kind of awkward for the women and like that giant creepy baby in the opening number, I just don't get why it's there.

Talk about representing! I love these cheery swooshy numbers. The bold emerald color looks awesome against the crisp white and it makes me want to go there and hang out with these people and have them dress me. I'm sure the hats are traditional garb, but they're just like slightly big for my taste. I know, I'm a bigger is always better type gal when it comes to accessories, but I think they distract a little from the dresses. Still beautiful, though!

I think in general the men of the Olympics pretty much all deserve to be in the worst dressed category. I mean, who knew that the athletes from Paraguay also moonlight in a barbershop quartet?! But look at those women. Red wrap dresses and cleavage make for the most va va voomiest of Opening Ceremony garb. However the flats help balance it out a bit. But ladies, where are we going with the barrettes? 

So other than red, white and blue which is apparently everyone else's national colors (good to know that if things don't work out here, my wardrobe and I will be just fine in almost every other country previously owned by Great Britain), yellow was the hot color of the evening. I know, I know, it's like the actual color of these countries, but I love how everyone was just so bold with it. LIke these two piece dresses courtesy of Senegal. I loved the contrast of the black embroidery on the top, and their head pieces were just the right size that they didn't distract from the rest of the outfit. 

Um, what's going on here? I thought Serbia was an awful frozen tundra where you send things that you never want to see again? Not the land of cute shorts and striped sweaters. Seriously, I love everything about both of these looks. For guys or girls for that matter, you can never go wrong with a nice sweater and a button down. As for the ladies, the white blazer has obviously been a staple for many Olympic uniforms, but the thin navy piping is the perfect addition to such an essential piece. 
*note: I have just been informed that Siberia is the awful frozen tundra, not Serbia. Serbia has to at least be nice enough to wear shorts, wherever it is. 

Kate Middleton
Okay, well obviously this is a give in. I mean, is the Duchess even capable of being on a worst dressed list? Clearly she's pulling out the big fashion guns being that this is the Olympics and all. This pale blue number is stunning, which is hard to say about something with a satin belt.

Track suits? For a sporting event? How groundbreaking. Wake me when it's over. 

United States
Okay, I know I am being a total traitor to my country and my marriage but I hate these outfits. I don't care that they're Ralph Lauren. The double breasted blazer is way too stiff and those white skirts look like they belong on nurses in the 1950's. And the bobby socks with the white Ked's? Kill me. I think the absolute worst is the hats. Oh, the hats. If there was something I never needed to see, it's LeBron James in a beret. 

Again, the track jackets? Snooze. I think Steve used to wear this jacket in college and I can vividly remember he bought it at Walmart. Also no one can wear a red top and khakis anymore without looking like the Target lady. Not cute. 

Czech Republic
I think the Czechians have taken every possible horrible thing you could wear and thrown them together. This reminds me of what kindergarteners look like after they beg their parents to let them dress themselves. I get that London is rainy, but the boots are so unnecessary. Also, the umbrellas. And the leggings. And the print. Ugh, that horrible print.

Again with the print. What is this? Whatever it is, it hurts. 

The cast of Annie Get Your Gun called. They want their costumes back. 

One word: jeans.

Oh, sorry. I mean Former Yougoslav Republic of Macedonia. Sorry for the confusion. Is this a warm place? I mean, it still doesn't really justify showing up in board shorts. As if those weren't bad enough, a long sleeve shirt doesn't exactly compliment the beach bottoms. 

I'm sorry, but these outfits just look like something that Mexico threw up. Which is exactly how I feel when I look at them. 

Papua New Guinea
Sorry, New Guinea, you are no Katniss. And don't even get me started on the skirt length.

I guess their Olympians double as nurses at the local hospitals?

Ugh. I take back what I said about yellow. And purses. Sometimes trends can go wrong. I mean, even the boat shoes are questionable in this instance. Oh and there are headbands. Basically everything that could ever be horrible is in the ensemble. Which is unfortunate, because I picture Spanish women as being really sexy in like a flamenco skirt or something with their flowing hair pinned aside by a giant flower. Stereotype? Maybe. Whatever, it's better than being forced to look at this mess much longer.

Queen Elizabeth
Okay, I don't really want to judge her outfit so much because this lady has worn every color under the sun throughout her reign and she's probably running out. However I do know this is a difficult color to wear when you are British/Waspy/"Pink" (as my mother says, who is one of those people herself). I am more bestowing this un-honor on her due to her facial expressions, or lack thereof. Lizzie, hasn't anyone ever told you you're never fully dressed without a smile?! Cheer up! You got the Olympics in your city, it's your Jubilee, and you got to meet James Bond! 


all photos courtesy of yahoo!