Mo Meatballs, Mo Problems

Sometimes, the gods just smile upon you and deliver you a story that makes the clouds part and the heavens open up and you just bask in the perfectness of it all. And sometimes, you're even home sick so that when you hear such news, you are in the perfect position to comment on said story as soon as possible.

SNOOKI IS PREGNANT.

Okay, so the be clear, I'm still not 100% confirmed on this. I first heard wind of this story this morning on my daily visit to Suri's Burn Book (which, if you haven't checked it out is an amazing blog that I'm so bitter I didn't think of first). But it said it was on Page Six, so I was like, eh, nothing to get excited over. Then this afternoon, I was dozing off after catching up on my DVR RHOC & PR All Stars (if you don't understand all those acronyms, we probably shouldn't be friends) and was awoken by a text from Alisa stating:

Snooki is pregnant. The world is ending. Totally legit- it's on people.com.

It was as if I had just chugged three Red Bulls and chased them with a Four Loko. Instantly I was scouring the Internet, looking for clues if it was true. Nothing on Perez, Us Weekly or Entertainment Weekly. But low and behold, there is was on People.com, but only quoting an article from the NY Post. And it wasn't even the top story! The order went like this:

- George Clooney doesn't care if people think he's gay (probably because he's always banging hot chicks)

- Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck name their son (Samuel, little surprised they didn't go for Matt Damon Affleck)

- Something about Revenge (I KNOW! I'm the only person IN THE WORLD that doesn't watch it, stop judging me)

- Davy Jones died (wow- only number 4?! that suuuuucks)

- Elizabeth Olsen dating Alexander Skakaaaarrssgaaard (who cares)

- Jennifer Lopez nipples (again?)

- THEN Snooki!

So that made me think that it also might not be true yet. Also, I follow Snooki on Twitter (again, judge free zone, please) and there has been no mention of said meatball baby, and this chick has a hard time keeping stuff to herself. They're saying she's three months along, but she was on GMA on February 2 saying that she is absolutely not pregnant, and people don't ever lie on TV so clearly she's telling the truth (I'm looking at you, Tori Spelling).

So whether or not this is true, I just had to imagine all the possibilities as if this was actually happening. First of all, WTF? Thanks universe, for allowing the one person to procreate that has single-handedly contributed to the downfall of society.

I'm just kidding. My life would be incomplete without Jersey Shore.

But seriously, what does this mean for a one Nicole Polizzi? First of all, she's a moron. And morons and babies don't mix. However, there are lots of stupid people in the world and clearly plenty of babies, so somehow they have managed to survive. Second, she is famous for getting drunk and falling down and just generally being a hot mess. She's only 25, she could definitely have milked that for at least a few more years (as she was planning on doing with her spinoff with J Woww). Thinking about Snooki being the way she is and saying the things she says... it's just kind of sad if you think that another person has to rely on her for anything, especially nutrition or emotional stability.

At the same time though, this could be a freaking GOLD MINE for her. I'm picture a whole new kind of spinoff. Decorating a nursery with only the finest leopard and zebra print. Deena and J Woww trying to throw a baby shower. Mike weaseling his way into the baptism just so he can be referred to as "The Godfather." There are so many places that this could go.

And how awesome would it be if that kid was actually Vinny's?!