Wednesday, July 6, 2011

You Make Me Feel Like I'm Living A Teenage Nightmare

As much as it kills me to admit this as an (almost) 26 year old, college educated and relatively intelligent woman, I am a little obsessed with 16 and Pregnant and downright possessed by it's illegitimate spawn, Teen Mom.

I know that MTV has served us heaping piles of crap over the years like Next, Dismissed, Boiling Point and My Super Sweet Sixteen (there are so many more quality-free titles I could mention, but we'd be here all night). But for as many shows that they have produced that have made politicians and parents alike fret over the youth of America heading deeper into a downward spiral, there have been a few that have made a severe impact on pop culture (Jersey Shore, anyone?) and even stood to educate us a little bit about our fellow man in ways we did not think possible by the same network that brought us Beavis and Butthead.

Although there have been significant less successes than failures as far as informing teenagers and young adults about topics outside of video making and spring breaking, programs like True Life and the original seasons of Real World actually let people witness worlds they would never have encountered otherwise.

So that was my brief history of my feelings towards MTV. Now, let's get to the moms.

I have to admit I was a little behind on the 16&P Express. I didn't start watching until halfway through the first season, and despite MTV's affinity for reruns and life-sucking marathons, I still to this day have not seen Farrah or Catelynn's original episodes that began their stories that I am now so enamored with.

Like Jersey Shore, my initial fascination was that I had virtually nothing in common with these people. Nobody wants to watch themselves on TV (well, except maybe anyone on an MTV reality show, but that is besides the point). I'm guessing the Nielsen Ratings for a show about an awkward theater geek with an unbalanced haircut (that she referred to as "layers") and scoliosis would be slim to none. At the age that these girls were letting high school boys get to third base and eventually sliding into home (ew) I hadn't even had my first kiss. So needless to say, there is something almost gratifying about watching this show and knowing I will never be one of those girls with a bastard child now that I am a married lady (I apologize for both the use of "bastard child" and "married lady." Clearly we can see why there was never a risk of me being 16 and Pregnant).

While I always enjoy program that raise my self esteem while lowering my IQ, the first season of the 16&P spinoff Teen Mom fascinated me because of an element that is lacking from most reality shows- you got to see these girls beyond their 60 minute special that you thought was going to be a one time deal. I always wondered if those hoarders on Mission Organization went back to living in what appeared to be a landfill, or if the women on What Not To Wear couldn't stay away from velour track suits and scrunchies. With Teen Mom, so many burning questions about the status of Farrah, Maci, Catelynn and Amber were answered, while ironically, the other few girls featured on the first season of 16&P were never heard from again.

Tonight I returned from my annual Fourth of July trek to Portland, giddy with delight knowing that at home there was a.) no husband to hog TV and b.) a brand new hour of the Season 3 premiere of Teen Mom. After showering off layers of SPF 55, sand, and margarita salt, I snuggled up on my sectional where I could choose WHICHEVER SECTION TO SIT ON THAT I WANTED and prepared to enjoy one of many on my growing list of guilty pleasures (I'm convinced at this point that my list of guilty pleasures is starting to outweigh just regular, un-embarrassing pleasures).

I don't know if anyone else shares my sentiment here, but I was so thoroughly disappointed in the current status of the Moms that I almost cried in my favorite guilty pleasure snack- half a bag of shredded mozzarella cheese.

Let's start with Farrah, the biggest disaster of all, which is saying a lot considering that she shares a show with Amber (who we will get to in a bit). Farrah began her segment by once again reminding us of her deceased baby daddy and some footage of adorable Sofia looking forlorn and reminding me of that baby bird in "Are You My Mother?" We find out that Farrah has been very busy during the hiatus, as she is working, going to culinary school, "modeling," and oh yeah, raising her baby which she apparently just realized was a full time job.

One may have started to feel bad for Farrah after she recapped her frayed relationship with her parents and her inability to find closure for Sofia's dad and the fact that he would never know his daughter. I almost felt a twinge in my cold reality tv heart, until Farrah also informed us that the latest conundrum is her already stressful life was that she was struggling with whether or not to get a boob job, and even more difficult- how to pay for it! What's a girl to do? Don't you hate it when you accidentally get pregnant as a teenager and then your boobs get all weird and then you like can't afford to get them fixed because that baby thing is always crying and you have to spend all your boob money on like, jars of strained peas and stuff? Ugh, that is the worst.

In what appears to be a result of heavy sedation (seriously, the droopiness has to go), Farrah's mother only slightly disagreed with her decision, but not enough to raise her voice or show any emotion about it. And didn't you feel like she got some sort of satisfaction about asking Farrah to draw up that will "just in case?" There was a slight twinkle in her eye when she mentioned that something could happen to Farrah while going under the knife and Sofia would finally be hers, just like she basically was all along!

After listening to three people reject Farrah for her "breast augmentation loan," which I was horrified to hear was a category on the menu for the automated phone service she was trying to get through to, someone (cough, cough MTV) deemed her a viable candidate for the extra cash that she claimed wasn't being taken away from her baby to finally fix those terrible ta tas she been carrying around for these past 2 years. Whew. Crisis averted. Not only would Farrah finally feel good about herself, but this could also help her "modeling" career, which is really an investment in her and Sofia's future anyway, so if you think about it, this was like the best idea ever! Oh and by the way, she can't walk, carry or feed her baby while she's recovering so someone better check Michael's schedule and make sure he is wide open.

After her loving father (I mean Michael!) picked her up and attempted to carry her into her bed and load her up with frozen vegetables and whatever a "hot pad" is (I'm guessing it's a heating pad, but c'mon), Sofia was only minorly abandoned in this episode as Michael left her at the bottom of the stairs and commanded her to "stay!" Well-trained, Sofia. The kid has already burned herself with hot water and fallen off a queen-sized bed so she's pretty much learned her lesson than to let one of these winners in the Abraham family take care of her. Next week, she will have learned to change her own diaper and is going to be working on her learner's permit.

I really just can't believe after all we've been through with Farrah that she actually went through with the operation. Although I have always found her to be the most self-absorbed of the Moms, I sort of thought we made progress with the therapy sessions and the family drama to the point that she had the potential for being a real person. Instead, I am just more convinced than ever that people should be required to pass some sort of test before they procreate.

I think that's enough brain cell killing for now. I'm going to sleep and reboot. Tomorrow? Watch out, Bookout. It's all about Miss Maci... of course, Beehhhnt-laaaaay.

Stay Scandalous!


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