Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Big (Pre)Show

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Just like popping champagne on New Years marks the end of the holiday season (and the beginning of so much more), the Academy Awards are the ultimate culmination of the best of the best. So much preparation, talent and craft go into this one day, where careers can begin and end in the matter of an evening. Oh you thought I was talking about the films?

Hells no! This is all about the duds. How many people have actually seen more than one best picture nominee prior to the Oscars?

That's not why we tune in! It's all about the glitz, the glamour. So without further ado, here are the winners...and the losers. According to me. Because before those envelopes are opened, I am the Academy.

Miley Cyrus: Wrong again! It's like the only thing she knows how to do is be age-inappropriate. From her boyfriends to her ensembles, this girl is living well beyond her 16 years. That dress would have worked so much better on a Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz. Someone older, taller and uh, classier?!

Vanessa Hudgens: Now anyone who knows me knows that I do not live in fear of feathers (a favorite headband accessory). But that dress looks like Big Bird's evil twin after it got caught in shredder. Oh, and can you get your boyfriend to trim off the scraggles on the back of his hair? I'm all for the slicked back look for a formal evening, but it's all about maintenance. Even you, boys.

Amy Adams: Ooo. Red on Red? Statement necklaces are all the rage, but this is too much. I swear, from far away, that top gave off a flannel look. Oh Amy. Tsk tsk. Last I checked, the LL Bean catalogue doesn't carry formal wear.

Jennifer Grey: Who gives a crap about Jennifer Grey? It's 2009.

Freida Pinto: So close to getting it right! The fit of her dress is perfection (definite improvement from the mustard thing at the Globes), but I think my great aunt wants her curtains back. And her her hair style. Glad to see a color other than black, though. Her face is so beautiful it almost makes up for the whole thing. Almost.

Melissa Leo: When did it become okay to match your dress to your hair color? Amy Adams- I'm talking to you too. One other thing- who the hell is Melissa Leo?

Taraji P. Henson: Love, love, love the necklace. I'm seeing stars- literally. The dress is okay. We've seen her in white already, yawn. I never liked the layered gown look. I swear I was the only person that wasn't a fan of the champagne mess that Penelope Cruz wore a few years back, but it just reminds me of fish scales. Also, note to self- when pulling up dress on the red carpet, you should never go so high that we see your Spanx.

Heidi Klum: I know that we're going green, but did she have to recycle her dress from last year? Did she leave her high-neck Galliano gown on the bottom of what I can imagine is a fabulous closet? Ugh and the coral jewelry? Ick ick ick. Also. flat hair is never fabulous. *Brownie points for supporting the Red Dress campaign.

Viola Davis: Can Reem Acra dress everyone for every awards show all season? Every dress is different and every dress is gorgeous. Davis' makeup is flawless. This is what Beyonce should aspire to look like a award shows.

Marisa Tomei: Finally a good dress! But girl needs to accessorize with a sandwich. She looks like she's been furiously chugging cayenne pepper and maple syrup between the Globes and now. Love the geometric dress- very LeAnn from Project Runway.

Amanda Seyfriend: Hair- fabulous. Very Veronica Lake. But why, oh why did you deprive some high school theatre department of that 80's prom gown?

Sarah Jessica Parker: GORG GORG GORG! She floats. Perfection from top to bottom. Miley Cyrus wishes she even a sliver of a younger version of you. Now what can we do about your date?

Anne Hathaway: I am a sucker for a gorgeous hair pin. But even though it shimmers and sparkles (always a great accessory for a girl) I'm still yawning a little. Definitely lacking in the shape department. Let's hoist the girls, shall we?

Melissa George: Not sure why you're there. Last I checked, getting booted from Grey's wasn't any reason to be invited to the Academy freaking Awards, but one word: hairspray. A wispy on the red carpet?! For shame.

Robert Downey Jr: Um did someone just get a chemical peel? A little nip and or tuck? Seriously, if that's what a life of hard partying and multiple trips to the slammer will get you, well then I confess. It was me that tried to illegally videotape Sex and the City! Lock me up, please!

Natalie Portman: Who did her makeup, the Olly Girls? Let's take the Mystic down a notch. But finally, a glimmer of hope! A pink appearance on the red carpet. My heart flutters.

Beyonce: It's time to get a lock on that closet, Miss Ross.

Mickey Rourke: I don't care what everyone says. Just because you're Mickey Rourke doesn't mean you can get away with this stuff. Maybe at any other award show, but show some respect! This is the Academy.

Jessica Biel: Get off the phone and brush your hair.

Meryl Streep: Neck up- gorgeous! Her hair has never looked better. But the color of her dress? Foccacta. Boring.

Evan Rachel Wood: The shocking red hair has to go. The curl in the front is pretty, but that bun needs a heaping help of extensions. And you're no Angelina- I don't want to see your
tattoos in your evening gown.

Angelina Jolie: Finally! I knew there was a movie star in there somewhere. Am I disappointed in the black? A little. But at least she has ferosh hair. And a smile!

Penelope Cruz: Bangs. No.

Marion Cotillard: I already forgot who you were, but unfortunately, I can't get that sequined mess out of my head. Please go away.

Kate Winslet: Hair is perfection. The dress looks amazing on her, but I was really hoping that she would wear something other than black or blue tonight. So of course, she wears both! But hey, it's all about the fit. If I look half that good in ten years, I'll take it.

Whew! What a night- and it's only 9 pm.

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