Hey Baby, I Don't Think I Wanna Marry You...

Sunday night is slowly becoming my fave TV night. There are just so many delicious options to choose from that sometimes I feel like I am living Sophie's Choice every time I check my DVR. Lately I have been recording Bridezillas, Amsale Girls, The Glee Project, Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Real Housewives of NJ on a weekly basis (but more on some of those later).

Bridezillas has been a favorite of mine for a long time, which should be no surprise at this point. I love weddings and I love watching people that are ridiculous. In 8 seasons, no one has ever topped my number one appointed Bridezilla of all time, Karen from Staten Island, although LaDreina "Chocolate Donut" is a close second (no wonder they edited these two beauties into the same episode!).

This show takes on a whole new meaning for me now. Being that I am 6 months post-nuptial (a moment of silence, please) most wedding shows make me depressed. I'm not exaggerating, I mean literally sad face little tears. I can't watch Say Yes To the Dress anymore without weeping internally that I will never have Randy ask me "is this your dress??" or knowing that David Tutera is not going to swoop in at the last minute and makeover my winter themed reception (not that I needed it- my wedding was "da bomb" as LaDreina would say, although I never did get that that ice castle).

Bridezillas has the opposite effect, because instead of feeling sad that my wedding is over, I feel awesome that I am not a horrible human being. These bitches are straight up crazy. Don't get me wrong, I was crazy. I went through periods of crazy, followed by sobbing. But I never hit my fiancee, told a bridesmaid they were too fat for a dress or threw a cake at anyone (if you've never watched Bridezillas before, these are all real things that I have witnessed on the show. Stop reading this and get to OnDemand, now!). Sure, I ran out of ink the night before my wedding when I had only printed 25 of 150 programs. I found myself at 3 months until the big day without the photographer I was supposed to have. I even got cut on the arm by one of my bridesmaids at the reception when I changed into my party dress (she was cutting off those hangy things) and almost bled on myself. Despite all those things, I never felt stress to the point of acting like a lunatic and possibly facing jail time. I survived, and everyone else survived, and as far as I'm concerned, I could have been a.lot.worse.

So that is my Bridezilla disclaimer. Now onto the girls:

The first 'Zilla highlighted was Porsha, who we met last week. Now I do not want to stereotype, and this description comes with a BIG disclaimer that I am not discriminating against her for any reason, but Porsha is one of the more commonly featured Bridezillas. She is a large black woman who is a DI-VA, which we all know now is just a female version of a hustler (thank you, Beyonce). And in case you were wondering, the other breed of Brides normally featured on this program are big-haired, loudmouthed orange girls from Florida, New Jersey or... Staten Island! (Enter, Karen).

Porsha, like so many of the other 'Zillas before her, has a perfectly nice and normal (and thin) fiance Byron, who she beats into submission on a daily basis. She is also convinced his "baby momma" is going to show up at the wedding to ruin her day. This is also a reoccurring theme on this show, as many of the Brides are SO full of themselves that they think every woman that has ever once dated, looked at or spoken to their future husbands are going to show up and make a scene to "try to ruin their day." My favorite are the ones that threaten security- "if she think she 'gon show up to MY weddin, she is goin to be escorted OUT by security." Please. If you can't afford real flowers, a DJ or clothes that fit, you most definitely do not have the budget for a security detail.

Aside from her general unpleasant demeanor, Porsha had another bad habit that I personally find disgusting, and I have been known to eat shredded cheese out of the bag as a snack. When she gets stressed, she sucks her thumb. Oh, by the way, she's 28.

If that wasn't bad enough, the opening scene featured Porsha trying to squeeze herself into a salon massage chair at the nail salon, as a bridesmaid fed her a fast food burger and while Lois, the poor pedicurist was faced with the daunting task of attempting to saw off the calloused bunions on her feet.

Next we met Gloria from somewhere in Bad Accent, NY. As if being an anxious crybaby wasn't unappealing enough, Gloria is rocking some very 90's scrunched hair that you could tell required half a bottle of L.A. Looks. Ironically, later in the episode Gloria claims that her hair is falling out due to wedding stress. Stress, or maybe her hair is jumping ship to get far, far away from the abuse. After meeting her mother however, it wasn't hard to see that the apple did not fall far from the tacky tree. Gloria's mom actually declared that no one was going to "take her out of the 70's," which kind of didn't need to said as her hair said it all for her. When Gloria suggested a classier style, her mother scoffed at the idea of a French twist, because she "doesn't like anything with the word twist in it." Duh.

I found Gloria to be an all around bore, and maybe her personality would be better featured on a show called Weepzilla, because that is all she did throughout her entire episode. Where was the hair pulling, the forced bridesmaid diet, the bouquet-throwing? I do have to point out my favorite Gloria moment, when she was prodding her mom at the salon to please let one of those nice people attempt to style her witchy Anjelica Houston bangs into something presentable. As her mom continued to refuse their service, Gloria pleaded for her to relent, if only for her special day because (and these words are VERBATIM because I rewound it at least three times to make sure I heard it right), "How many times am I gonna get married?! Okay?! This is my second time." Thank you Gloria, for being the most forgettable Bridezilla so far this season but also possibly the most insightful.

Back to Porsha! The Divine Miss P was driving around Mississippi in her car prank calling Byron's friends to find out details about his supposed sordid bachelor party. She thought she was real smart calling one of his boys and pretending to be a dude inquiring about the soiree's location. She squealed with delight that said boy was so dumb he couldn't tell by her voice that she was a man or a woman. Uh, Porsha, I'm LOOKING at you and I'm still not totally convinced either way.

Porsha's main concern of course, was Byron's bachelorette party. Per usual demand by a Bridezilla, there were to be NO STRIPPERS entertaining the gentleman. In an odd twist of double standards, Porsha shows up to her own bachelorette party with her good hair on and a dress that looks like it was fashioned out of 20 irregular satin scarves (which sadly, still was not enough coverage) expecting to see "12 inches of you know what" all up her face. Direct quote. Said party was held in a "club" that looked like it was fashioned out of a tin can and I'm pretty sure was just in someone's back yard, because all of the beverages appeared to be served in Dixie cups.

Porsha then headed to the VIP room, which the Bridezilla voice over lady points out is most likely the attic (always the voice of reason), and suddenly the once outlandish Porsha is nervous and demure. "I'm not ready!" she declares under her breath, which I found hard to believe because she seemed prepared with a stack of $1 bills. Suddenly a very large oiled up man enters the room with what appears to be his pants halfway down his thighs (it was hard to tell with all the pixelation). I would like to take this moment to point out that in all my years of watching this show, this is the first time that I've ever seen an episode prefaced with a disclaimer warning the audience of "sexual situations." If you really need to see what happens next, I'm sure you can find the replay of this episode at least 30 more times this week on WE, but I'm warning you- please do so on an empty stomach.

Finally it was time for Porsha's "wedding of the century." The girls showed up for the ever necessary second rehearsal (?) at the "venue." I apologize for the sheer amount of quotation marks in this post, but using the word venue to describe Porsha's wedding location gives a bad name to all reception sites that ever were or will be. The only way I can describe it is a makeshift auditorium, complete with concrete floors, folding chairs, and those collapsable wood benches that you see shoved to the side in a high school gym when there isn't a basketball game going on.

Sigh. I miss Porsha already. Next week it's more Gloria (yawn) and some broad named Tricia who is apparently having a "Bro's and Ho's" themed wedding. I'm not quite sure what that is, but it sounds awesome...ly bad. And anyone that knows me knows I love a good theme.

Teenage Nightmare Part II... Now Baby, I Believe!

I know what some of you are thinking. "Lindsay, you started a blog over a year ago and wrote a total of three entries. You all of a sudden decided to post again, and you did it about a crappy MTV reality show that is ruining our society. Not only did you blog about said show, but you half blogged as you didn't even discuss 3 of the 4 personalities. Now you're probably going take off once again and leave us hanging about your true feelings about Maci, Catelynn and Amber, and how will we ever go on?"

I cannot disagree with that scenario being a possibility. Given my inconsistent history with this blog, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking any of these things. All I can say is that this time, I'm going to be better. It is so much harder to write than I remember when you don't have a deadline looming over your head. So please, stick with me. It's going to be a little rough at first, after all, it is summer, which is not television's forte. But we're going to get through this, and come fall (and award show season- weeeee!) we will practically be besties.

So back to the Moms. I've always thought of Maci as the fan favorite (and unfortunately so do these people), not only because she smartened up and finally broke off what was obviously a terrible relationship, but because baby Bentley is just so damn cute! Despite falling for a tool and getting knocked up before she got her driver's license, Maci seems to have come out a better person in the end- she works, goes to school and raises her child, which most of the other girls that we've seen come and go through this series can barely seem to do one of those things. However Maci can't get all the credit, as she seems to be the only cast member that has the emotional (and obviously financial- how else could she afford her pimped out Celica and all those tattoos?!) support of both her parents, as does baby daddy Ryan, although he appears to be much more of a freeloader (on unemployment for a year at age 19?).

Any of us that watch Teen Mom most likely read US Weekly as well (sorry to typecast there, but let's be real), where we discovered that despite Maci and her boyfriend Kyle's breakup at the end of Season 2, they are now back together and like, stronger than ever! So now that Kyle is back in the picture, will he and Ryan ever actually meet?

It doesn't seem like Ryan and Kyle will be racing ATV's (or whatever the hell Ryan does all day) anytime soon, as Maci's Season 3 story began with yet another pass off of Bentley to Ryan for his allotted visitation (point for Maci- one of the only girls that has actually figured out a custody agreement!). As they exchanged uncomfortable small talk, Ryan let Maci know that he actually had a very serious question to ask her that he had to know the answer too. Not important enough to ask the question aloud, mind you. So what is Maci's tactic to solve this conundrum? While sitting in front of him in his garage, she tells Ryan to text the question to her (minus 3 points for Maci).

As if witnessing this exchange between these two former lovebirds wasn't awkward enough, MTV finally exposed the elephant in the room when they zoomed in on Ryan's text on Maci's phone. "Is Kyle slow?"

A moment of honesty: there has been more than one occasion in which I have asked the same question of doofy Kyle. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a sweet guy, but I never felt that there was a very bright light in the attic up there. I always chocked it up to the fact that he was sort of big and bumbly and Southern.

Regardless of whether or not Ryan and his friends were mocking Kyle in privacy for his presumed disabilities, it's not like Ryan is a Rhodes scholar himself. At least Kyle actually made it to college!

Maci acted like she was horribly offended by what Ryan was insinuating, but I have to think that this wasn't the first time that Maci has ever been asked that, at least to her face. I mean, I was raised right, so I speculate behind people's backs. Of course, Maci dealt with this the best way she knew how- by forwarding the text to Kyle just in case the knife needed to be twisted a little more (because let's face it- he would have eventually seen it on TV). Minus 2 points, Maci. Kyle is practically Bentley's stepfather already, and if she ever wants her boyfriend and baby daddy to meet, maybe it wasn't the best idea for her to share Ryan's little ponderings with him.

My absolute favorite part of Maci's appearance in this episode was courtesy of the Voice of Reason, Keelie, who despite her stupidly spelled name actually contributed the most insightful perspective I think I've ever seen on this series. As the girls did lunch (ahem, money, anyone?! Single Teen Moms aren't supposed to be able to afford lunch at adorable Southern cafes everyday!) and Maci pecked away at her caesar salad (have you ever seen this girl eat like an actual sandwich?), she exhaled slowly and exclaimed, "why is my life so hard?" Without missing so much as a beat, Keelie fired back, "because you had unprotected sex!" 100 points for Keelie, although if she makes any more appearances on TM I will be petitioning for a name change to help validate her role as the brains behind this whole operation.

To make matters worse for Maci, who in comparison to Ryan normally comes out smelling like a rose, the child support that she assumed Ryan wasn't paying turned out to be nothing more than a technical glitch from the bank. You could just tell the satisfaction she got out of calling the child support people and hearing that if she reported him, he could possibly go to jail. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!

To be honest, I'm still rooting for Maci and slow Kyle, as long as she keeps it real and puts Bentley first, which seems really difficult when you have to pay for hair bleaching and acrylic nails. Seriously, have you ever noticed how much the girls on these shows have iPhones, fake nails and tattoos? I have one of those three things (I'll give you wild guess as to which one) and let me tell you, it ain't cheap. So I have a really hard time listening to Maci complain about her child support when her turquoise contacts and ear gauges are staring back at me. Be careful, Maci. Don't let your story be another cautionary tale- girl meets boy, girl falls in love, girl let's boy impregnate her in the back of a pickup truck after the homecoming dance, boy is forced to propose to girl, girl discovers boy is a deadbeat, girl gets reality show, boy acts like a moron, girl meets new boy, girl falls in love all over again, girl is on covers of tabloid rags, girl gets moderately famous, girls hangs out with Snooki and Co... you get where this is going.

Whew! Another one in the bag. But we still have 2 Moms to go! No rest for the weary I guess. I promise that future recaps will not be so long, that is, unless Amber starts punching people again.

Let's meet again tomorrow, shall we?

~L

You Make Me Feel Like I'm Living A Teenage Nightmare

As much as it kills me to admit this as an (almost) 26 year old, college educated and relatively intelligent woman, I am a little obsessed with 16 and Pregnant and downright possessed by it's illegitimate spawn, Teen Mom.

I know that MTV has served us heaping piles of crap over the years like Next, Dismissed, Boiling Point and My Super Sweet Sixteen (there are so many more quality-free titles I could mention, but we'd be here all night). But for as many shows that they have produced that have made politicians and parents alike fret over the youth of America heading deeper into a downward spiral, there have been a few that have made a severe impact on pop culture (Jersey Shore, anyone?) and even stood to educate us a little bit about our fellow man in ways we did not think possible by the same network that brought us Beavis and Butthead.

Although there have been significant less successes than failures as far as informing teenagers and young adults about topics outside of video making and spring breaking, programs like True Life and the original seasons of Real World actually let people witness worlds they would never have encountered otherwise.

So that was my brief history of my feelings towards MTV. Now, let's get to the moms.

I have to admit I was a little behind on the 16&P Express. I didn't start watching until halfway through the first season, and despite MTV's affinity for reruns and life-sucking marathons, I still to this day have not seen Farrah or Catelynn's original episodes that began their stories that I am now so enamored with.

Like Jersey Shore, my initial fascination was that I had virtually nothing in common with these people. Nobody wants to watch themselves on TV (well, except maybe anyone on an MTV reality show, but that is besides the point). I'm guessing the Nielsen Ratings for a show about an awkward theater geek with an unbalanced haircut (that she referred to as "layers") and scoliosis would be slim to none. At the age that these girls were letting high school boys get to third base and eventually sliding into home (ew) I hadn't even had my first kiss. So needless to say, there is something almost gratifying about watching this show and knowing I will never be one of those girls with a bastard child now that I am a married lady (I apologize for both the use of "bastard child" and "married lady." Clearly we can see why there was never a risk of me being 16 and Pregnant).

While I always enjoy program that raise my self esteem while lowering my IQ, the first season of the 16&P spinoff Teen Mom fascinated me because of an element that is lacking from most reality shows- you got to see these girls beyond their 60 minute special that you thought was going to be a one time deal. I always wondered if those hoarders on Mission Organization went back to living in what appeared to be a landfill, or if the women on What Not To Wear couldn't stay away from velour track suits and scrunchies. With Teen Mom, so many burning questions about the status of Farrah, Maci, Catelynn and Amber were answered, while ironically, the other few girls featured on the first season of 16&P were never heard from again.

Tonight I returned from my annual Fourth of July trek to Portland, giddy with delight knowing that at home there was a.) no husband to hog TV and b.) a brand new hour of the Season 3 premiere of Teen Mom. After showering off layers of SPF 55, sand, and margarita salt, I snuggled up on my sectional where I could choose WHICHEVER SECTION TO SIT ON THAT I WANTED and prepared to enjoy one of many on my growing list of guilty pleasures (I'm convinced at this point that my list of guilty pleasures is starting to outweigh just regular, un-embarrassing pleasures).

I don't know if anyone else shares my sentiment here, but I was so thoroughly disappointed in the current status of the Moms that I almost cried in my favorite guilty pleasure snack- half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese.

Let's start with Farrah, the biggest disaster of all, which is saying a lot considering that she shares a show with Amber (who we will get to in a bit). Farrah began her segment by once again reminding us of her deceased baby daddy and some footage of adorable Sofia looking forlorn and reminding me of that baby bird in "Are You My Mother?" We find out that Farrah has been very busy during the hiatus, as she is working, going to culinary school, "modeling," and oh yeah, raising her baby which she apparently just realized was a full time job.

One may have started to feel bad for Farrah after she recapped her frayed relationship with her parents and her inability to find closure for Sofia's dad and the fact that he would never know his daughter. I almost felt a twinge in my cold reality tv heart, until Farrah also informed us that the latest conundrum is her already stressful life was that she was struggling with whether or not to get a boob job, and even more difficult- how to pay for it! What's a girl to do? Don't you hate it when you accidentally get pregnant as a teenager and then your boobs get all weird and then you like can't afford to get them fixed because that baby thing is always crying and you have to spend all your boob money on like, jars of strained peas and stuff? Ugh, that is the worst.

In what appears to be a result of heavy sedation (seriously, the droopiness has to go), Farrah's mother only slightly disagreed with her decision, but not enough to raise her voice or show any emotion about it. And didn't you feel like she got some sort of satisfaction about asking Farrah to draw up that will "just in case?" There was a slight twinkle in her eye when she mentioned that something could happen to Farrah while going under the knife and Sofia would finally be hers, just like she basically was all along!

After listening to three people reject Farrah for her "breast augmentation loan," which I was horrified to hear was a category on the menu for the automated phone service she was trying to get through to, someone (cough, cough MTV) deemed her a viable candidate for the extra cash that she claimed wasn't being taken away from her baby to finally fix those terrible ta tas she been carrying around for these past 2 years. Whew. Crisis averted. Not only would Farrah finally feel good about herself, but this could also help her "modeling" career, which is really an investment in her and Sofia's future anyway, so if you think about it, this was like the best idea ever! Oh and by the way, she can't walk, carry or feed her baby while she's recovering so someone better check Michael's schedule and make sure he is wide open.

After her loving father (I mean Michael!) picked her up and attempted to carry her into her bed and load her up with frozen vegetables and whatever a "hot pad" is (I'm guessing it's a heating pad, but c'mon), Sofia was only minorly abandoned in this episode as Michael left her at the bottom of the stairs and commanded her to "stay!" Well-trained, Sofia. The kid has already burned herself with hot water and fallen off a queen-sized bed so she's pretty much learned her lesson than to let one of these winners in the Abraham family take care of her. Next week, she will have learned to change her own diaper and is going to be working on her learner's permit.

I really just can't believe after all we've been through with Farrah that she actually went through with the operation. Although I have always found her to be the most self-absorbed of the Moms, I sort of thought we made progress with the therapy sessions and the family drama to the point that she had the potential for being a real person. Instead, I am just more convinced than ever that people should be required to pass some sort of test before they procreate.

I think that's enough brain cell killing for now. I'm going to sleep and reboot. Tomorrow? Watch out, Bookout. It's all about Miss Maci... of course, Beehhhnt-laaaaay.

Stay Scandalous!

~L

You Want a Piece of Glee: Possible Britney Episode of the Hit Fox Musical

Recently, Britney Spears' manager (is that the guy that is also her boyfriend, or is this another one of her people/handlers/babysitters?) asked fans via Twitter if they would like to see an entire episode of Glee devoted to the musical styling of our beloved pop princess. Immediately, the topic #BritneySpearsGlee gained the kind of momentum that is usually reserved for... well, an episode of Glee itself.

After watching the "Power of Madonna" episode, I have to admit that the thought of all the Gleeks performing a rousing cover of Baby One More Time instantly entered my mind (it would be totally perfect- you know how they love singing and dancing down the hallway, plus Rachel Barry has enough plaid mini skirts to outfit the entire cast). I think Britney seems like a good choice because like Madonna, Brit's catalogue of music is pretty extensive and she has some memorable performances that are just begging to be recreated (four words= Kurt. Sequined. Nude. Bodysuit.)

But the more I thought about, the more that it seemed like this could possibly be a Jump the Shark situation. Glee opened the second half of the season with an episode devoted just the word "hello," then aired the Power of Madonna, and details about an upcoming Lady Gaga show are slowly being released (Idina Menzel and Lea Michele singing an acoustic version of Poker Face? Chris Colfer performing in 10 inch silver heels to Bad Romance?). It just makes me a little apprehensive about the future of our beloved Glee. How many more themed episodes can they do before she show turns into an American Idol rip off?

Other than the fact that AI has somehow exhausted through the talent pool in this country, which is extremely apparent this year, as it seems vocal talent was left off the "required skills" list; one of the things I find most irritating about this show (other than the fact this it's responsible for the tumor that is Ryan Seacrest) is the obscene amount of theme nights. Once they got to "Songs of the 1940's," I was two steps out the door.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy has also recently said that he would like to do other "tribute" episodes, such as Led Zeppelin and Courtney Love. Really?! Courtney Love? I can't name one Courtney Love song, let alone enough for an entire episode.

I also have a problem with Britney's manager trying to gain momentum for this proposal via Twitter. I know that Twitter is now a thread woven into the fabric of our everyday lives, but since when are we able to control the future of our television shows because we tweeted that we want to see Emma perform "Toxic" in an inspiring musical number where she confronts her O.C.D.? No one should be surprised that people responded favorably to his post. Can we take a moment to asks ourselves who are the people that are following Britney's manager on Twitter? The same people that make videos of themselves crying off their eyeliner under a sheet, defending her life choices while professing their unconditional love.

Listen, I love Glee, and when she's showered, medicated and auto-tuned I love me some Britney too. I just am weary for the future of both of these pop culture gems. They're both in fragile states- Glee, as popular as it is, it's the television equivalent of a fetus, and it's only begun its second trimester. And Britney- poor girl managed to put on a world tour but still can't remember to put on a bra when she hits up Starbucks. She could crack at any moment, and I would hate for Glee theme week overkill to knock her off the wagon.

The Big (Pre)Show

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Just like popping champagne on New Years marks the end of the holiday season (and the beginning of so much more), the Academy Awards are the ultimate culmination of the best of the best. So much preparation, talent and craft go into this one day, where careers can begin and end in the matter of an evening. Oh you thought I was talking about the films?

Hells no! This is all about the duds. How many people have actually seen more than one best picture nominee prior to the Oscars?

That's not why we tune in! It's all about the glitz, the glamour. So without further ado, here are the winners...and the losers. According to me. Because before those envelopes are opened, I am the Academy.


Miley Cyrus: Wrong again! It's like the only thing she knows how to do is be age-inappropriate. From her boyfriends to her ensembles, this girl is living well beyond her 16 years. That dress would have worked so much better on a Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz. Someone older, taller and uh, classier?!

Vanessa Hudgens: Now anyone who knows me knows that I do not live in fear of feathers (a favorite headband accessory). But that dress looks like Big Bird's evil twin after it got caught in shredder. Oh, and can you get your boyfriend to trim off the scraggles on the back of his hair? I'm all for the slicked back look for a formal evening, but it's all about maintenance. Even you, boys.

Amy Adams: Ooo. Red on Red? Statement necklaces are all the rage, but this is too much. I swear, from far away, that top gave off a flannel look. Oh Amy. Tsk tsk. Last I checked, the LL Bean catalogue doesn't carry formal wear.

Jennifer Grey: Who gives a crap about Jennifer Grey? It's 2009.

Freida Pinto: So close to getting it right! The fit of her dress is perfection (definite improvement from the mustard thing at the Globes), but I think my great aunt wants her curtains back. And her her hair style. Glad to see a color other than black, though. Her face is so beautiful it almost makes up for the whole thing. Almost.

Melissa Leo: When did it become okay to match your dress to your hair color? Amy Adams- I'm talking to you too. One other thing- who the hell is Melissa Leo?

Taraji P. Henson: Love, love, love the necklace. I'm seeing stars- literally. The dress is okay. We've seen her in white already, yawn. I never liked the layered gown look. I swear I was the only person that wasn't a fan of the champagne mess that Penelope Cruz wore a few years back, but it just reminds me of fish scales. Also, note to self- when pulling up dress on the red carpet, you should never go so high that we see your Spanx.

Heidi Klum: I know that we're going green, but did she have to recycle her dress from last year? Did she leave her high-neck Galliano gown on the bottom of what I can imagine is a fabulous closet? Ugh and the coral jewelry? Ick ick ick. Also. flat hair is never fabulous. *Brownie points for supporting the Red Dress campaign.

Viola Davis: Can Reem Acra dress everyone for every awards show all season? Every dress is different and every dress is gorgeous. Davis' makeup is flawless. This is what Beyonce should aspire to look like a award shows.

Marisa Tomei: Finally a good dress! But girl needs to accessorize with a sandwich. She looks like she's been furiously chugging cayenne pepper and maple syrup between the Globes and now. Love the geometric dress- very LeAnn from Project Runway.

Amanda Seyfriend: Hair- fabulous. Very Veronica Lake. But why, oh why did you deprive some high school theatre department of that 80's prom gown?

Sarah Jessica Parker: GORG GORG GORG! She floats. Perfection from top to bottom. Miley Cyrus wishes she even a sliver of a younger version of you. Now what can we do about your date?

Anne Hathaway: I am a sucker for a gorgeous hair pin. But even though it shimmers and sparkles (always a great accessory for a girl) I'm still yawning a little. Definitely lacking in the shape department. Let's hoist the girls, shall we?

Melissa George: Not sure why you're there. Last I checked, getting booted from Grey's wasn't any reason to be invited to the Academy freaking Awards, but one word: hairspray. A wispy on the red carpet?! For shame.

Robert Downey Jr: Um did someone just get a chemical peel? A little nip and or tuck? Seriously, if that's what a life of hard partying and multiple trips to the slammer will get you, well then I confess. It was me that tried to illegally videotape Sex and the City! Lock me up, please!

Natalie Portman: Who did her makeup, the Olly Girls? Let's take the Mystic down a notch. But finally, a glimmer of hope! A pink appearance on the red carpet. My heart flutters.

Beyonce: It's time to get a lock on that closet, Miss Ross.

Mickey Rourke: I don't care what everyone says. Just because you're Mickey Rourke doesn't mean you can get away with this stuff. Maybe at any other award show, but show some respect! This is the Academy.

Jessica Biel: Get off the phone and brush your hair.

Meryl Streep: Neck up- gorgeous! Her hair has never looked better. But the color of her dress? Foccacta. Boring.

Evan Rachel Wood: The shocking red hair has to go. The curl in the front is pretty, but that bun needs a heaping help of extensions. And you're no Angelina- I don't want to see your
tattoos in your evening gown.

Angelina Jolie: Finally! I knew there was a movie star in there somewhere. Am I disappointed in the black? A little. But at least she has ferosh hair. And a smile!

Penelope Cruz: Bangs. No.

Marion Cotillard: I already forgot who you were, but unfortunately, I can't get that sequined mess out of my head. Please go away.

Kate Winslet: Hair is perfection. The dress looks amazing on her, but I was really hoping that she would wear something other than black or blue tonight. So of course, she wears both! But hey, it's all about the fit. If I look half that good in ten years, I'll take it.


Whew! What a night- and it's only 9 pm.

I'm back...well, I will be. In a minute.

I have returned!

Unfortunately, I'm so uninspired right now that I am boring myself practically to sleep. Now maybe it's the Vicodin talking (no I am not getting in touch with my inner starlet- I had my wisdom teeth out on Thursday), but I am trying to pull myself out of my never-ending state of blah-ness, but it's just not happening. 

Like so many other projects I've begun and ultimately have been disappointed in, this is not what I had hoped for with this blog. I figured since it wasn't required and there were no due dates or deadlines, it would be something that I would be dying to work on. In my whimsical blogging daydream, I would bounce through the front door from another hectic day and sit down at my computer, amazingly refreshed at the thought of letting loose all of my gripping thoughts that had been swimming around in my head all day, just waiting for a creative outlet. 

Instead, I continued my disappointing but not surprising behavior- thinking about all the things I planned on doing without executing any of them. Between starting my new (sort of) grown up job (with benefits- what what?!) and moving into the apartment, certain things have fallen by the wayside. Hopefully someone out there is disappointed, but if not, it's okay- because no one is more disappointed than me.

So yeah, it's almost March. In spite of that, I am challenging myself follow some new resolutions. In case you can't tell, this is one of them. A big one. Because those celebutantes aren't going to mock themselves.

Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Woman-izer

Like so many other 23 year-olds with nothing to do at 10 p.m. on a Friday night, I tuned into ABC News to see the premiere of Britney Spears' new video for "Womanzier," which is currently one of my fave songs of the moment. Since I completely forgot about it until I saw it mentioned in someone's status on Facebook (thanks Ezra!). I was giddy to discover that although I flipped to Channel 5 at 10:52, I hadn't missed it. Apparently, ABC follows the typical evening news show format where they advertise a segment for a week and then make you wait until the last 10 minutes of the show to actually see it. 

So what's my verdict? Like many other performances I've observed of Britney's in the past year, I'd have to say...eh. 

You've heard it from everyone else, and I'll admit it too- I am totally rooting for her. No one does getting ready for a party songs like Brit, and nothing inspires me to work out more (or at least, seriously think about it) than watching Britney videos, circa 2001. I still whip out my "In the Zone" publicity tour DVD and wish that I could have even a sliver of that kind of natural rhythmic ability.

Obviously, Britney has moved past the whole head-shaving, custody battling, paparazzi dating persona she's fallen into within the past few years. But have we? Ever since her tearful interview with Matt Lauer a few years ago (the one where she was pregnant with Jayden James and had obviously gotten into a fight with her makeup artist that day), every time I've see her since, I have the same reaction- a slight cringe, followed by a sad "aww."

Sure, she looks a bazillion times better than she did during 2007-2008. We'll refer to this as the "Blackout" period, and I'm not referring to her album that was released during that time. Yes, she's won a few MTV awards (why? still not quite sure, because the video "Piece of Me" felt like a giant "Piece of Crap"), which is something she never even achieved during her almost decade of trophy deserving performances, which only reaffirms MTV and its complete and utter failure to represent the music community correctly. Her body has improved exponentially, as it seems her enablers... I mean staff must have gotten her some kind of Starbuck patch to slowly ween her off what I can only imagine was not the worst of her vices. Sure, she's not nude-bodysuit-covered-in-sparkles kind of shape, but you have to give the 26 year old mother of two some credit. 

Needless to say, despite the improvements she has made, there is something about her that doesn't seem to be there anymore. Britney is still not an amazing voacalist, but she never really needed to be. She is (was?) an entertainer! This girl made hundreds of millions of dollars selling out concerts, hawking products, and appearing semi-nude on practically every magazine cover from 1998-2006. When was singing ever a necessary variable in the equation? So what if she represented everything that was going wrong with the music industry- she was the ultimate Lolita/girl next door hybrid, and I loved every second of it! Don't scoff at me. You felt it too. 

So where did it go? Like I've felt so many times this year, from the How I Met Your Mother guest appearances to the opening skit of the MTV Awards, she seems like she is half committed, and half bored out of her mind. It makes me sad to watch, because I can't help but feel that Larry Rudolph is standing in the background, coaxing her through her lines and dance moves while assuring her it's almost over. 

It doesn't help that the video for "Womanizer" is a total rip off of "Toxic," which happens to be one of my favorite Britney songs EVER. The two both feature Brit as some sort of master of disguises (a blonde, brunette and a redhead- genius!) who jumps in and out of scenes, straddling some hunk in a suit. In the other parts of the video, she stars as- ta da!- a naked version of herself, while strategically covering her girly bits. The only difference is that she replaced the "Toxic" rhinestones with a sauna, which apparently gave her fresh extentions a dingy film and two inches of brown roots. 

What kills me is that most of her dancing, which is basically what got her to where she is and sort of made it all okay that she didn't ever sing live, seems to have slipped out of her range of abilities. When she bombed the VMA's last year, it didn't take a Nobel prize winner to crack the case of how she forgot all her moves. If you wanted Britney 2007 to perform or speak coherently, why would you ever hold your event in Las Vegas?! Cut to a year later, after watching her stroll in and out of dance studios, sneaking peeks at "leaked" videos of top secret rehearsals, and "Womanizer" does not showcase a single Britney move that made me think "she's baaaaaack" (cue creepy Poltergeist child). She's not back, she's just there. 

I've said it before, and I mean it now more than ever. Britney please- just go home. Let us enjoy the memory of your kickass concerts, killer abs and adorable product placements (Pepsi! For those who think young *wink*). We won't forget you. There's this thing now called YouTube, and it doesn't let us forget anything. You can make your perfumes and eat at the Ivy every once in a while (when you look and feel your most fabulous, of course). But most importantly, focus on raising Small Fry and Tater Tot. They're still at the age where they may not remember any of this. And treat yourself to that mocha latte with the whipped cream and chocolate drizzle, only sparingly of course. you've earned it.