I wasn't going to talk about this.
But then this came out today:
So clearly, there are some things we need to discuss.
Let's just put it right out there- this has got to be the worst celebrity wedding magazine cover photo of all time.
There. I SAID IT.
To be fair, I may be slightly biased, because I sort of already hated them to begin with.
Okay, that sounds bad. Hate is bad. I don't know them or anything. Plus hatred implies that I feel that strongly towards them. I don't. Personally, I have always found them separately irritating and now super boring as a couple. I was never an N*Sync fan and I couldn't tell you one movie of hers that I have ever liked.
So when I found out these two were getting married this past weekend in Italy, I could have cared less. I mean sure, I devoted the appropriate amount of attention (a singular Facebook status) out of respect for the sanctimony that is a celebrity union, but it's not like I was holding my breath waiting for these pics or anything. And given the private (cough cough boring) nature of their courtship and engagement, I certainly never thought we'd see a Kardashian-sized spread in People of all places.
But enough about them. Can we please talk about this photo?
I'm having trouble gathering my thoughts about everything that is wrong with it. I think a formal list is in order:
1. The biggest elephant in the room. Or should I say bird. Or pterodactyl. What the eff is he doing? Here she is, on her wedding day, just lounging on the ground (?!?!?!) in her best Giambattista Valli, getting her bridal portrait done, and BAM! Girl looks like she's seconds away from getting her train squashed by the D*ck In a Box guy. In fact when I first saw this picture I thought it was an outtake from a Lonely Island video.
2. She looks like a cross between a doll and a robot. He looks like he's at a frat party. I find it hard to believe these two were at the same event, let alone agreeing to spend their foreseeable future as husband and wife. I'm all for fun wedding photos, but in order for this to work, both people need to be having the fun.
3. Dude, you're wrinkling your Tom Ford tux. TOM FORD. Show some manners.
4. You can't tell me that these two aren't big enough that they couldn't have forced People to hold off on the Sandusky victim for another week. Because nothing screams "I do" like a big fat expose on one of the grossest perverts of all time. And it's right next to her face. It's like a horribly placed thought bubble.
5. I'm sorry, but is anyone else dying over the Britney photo in the corner? Don't get me wrong- based on my previous opinions, I am actually sort of loving this. But if you were the new Mrs. Justin Timberlake, wouldn't you just die? That would be the only thing I would see. Again, like there was no other spot for a Britney photo other than on eye level with JT. These two are the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston of the pop music world. I mean, Brad Pitt has six children with another woman and Jen is engaged and still, no one can just let it go. And most of us will never get over these two either. I hope someone wakes Brit Brit up long enough for her to comprehend what has happened here and laugh. Even she's like, "y'all, what am I doing here?"
6. You're telling me that the chick with the man voice from Total Recall, The A Team, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Blade 17 or whatever wanted to wear bubblegum pink on her wedding day? No wonder she looks so out of place. Also, why are people still trying to make colored wedding dresses happen? We all know that there's really only one person that can get away with this look.