Saturday, January 19, 2013

It's Solid Gold, Baby

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

No, not that! Christmas is over, you fools (thank God. I can walk around my apartment again). 


I have literally been giddy with excitement over this. I know that's not unusual for me, but I don't know, something was different this year. First of all, I was in the same country as the Golden Globes, unlike last year, when I was trying not to lose appendages due to frostbite in Canada... I mean I was celebrating my one year anniversary. Second, I planned better. I make my schedule at work sometimes two months in advance, and don't always know off the top of my head what exact days the awards are. This year I put it in my phone, set alarms- I was set. Third, I had a visitor. Yes, I watched the awards with someone other than myself. Willingly.

I have written before about my desire to only watch award shows by myself. And no, it's not because people don't want to watch them with me (no matter what Steve says). It's because every time I watch something important with other people in the room, they talk. Then I talk, then I miss things, and then I lose out on fodder for my incessant award show night Facebook posts. As much as I love throwing parties, the idea of throwing an award show party makes me want to cry. I just want to be left alone. 

However this year I decided to be less of a frigid bitch and invite my old roommate Liz over. Liz and I lived together in Cambridge in a "swinging singles" apartment as my mother called it (despite the fact that both of us were in relationships) before I moved in with a boy. Liz has recently moved to the a mere twenty minutes away to the suburbs (mwhahahaha) and is now one of us. Like she has a car and everything! Yet we've only seen each other like three times since the move. We're busy people. 

There were snacks. 

for those of you not in the know, liz & i survived on only chips &
salsa for almost two years.

There were ballots. 

bills, bills, bills.

There was wine (only for me, because Liz was being "healthy" and "cleansing" or something). We started watching preshow coverage at 5:00 and didn't stop until the show ended at 11:00. I even made food stuff. Okay, Steve prepared it but I assembled it. 

mini caprese/bruschetta thing. oh you fancy, huh?

It was almost like we still lived together. Liz brought nail polish and her computer and Steve disappeared, so it was like the boys in our lives didn't even exist. I mean, we missed them very much. Luckily football was on too so I don't know if they noticed that we weren't there. Sometimes, you just need your girls, you know?

And speaking of girls, can we talk about what the ladies were wearing that night? 

Of course, I had my favorites:

claire danes, kate hudson & jessica alba

I thought that these three exemplified red carpet glamour/how famous people should dress for an award show. Claire Danes looked amazing a mere one month after giving birth. Okay, well obviously she looks amazing because she's famous and it's a heck of a lot easier when you're famous, but still, I give the girl some credit. Although I did cringe a little when she mentioned her fear of "leaking" on the carpet. Girl, you're in Versace. Can we not discuss what may or may not be coming out of your nipples? I will subtract points however for over application of her eye makeup. I felt like it made her look more tired and old, but she does have a newborn, so I'm going to let this one go a bit. 

I think Kate Hudson was my hands down absolute favorite of the evening. I mean she took things that shouldn't be that exciting on the red carpet (black, sleeves, straight hair- one of my personal pet peeves at a formal event) and it all just worked. I mean it helps when you have that body, but damn, that dress was just made for her. I loved the sparkle at the neck- it made it a little more grown up (we'll call it the Downton Abbey effect) but the non-cleavage boob exposure keeps it from being boring. I love love loved this. 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Jessica Alba had no business being there, but I'm glad that she was because I loved her entire ensemble. Not many people look good in salmon, but I thought between the dress and the jewelry she just looked like a real movie star. Which reminded me that I couldn't tell you the last movie she was even in. At first I was kind of horrified by the purse, but her Muppet clutch started to grow on me. I love fun bags and if you're not worried about actually winning an award or anything, why the hell not? I do wish her hair was a little darker because I think her ombre is starting to blend in with her skin, and I wanted her to have a little more definition. Plus I still think that ombre is a trendy way to say "I was too lazy to get my roots done."

amy poehler, zooey deschanel, tina fey

I thought that host Amy Poehler looked awesome... from the waist up. I seriously love a woman in a sexy suit. Plus I like when people that you know are funny kind of mix it up and are like "whoooa bet you didn't know I could be sexy too." And then I saw her ankles and 90's style prom shoes (which probably cost $500, but I'm sorry- I swear I wore those to my sophomore semiformal) and it kind of killed it for me. She's kind of short and I wanted it to be like a fabulous super wide leg or something. Also a few years ago I was sort of obsessed with side buns for formal events and my best friend/hairstylist Ryan always tried to talk me out of them, claiming no matter what, you look like you have a growth coming out of the side of your head. I hate to say it about my girl Amy... but he was right. 

At first I really enjoyed Zooey Deschanel's look. I loved her cute little pony and pearls combo. Red is one of my favorite formal colors because it's always so dramatic and you don't clash against the carpet! Upon a further look, I decided I really don't like this shiny taffeta-esque fabric. It turns it tableclothy. And why does she insist on always doing this not quite enough coverage tiny boob cup thing? I was just waiting for a nip slip in that floaty blue princess dress she wore to the Emmys last year, and I feel like she just keeps repeating that same shape. 

And Tina Fey. I mean, if they gave a most improved award, this girl would get it, with honors. I normally don't like anything less than a full length gown for such a big event, but I thought it was appropriate because she was co-hosting and only did a quick run across the carpet. I thought this shape worked really well on her, but everything else she wore that night looked amazing too, because damn is she skinny all of a sudden! As long as she doesn't shrink any smaller than this I'm okay with it. Don't scare me girl- we don't want any Mischa Barton arms up in here. 

kerry washington, jennifer garner, jodie foster, sofia veragara

I LOVE GLITTER. And sparkle, and bling, and whatever the hell you want to call it, as long as it's shiny and in bulk. I always think it's appropriate for the red carpet and I hate when people try to go all "safe" and "simple" because that's not what any of this is about. I loved the concept of Kerry Washington's airy nude gown, but not the execution. The short lining with the short hem and a close toed nude shoe? I thought the combination of those elements aged her like twenty years. And I could have done without those super blunt bangs. Blech I just hate those. I felt like the was trying to be edgy from the neck up to balance out the old ladyness that was happening south of her waistline. I guess she is just so beautiful that nothing looks truly bad on her, but I just wanted to turn her into a Project Runway challenge where they rip of what you're wearing and turn it into what it was meant to be. 

I thought Jennifer Garner looked good as a date-of-a-nominee-who-hasn't-walked-on-a-red-carpet-with-her-significant-other-since-2007 could look. It had my favorite things- red, sparkles, a waistline, but I didn't fall of my couch or anything over it.

I didn't really know what to think of Jodie Foster, other than the fact that she looked kind of like she was wearing a suit of armor, which probably explains why she looks uncomfortable, although in retrospect that could have been because of something else (obviously, being seated with Mel Gibson). I do think she is very pretty, but her haircut is so severe that I'm scared she's going to start yelling at me in German or something. I think some loose extensions could have changed this look entirely, and for the better. 

Sofia Vergara is one of those that nothing ever looks bad on her. She is a self appointed Sparkle Queen, and while I'm glad she lost the Miss Universe looks she's been sporting for the past few years, I don't know if there's anything else out there that exists that she could wear that would look any different. I feel like she went a little demure with the black, but why does the dress need ruching that provides no purpose except for a clear marker for where her vagina is?

olivia munn, jennifer lawrence, rosario dawson

Is it just me, or is Olivia Munn working like a Kate Middleton rip-off look without the bouncy hair? I think it's the way she's standing. I feel so indifferent about this ensemble. I don't despise it, but I don't think I really like it either. From the turquoise stones to the jeweled choker, the fitted black skirt to the oversized silver clutch, this look again just screams 90's to me.

Jennifer Lawrence is like inches away from being a best dressed for me. I like the color (but wish it was a tad less orange), I like the belt (but could use less trumpet on the skirt), but the straw that broke the camel's back for me are THOSE STUPID CUPS. Seriously- what are those? I mean I watch Say Yes to the Dress, so I know what a crumbcatcher is (although I still don't understand why anyone would want that word associated with something to do with their wedding) but unless she was using them to carry glasses of champagne at the afterparty, I see no purpose for this. 

I have to wonder what Rosario Dawson did to get on the list for this one, because like Alba, I'm pretty sure she hasn't been in anything worth nominating ever (unless I missed the cinematic contribution of Men In Black II). I do sort of like this dress- I think the color looks great on her and I like that the peplum is a little origami-esque. But this is like a business casual version of an award show gown. With the high neckline and pointy little sleeves, it's basically a full length version of a sheath dress! I didn't feel like it was quite appropriate. 

halle berry, marion cotillard, lena dunham, nicole kidman

Ugh. We're starting to get into my lukewarm territory. I don't know what Halle Berry was thinking when she showed up in this mess, because I certainly didn't get the memo about side midriffs being back. I sometimes think she shows up to things in certain outfits just to remind us all how crazy hot she looks in anything. 

Did anyone else find it ironic that Marion Cotillard was nominated for a movie about a whale trainer who loses her legs to Shamu or something and then shows up baring hers? No? Just me? Regardless, I hate this whole high/low thing. I do like the metal belt, but she wasn't starting any trends here- at least two other people were wearing that. I do like the color, but it's very Pantone Color of the Year 2012. And I'm sorry, no matter what, I will never find long straight hair with a middle part appropriate for something like this. It's the red carpet, not your eighth grade yearbook photo. 

Maybe Marion Cotillard should have borrowed Lena Dunham's wet suit gown for her role in Rust and Bone. I mean that thing could have stood up on it's own. And I don't know about you, but purpley brown was never a Crayola that I wished they would start producing. I just think it's too much fabric for her and all the lines are going weird directions. Also I would have appreciated a little sparkle headband or something. I mean she is working that pixie but she also looks like kind of a frumpy dump. Next. 

So is Nicole Kidman exclusively wearing studded dresses on the red carpet from now on? Did she like last year's look so much she just grabbed it in another color? I mean the only difference is instead of spaghetti straps it looks like she got shot with a confetti cannon. I'm bored with her.

So as you can see, we've just barely touched upon some of the atrocities that occurred on that frigid Los Angeles evening. Since we're getting a little lengthy up in here, I will be featuring all the lackluster ladies in a second post. So in case you didn't catch on, this last one was me being nice. See you soon.



  1. Thoughts on Lucy Liu? Seemed to be a love or hate look.

    1. Oh, just you wait. There's a reason that she did not make an appearance in the first post...