Mo Meatballs, Mo Problems

Sometimes, the gods just smile upon you and deliver you a story that makes the clouds part and the heavens open up and you just bask in the perfectness of it all. And sometimes, you're even home sick so that when you hear such news, you are in the perfect position to comment on said story as soon as possible.

SNOOKI IS PREGNANT.

Okay, so the be clear, I'm still not 100% confirmed on this. I first heard wind of this story this morning on my daily visit to Suri's Burn Book (which, if you haven't checked it out is an amazing blog that I'm so bitter I didn't think of first). But it said it was on Page Six, so I was like, eh, nothing to get excited over. Then this afternoon, I was dozing off after catching up on my DVR RHOC & PR All Stars (if you don't understand all those acronyms, we probably shouldn't be friends) and was awoken by a text from Alisa stating:

Snooki is pregnant. The world is ending. Totally legit- it's on people.com.

It was as if I had just chugged three Red Bulls and chased them with a Four Loko. Instantly I was scouring the Internet, looking for clues if it was true. Nothing on Perez, Us Weekly or Entertainment Weekly. But low and behold, there is was on People.com, but only quoting an article from the NY Post. And it wasn't even the top story! The order went like this:

- George Clooney doesn't care if people think he's gay (probably because he's always banging hot chicks)

- Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck name their son (Samuel, little surprised they didn't go for Matt Damon Affleck)

- Something about Revenge (I KNOW! I'm the only person IN THE WORLD that doesn't watch it, stop judging me)

- Davy Jones died (wow- only number 4?! that suuuuucks)

- Elizabeth Olsen dating Alexander Skakaaaarrssgaaard (who cares)

- Jennifer Lopez nipples (again?)

- THEN Snooki!

So that made me think that it also might not be true yet. Also, I follow Snooki on Twitter (again, judge free zone, please) and there has been no mention of said meatball baby, and this chick has a hard time keeping stuff to herself. They're saying she's three months along, but she was on GMA on February 2 saying that she is absolutely not pregnant, and people don't ever lie on TV so clearly she's telling the truth (I'm looking at you, Tori Spelling).

So whether or not this is true, I just had to imagine all the possibilities as if this was actually happening. First of all, WTF? Thanks universe, for allowing the one person to procreate that has single-handedly contributed to the downfall of society.

I'm just kidding. My life would be incomplete without Jersey Shore.

But seriously, what does this mean for a one Nicole Polizzi? First of all, she's a moron. And morons and babies don't mix. However, there are lots of stupid people in the world and clearly plenty of babies, so somehow they have managed to survive. Second, she is famous for getting drunk and falling down and just generally being a hot mess. She's only 25, she could definitely have milked that for at least a few more years (as she was planning on doing with her spinoff with J Woww). Thinking about Snooki being the way she is and saying the things she says... it's just kind of sad if you think that another person has to rely on her for anything, especially nutrition or emotional stability.

At the same time though, this could be a freaking GOLD MINE for her. I'm picture a whole new kind of spinoff. Decorating a nursery with only the finest leopard and zebra print. Deena and J Woww trying to throw a baby shower. Mike weaseling his way into the baptism just so he can be referred to as "The Godfather." There are so many places that this could go.

And how awesome would it be if that kid was actually Vinny's?!

Beauty's Where You Find It

The Academy Awards are so huge, it clearly warrants two posts. You can read my original Oscar wrap up here. But we're here to talk about something more important that who won what or who shamelessly flashed their right leg. That's right, it's time for... FASHION! Prepare yourself.

As usual, I found myself either underwhelmed or perplexed by the majority of the gowns. Every award show basically is leading up to this point, and you have to save the best for last. I get that you want to dress to impress, but I still don't understand why anyone would choose to wear something boring or weird to such a prestigious show.

That being said, these were my absolute favorites:

l to r: michelle williams, tina fey, milla jovovich, emma stone

These four ladies to me personified what the evening is all about. The all look classy and respectful without being too safe. Each of them took some sort of fabulous risk in their own way. I am normally not the biggest fan of Michelle Williams (unless you count her days as Jen on Dawson's Creek) because I think she dresses like a 90 year old, but I absolutely loved this Louis Vuitton coral number. I am always so annoyed that more stars don't go for color, and to me, anything in the red family will never be out of style for an award show. Also, clearly she got the memo about peplum, which I've been seeing all over the blogosphere lately as the next big thing. The only thing I do not adore about this look is the pink clutch. I just don't get it. TIna Fey also got the memo about the peplum trend. While her dress itself is a little plain, I think it's a big step for her not to wear black, and I practically got up and applauded when I saw her working this high bun. High buns are my favorite. I'm also still confused why Milla Jovovich is at the Oscars, but she looked so damn good I'm willing to ignore the fact that she was in a bunch of sci fi movies that I don't care about. To me, her entire ensemble is the epitome of what an Academy Awards look should be. When you think "Oscar," you think Hollywood glamour, and what better way to honor that than with a throwback to old Hollywood? The hair and makeup is perfection, and her gown sparkles just enough that she doesn't look like a Vegas showgirl. It probably also helps that she used to be a model and knows how to pose like a pro. And last but not least, Emma Stone, who I think the entire world fell a little more in love with last night. I appreciate her wearing red, especially with her hair color. I love the large neck bow because I think you need to be a little dramatic with at least one thing you're wearing at a time. A lot of people are criticizing her for wearing something so similar to Nicole Kidman a few years back, but I love it and I think she looks a zillion times better than Nicole ever did. Especially since she can still move her forehead.

l to r: berenice bejo, missi pyle, kelly ripa

Another trend that has been predicted to take off is the color mint. There were a few variations of mint on the carpet, and I can't decide if I love any of them yet. I hate Berenice Bejo's gown with the color of her hair. That is just a clashfest I can't look past. I think Missi Pyle actually looks really good, but I her droopy shoulder makes me sad. One shoulder was also a huge trend on the red carpet, but if you're going to do it, I think it should be deliberate. It just looks like it wasn't tight enough and fell down. But a fun fact: her dress is eco-friendly. I don't remember exactly how- once she started talking about organic silkworms she sort of lost me, but cool concept. Kelly Ripa looked cute because she is perpetually adorable, but the double bands around the waist didn't do anything for me. I think it breaks up an otherwise very clean and classy dress. It reminds me of something that Tim Gunn would see on Project Runway before going into a speech about the importance of editing.

l to r: meryl streep, jennifer lopez, stacy kiebler

I am half okay, half not okay with what Meryl Streep is wearing. I think the color and texture of the dress are amazing, and it's like, you're going to the Oscars- why not dress up like the freaking statue?! I can't say that I wouldn't do the same thing. But I think there are too many folds and draping going on. I do like the sleeves on her, and it's a much better alternative compared to almost everything she has worn this season, but I think she needs a little bit of structure. It just looks like the fabric is melting off her, and I'm afraid if a strong gust of wind came along her dress would unravel and we would end up seeing her Iron Lady. Jennifer Lopez... well. I just don't know. Clearly she is gorgeous and her hair is AMAZING, but come on. She wears a different variation of this dress all the time. Also, I'm tired of almost seeing one of her boobs. Her stylist claims they made it impossible for her to have a wardrobe malfunction, but I maintain that when she was on stage I could see the makings of a nipple peeking out of that dress. When she wore that green dress to the Grammys all those years ago and everyone freaked out, that was daring. Now I'm just like listen, go home, put Max and Emme to bed and COVER UP A LITTLE BIT. We've seen this schtick before. Stacy Kiebler was the lucky girl chosen to hang on George Clooney's arm, and like all the others before her, suddenly she has become some kind of fashionista. Again, I think the color of this dress is totally appropriate if her goal was to look like a statue. And of course, her waist is teeny tiny so she can wear anything. But I absolutely HATE that rosette on her hip. Why do skinny girls keep doing this to themselves? It's like that one extra hip that Natalie Portman had at the Golden Globes. Like, did she look in the mirror and say, "hmm, this looks really good on me, but don't you think it would look even better if I added a little bulk around my hips?" NO WOMAN SAYS THAT. EVER. I guess it doesn't really matter, because a week from now she'll disappear and we will never hear her name again.

l to r: octavia spencer, viola davis, jessica chastain, penelope cruz

I feel like at every award show there are always at least a few dresses that I just don't care about. Or maybe I might care, but I'm not sure. I just can't make the commitment to say, "yes, I like this." Octavia Spencer was a shoe in for her Best Supporting Actress award, so clearly it was important to wow because she knew she would be photographed everywhere. But I wasn't wowed by this, mainly because I felt the color and cut were too similar to what she wore to the SAG awards. This is not a bad dress by any means, but I was just kind of bored with it. Viola Davis definitely wasn't boring in her GREEN dress, which I appreciate, because again, color, but if she was going to go with a gown this strong in color, couldn't she have done something about her hair? I'm not dissing her by any means for going au natural and arriving sans wig (which I never knew she wore), but the coppery color of her cropped 'do makes her look a little like a leprechaun. Also between the boobs and the ruffles at the bottom, I felt like I didn't know quite where I was supposed to look. When I saw Jessica Chastain, I immediately thought that was a Versace black and gold number and could even see Donatella wearing that in my head (okay, Maya Rudolph as Donatella, but whatever), but I was surprised to find out it was Alexander McQueen. I think I might like it but I also think it looks like she's wearing one of Donald Trumps curtains. And Penelope Cruz surprised me that she was even there, because I have to admit I really never wanted to see her on the red carpet again after she showed up last year in that Charo number. I think she looks pretty, definitely old glamour, but a little stuffy for her. I think something need to be loosened up a bit.

l to r: giuliana rancic, nancy o'dell, louise roe, maria menounos

How would we know anything about these looks if these ladies weren't asking the tough questions, like, "who are you wearing?" I personally love Giuliana Rancic, mainly because I want her to be my friend and then elect me someday to take over her job, and also because we are scoliosis twins (did you know she also has a rod in her back from surgery when she was a teen? TWINSIES!). She was originally wearing a similar dress during the pre pre pre show but it had these weird lines going up and down that looked like they were made out of zippers and pointing right at her boobs. I much preferred this number, although it was a little pageanty, I thought it looked like her shoulders were channeling the White Swan which I sort of loved. I wish her hair was slightly less severe, because she's very thin and angular already, and I wanted a little more volume to soften her up a bit. Nancy O'Dell's dress kind of hurts my eyes. I think I would love it if that black lace thing wasn't at the top, because that yellow is something fierce. The top is just ugh, it's like a grandma and a flamenco dancer all rolled into one. Louise Roe is British, which might explain the school marm feel of these sleeves, but I thought the origami pleats were amazing. Also, she seems like one of very few people that can pull off this kind of dull pink without looking like a pile of Silly Putty. Maria Menounos is rocking that kind of minty color again, but I'm so distracted by the amount of pleats I feel like I sort of can't see her anymore. The hair is good though, very good.

l to r: gwyneth palthrow, cameron diaz, shailene woodley, natalie portman

Ugh, Gwyneth Palthrow. Why does she have to ruin perfectly good outfits? I know that capes are in this year, but whatever is hanging off the back of her shoulders is not okay, which is terrible because she looks amazing otherwise. Oh wait, never mind. I just noticed her hair. A ponytail?! You choose to wear a ponytail, and not even a good ponytail like what Reese had last year, but a ponytail that is half way down your back like it just fell out a little more with every step you took. I don't exactly know why, but I hate what Cameron Diaz is wearing. She once wore one of my all time favorite award show gowns and then she shows up looking like this? I am just not following. Shailene Woodley has established by now that while she is a very talented young actress, she cannot dress herself. This dress looks like it was made for a woman 50 years her senior. If she wore her bun on the sides she would have looked like Princess Leia. SHE'S TWENTY. Also, once she started talking to Ryan Seacrest about becoming an "herbalist," she totally lost me. Natalie Portman physically looked stunning. I thought her hair, makeup, jewels- everything was working for her. But let's be real. You wore polka dots to the Oscars. This is not a Bat Mitzvah, or even a Sweet 16. It just seemed so inappropriate to me.

l to r: wendy mclendon-covey, rose byrne, melissa mccarthy, ellie kemper, kristen wiig, maya rudolph

The cast of Bridesmaids seems like a group of chicks that you want to hang out with. Do I want to raid any of their closets? Eh, not so much. I thought that Wendy McLendon-Covey looked like she was going to a prom, Rose Byrne needed a sandwich, Melissa McCarthy looked like the rust that forms around your shower drain, Ellie Kemper was channeling Katniss as the "girl who was on fire" (but wouldn't actually survive in the Hunger Games with her bangs hanging in her face like that), and Kristen Wiig once again wore that paper bag color that does the opposite of match her personality. The only one I really liked was Maya Rudolph. I thought the purple was unexpected as no one else was really wearing that color, and she sparkled in all the right places. And who would have guessed that she was styled by none other than Brad Goreski?!

l to r: angelina jolie, rooney mara

Weird. I didn't think anyone from Twilight was going to be invited this year.

Only Happy Endings, That's Our Recipe

Finally, we're here.

It's my favorite time of the year. It's like the excitement of my birthday and Christmas all rolled up into a nice little package with a big bow on it. It's like the Superbowl for women and gays worldwide.

Of course, I could only be talking about the Oscars.

I have been a fan of award shows for a long time now, probably since I was in early high school or so. I don't think I became obsessed with them though until I was in college, and I'm pretty sure there's 2 reasons for that:

1. Reese Witherspoon winning for Walk the Line

2. The invention of Facebook

After that, I was hooked. For life. While I find myself generally enamored with all things awards, the Oscars clearly are the biggest and most extravagant of them all, giving a whole new level of excitement to my usual daily celebrity infatuation. However, as much as I love this show, I only really enjoy it if I'm watching it by myself. I have been asked for years why I haven't ever had an Oscar party, and the truth is that while I like a good theme, I love the freedom to watch the show as selfishly as possible. Also I need absolute concentration in order to keep up my barrage of Facebook/Twitter updates.

I've been prepping for this all week. From organizing the pool at work to giving myself a glitzy mani in honor of the occasion, I was beyond ready when 8:30 EST rolled around.

i'd like to thank the academy... and opi

I even put on my very best casual wear. I mean, how hypocritical can you be to watch the most fashionable night of the year in ordinary sweats?

this shirt says "i'm fancy but comfortable"

My husband now finally understands the magnitude of such an occasion that he even made me an Oscar-worthy dinner. Suck on that, Wolfgang.

also he let me eat on the couch. now that's love.

Of course I started with the E! preshow around 2:00, suffering through such time fillers as an undergarment fashion show, a parading of Hollywood's "It" animal actors and Photoshopping actor's heads on runway looks trying to predict who was going to wear what. My main motivation for tuning in is that I love me some Ross Matthews.

At long last it was time for the actual preshow, you know, the one where there's like, actual celebrities on it. Of course the moment that everyone is talking about is when The Dictator's Sacha Baron Cohen poured the "ashes" of his good friend Kim Jong Il onto an unsuspecting Ryan Seacrest. Now I know that many found this to be in poor taste, but after my initial gasp, I sort of loved it because a.) I have always thought that Seacrest is a tool and b.) it was one of the very few spontaneous moments of an otherwise stuffy celebrity lovefest.

how could anyone not have seen this one coming?

While Seacrest clearly didn't get the joke, it was refreshing to see that there are still some people in Hollywood that know how to roll with the punches.

team fey, now and always

The red carpet was filled with it's usual mix of the biggest celebrities of all time and a couple of attendees that made you go "huh?" (Bo Derek? Lea Thompson? Sheila E? Seems like someone got a little loose with the invites this year!)

The biggest couple that everyone was waiting to see were clearly the Jolie-Pitt's. However, since they showed up at the last possible second there was almost no footage of them on the red carpet, which I think truly shows what huge assholes they both are. I get that they're not like a super showy couple and they're all about being appreciated for their "work" and protecting their privacy, but come on. Even if they avoided cameras every day the rest of the year, this should be the one day that they give back to the public a little bit, you know, the people that watch your movies?! Clearly Angie was trying to overcompensate for her complete inability to appear soft or likeable, as she had a smile like the Cheshire cat plastered on her red shellacked lips the entire night. They probably could have sent their wax figures from Madame Tussaud's in their place and we wouldn't have been able to tell the difference.

ugh that damn leg. we'll get to that later

Finally it was time for the show to start. In his usual fashion, host Billy Crystal started with a montage that involved him being a part of the Best Picture nominees. Deja vu? Absolutely, but at least he stuck with what works. That led into a song and dance number. Predictable, but you could have had a that monkey from the preshow up there and it would have been more entertaining that James Franco from last year.

Crystal continued his tried and true bits of witty (but not nasty) banter and the "What Are These Celebrities Thinking?" screenshots. While I felt like this was a show I had already seen (a few times), there's not denying that Crystal was clearly in his element. Was it the most exciting thing in the world? No, but I sort of looked at the whole thing with a "if it's not broke, don't fix it" attitude. That being said, I think it was important for him to steer the show back on track after last year's disaster, but it has the potential to get tired if they try to replicate this recipe every year from now on.

There were of course, a few magical moments. The Best In Show cast Wizard of Oz focus group. Octavia Spencer's emotional acceptance speech. Emma Stone pluckily towering over Ben Stiller. Anytime anyone from Bridesmaids was on screen ever. Even those freaks from Cirque de Soleil were kind of a fun addition to a telecast that otherwise would have had little to no performances on account of the lack of Original Song nominations.

The show was still highly predictable as always, but with a few twists here and there. The only award that I would consider an "upset" (as Hugo and The Artist winning a bazillion awards apiece came as a surprise to no one) was Meryl Streep winning for Best Actress over her former costar Viola Davis. I have to admit, I was sort of starting to doze off at this point (it was a LONG day and I was starting to feel a sinus infection coming on) and this shocked me right out of my semi slumber. Obviously, Streep is amazing in everything she does and already has 2 Oscars and 17 nominations to her name, but sometimes it's just like, isn't that enough? She is going to continue to make amazing movies probably until the day she dies, but the thing that made me kind of sad is that roles like Davis' in The Help only come along once in a great while. Despite the fact that it's two thousand freaking twelve, strong parts for African American actresses really are few and far between. And she had won so many awards for the role already and many critics had her picked as the favorite to win, and I was just slightly disappointed. And by slightly, I mean I gasped and jumped off of my couch in fury.

Another moment that started out as my least favorite and quickly turned into my most favorite was Angelina Jolie's continued pose off with herself that she carried all the way from the red carpet up to the theatre-formally-known-as-Kodak's stage. She just stood there, throwing in everyone's faces how long her legs were, how big her lips were, how thin her arms were, and continued that fake ass smiling the whole way through. I didn't know how much more of her I could take. She looked like an evil Barbie. Also, when did velvet come back? Honestly.

someone's been watching antm

And then all of a sudden, one of those moments happened when you just look up at the Hollywood gods and say "thank you." After announcing them for winning Best Adapted Screenplay for The Descendants, Jim Rash stole the show from his fellow writing partners without even saying a word. If you don't know who he his, clearly you are not watching Community which probably means that there is a huge void in your life and you should stop reading right now and Hulu it, because it will change your life. Well, your TV life, anyway.

this is me smizing, bitches

All in all, I enjoyed the show. It was pretty much what I expected, but it's still always exciting to me. And my favorite part? Mercifully mocking the show and its guests via Facebook statuses. Why? Who knows. Because it's fun. Also because I'm awful sometimes.

Since only my very lucky Facebook friends are so honored to see said statuses, here's a couple of screenshots of some of my favorites posts from last night. Enjoy.

Next up? The fashions. And the un-fashions. Yes, we're saying that now.

I Only Wanna B('s) With You

So this past Tuesday was Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the international day of love. Before I met my husband, I was single pretty much every February 14th (and most other days) and quite bitter. I know not every single person is bitter that day, but I was. Mainly because they used to sell carnations in high school that you could have delivered to homeroom or something and I would watch some girls prance around with seven of them while I got zilch.

Although I've technically had a "Valentine" for the past 6 V-Day's, Steve and I have never made a big deal about the day. Steve says everyday for me is Valentine's Day, because he cooks me dinner, buys me things, and generally showers me with adoring love and affection on a daily basis (his words, not mine). That's mostly true, so I've never made a big deal about it, but just an acknowledgment of the day would be appreciated.

This year I got more than acknowledgment, as I was asked to attend a special February 14th Bruins game! Well not so much asked...

Steve: So there's a Bruins game on the 14th.

Me: February 14th?! As in Valentine's Day?!

Steve: Uh, yeah. Did you like, want me to do something with you that day? Because I can find someone else to go with.

Me: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ME ON VALENTINE'S DAY. I got married so I would never have to be alone on Valentine's Day ever again, EVER.

Steve: Wow. Okay. So I guess we're going.

I love a theme, so when I found out that my presence was so lovingly wanted at this game, I knew immediately what I was going to wear: the forbidden Pink Jersey, banned circa July 2009. I know, I know- any true sports fan, regardless of team, wouldn't be caught dead next to a girl in a pink jersey, hat, t-shirt, etc. I have been lectured many times about how "real" fans don't wear pink; they proudly support their teams actual colors, and clearly no team's colors are a baby pastel pink.

But this being a day filled with hearts and love and sparkles I decided that I would stand firm and insist on rescuing The Jersey from the perils of my closet where it would surely never see the light of day again. And as I learned from Tom Hanks scratching himself in A League of Their Own, anything worth doing is worth doing right. I was going to go all out.

So you can imagine Steve's horror when he step out of the shower and saw me in this:

the pink ladies would be much more accepting

His actual words: "Is that what your'e wearing? Do you know how many other season ticket holders sit around us?!"

My response: "IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!"

Not my best comeback, but accurate.

Dressing for these games is so hard. I love a good theme but I don't want to be wearing enough garb that it looks like I think I'm actually on the team. For situations like this, I have to look to my #1 hockey girl fan, Mrs. Carrie Underwood Fischer.

I love her because she always has her hair and makeup done but dresses down just enough that she doesn't look like a glamourpuss who took a wrong turn on her way to an awards show and ended up at a hockey rink by accident.

Then of course we had to do our mini ticket photo shoot. I especially wanted to get a good picture of the date:

timmm-maaaaaaaay

Steve was a little camera shy. He kept hiding behind his tickets. I can't imagine why...

he knows we can still see him, right?

Finally, he relented and actually let me take a picture of us together. Although the embarrassment almost killed him.

don't be fooled. behind that smile is an angry, angry man

As if The Jersey wasn't enough, the Bruins totally ate it and we lost 3-0, which was essentially pouring salt on the wound.

sad v-day :(

To be fair, the Rangers are in first place and we are in second, and also their goalie is REALLY handsome, and Thomas has had that moustache for so long...

what? i always take my helmet off in slow motion

So I think that The Jersey is now officially retired. And by retired, I mean someone hid it and I can't find it anymore. Also, I am now banned from attending Original 6 match ups.

Happy V-Day, lovers (hockey and otherwise).

Saving All My Blog For Wu

I am not a fashion blogger.

I'm not even sure what kind of blogger I am. I started out strictly writing about celebrity scandal because I missed my college weekly column. Then came "the Tree" and additional tidbits about my thrilling personal life. Now, it's kind of a mix of both. I spend a ton of downtime reading other people's blogs because it's inspiring to read things from people that you can tell they're really passionate about. Like me making fun of people.

One of the ones I read on a daily basis (mainly because she posts daily) is What I Wore, a fashion blog by Jessica Quirk. She is an amazing blogger, and her blog is the type that all blogs want to be. It's classy, organized and clean, which are qualities my blog aspires to but rarely achieves. Usually her posts center around her fabulous ensembles, but this week there was a twist thrown in, as she was calling all style bloggers for a Winter Remix Challenge.

Like I previously stated, I am not a fashion blogger. I like clothes, I have lots of them and continue to buy more even though my husband yells at me. I would love to work more fashion into my blog, but there are a few challenges that stand in my way.
1. I wear black 5 out of 7 days a week. I try to mix in as many textures and over sized jewelry that I can get away with, but overall my everyday look is totally snooze worthy.
2. I live in a 700 sq foot apt. I have no quality back drops for mini photo shoots, hence why I keep standing in front of the door. I could go outside... But I live on the third floor. And it's cold. And I don't wanna.

3. I still don't own a full length mirror. So it's very hard to tell if one end of my outfit goes with the other. I can stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom and see the top and I can stand on a stool in the hallway and see the bottom in the bathroom mirror. But never the whole thing in at once.
4. I could never ask Steve to take my picture everyday. Everytime I do, he gets one good outfit photo and at least 6 of my butt and/or me making this face:

are we serious right now?

But today the fashion blogger inside me got her day, as I was one of the 80 or so that got their 15 minutes of blog fame by being featured in the challenge. Ever since I spent a Sunday morning staking out the Jason Wu collection and cursing the existence of the evil under lord that is Target, I have been racking my brain to figure out how I could wear my two pieces before July. So this was the perfect opportunity to try.

However, like most things I do in life, I procrastinated and never got around to taking the photos or even putting the clothes on, until last night during the Grammys with the 11:59 submission deadline looming. Assuming an Adele sweep, I raced to my room and threw on the ensembles I had planned in my head and ordered Steve to snap my picture as they announced Album of the Year (before you freak out on me, I rewound and caught her teary acceptance speech when I was finished. SO CHILL OUT). Hence why my hair and makeup looks like crap. I threw on some red lipstick, hoping for a miracle.

Then I attempted to download the 10 pictures, which took about 20 minutes because I have so many freaking photos on my 4.5 year old MacBook. I started to sweat a little bit, but like my book reports in 4th grade, I work best under the pressure. I threw the layout out on the soon to be extinct Picnik and composed a nice intro email and clicked send. And it was 11:57.

me & wu down by the school yard

And now I am all over the Internet! Well maybe not all over per se, but featured on a blog with a huge faithful readership. So for a novice like me, pretty damn exciting.

So thank you to Jessica for featuring us on your blog today. Go to What I Wore to check it out, and while you're there look at all her clothes because she's pretty awesome. If you hadn't heard of it before, your outfits will thank you. And then I will thank you, because I don't have to look at your sad outfits anymore.

It's Not Right... Or Okay. Like Not at All.

While I mock and ridicule many a celebrity weirdo on this blog, one thing I try to stay away from is making fun of the deceased. You just have to draw a line somewhere, you know? And there really isn't anything to joke about here. Whitney Houston passed away today at the age of 48. 48!!! While the cause of her death has yet to be released I will give you one guess what it could have been. But the truth is so glaringly obvious you probably don't need it.

So out of respect, I'm going to try to avoid saying anything wildly inappropriate. However, this is a list of things that I am still trying to wrap my head around regarding this situation:

1. Am I no longer allowed to laugh at reruns of Maya Rudolph on SNL when she yells "BOBBB-BAAAAAAAAY?"

2. See above in relation the "KISS MY ASS!" clip from The Soup

3. What are the Grammys going to be like tomorrow? Do you think that those guys in editing are crapping their pants right now trying to fix the "In Memoriam" segment?

4. How did Bobby outlive Whitney? No, seriously, like how?

4a. And also Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Keith Richards, Courtney Love, and everyone on Celebrity Rehab?

5. What will Christina Aguilera do to embarrass herself at a memorial? Even if she not invited to the actual service, that will not stop her- girl will throw one in her living room if that what it takes.

Sigh. If pictures of Amy Winehouse, Nick Nolte, Andy Dick and Britney Spears circa 2007 won't discourage people from doing drugs, will this? Will anything?!

DON'T DO DRUGS.

r.i.p. whitney. and maya rudolph's impression

Crack really is whack.

Wu Da One

I know that every other New England resident has spent the past week planning their Superbowl parties and stocking up at their local packie, however I am not one of them. My week consisted of an all-consuming obsession with getting my hands on Jason Wu for Target pieces that happen to be debuting today, otherwise known as Superbowl Sunday. Well, not for me. Today was Wuday.

Let me preface this by saying that I am not that kind of shopper. I have never participated in an early morning sale of any kind. I am more of a shop-on-a-random-Thursday-in-the-clearance-section-and-stumble-upon-a-great-cheap-pair-of-shoes-because-all-the-normal-sized-shoes-were-already-purchased-by-people-with-normal-sized-feet type shopper. I work at a mall. I am surrounded by clothes all the live long day. I rarely have Sundays off. So my idea of a fun Sunday morning when I don't have to work in retail is to stay as far away from a shopping center as possible. And sleep.

But somehow this week, my curiosity about Wu's collection grew from a general wonderment to a full on neurosis that pretty much consumed all my extra mental energy. I began stalking fashion websites all week with a coworker, plotting the best tactics for beating out all the crazies that ruined Missoni for the rest of us sane people.

After discovering that my nearest Target was on "The List," as the collection would be presented at a limited amount of stores, I immediately felt relieved. After all, Milford isn't a particularly fashionable area, and judging by the looks I got from people when I mentioned Jason Wu, very few were going to be out on the front line me at 8:00 am Sunday morning.

There were three pieces I was dying for. These were them:

kirsten called. she wants her hair back.

Notice I said "were."

I knew that there were a chance that a few of the items in the 60 piece collection wouldn't be in the store, as they were online exclusives (like the black tie blouse). But the navy poplin dress? That is the dress of my nautical dreams. I had to have it.

Similar to the way an athlete stretches before a big game, I prepped myself last night. I set out my outfit- leggings, a tight tank and a zip up sweatshirt (just in case I had to try on garments over my clothes in a fashion frenzy), switched from my new Kate Spade "Stevie" bag to an oversized canvas Old Navy clearance purse (so I could easily throw my outerwear in it in my trying on fury) and got my allowance from Steve (Christmas money from his grandfather that I had been saving for something special). I set my alarm for 6:45 am and tucked in early.

I woke up at 5:00, 6:00 and finally, 6:45. I had a foreshadowing dream that I thought I was the first person in line, and then it turned out everyone was hiding inside Target already. And instead of Target, it was an auditorium that was half Target/half bar and for some reason Shia Labeouf was doing an unplugged acoustic performance. Okay maybe it wasn't totally foreshadowing. Needless to say, it was the fastest I've ever woken up that early in the morning. I felt like it was Christmas, except the presents weren't going to come to me, I was going to have to go and take them. Well not take, but snatch and then rightfully pay for.

I scarfed down an English muffin for energy, filled my Nalgene and headed out the door. I arrived at the Milford Target exactly at 7:30 am and found... nobody. The parking lot was empty except for tired looking employees in red shirts and khakis. A coworker and I had conspired to meet there, and as we sat in my car, we visually surveyed the parking lot with the stealth of a sniper. Anytime a car would enter the lot, we would scan the driver and decide whether or not they were fashionable enough to be showing up at the crack of dawn for nautical dresses and daisy print scarves.

Finally, a few other weary shoppers arrived. Noticing the lack of a line at the door, they continued to sit in their cars as well, since it was 7:30 am in February and all. Around 7:50 am, I couldn't take it anymore, I was so paranoid about being beat to the door that we quickly shut off the car and made a run for it. Slowly, the others followed. Amateurs.

There ended up being five of us in line. FIVE. If that isn't a testament to the demographic around here, I don't know what is. Suddenly I was thankful for living in the sticks. I could only imagine what those poor saps in Somerville or Watertown were doing. As we stood outside the door, we peered inside and could see hints of red white and blue stripes. We were so close.

Finally, an unenthusiastic security guard unlocked the door. While we had engaged in polite banter outside, the mood changed immediately upon stepping through the automatic red doors. I bolted to the dress I had seen from outside and grabbed the XS and S. One of the most challenging things about these special collections is you never know how the sizes are going to run. It's not like going to Banana Republic and knowing that you can take home any size 4S without trying them on and be golden.

To my left was a peach, yellow and black striped dress featured in many of the ads. "No way," I thought. That's the exact same color as my skin.To my right was a white t-shirt with a giant black cat on it. Also featured in all the ads and also weird. I stepped around the back side of the display and found... an entire rack of Mossimo butterfly shirts. I looked up and noticed the display said "Jason Wu." Odd.

usually i wear black socks by accident when i try on dresses. sorry, mom

"Excuse me," I asked the sales clerk. "Is this all there is of the Jason Wu collection?"

"Yes, that's it. There's some bags over there," she declared and walked away. She clearly did not want to get caught in the wrath of the five most fashionable people in the extended Worcester area.

The other shoppers and I walked around the same three displays in disbelief. A dull peach blouse here, a black pleated skirt there. A gray t-shirt with faux lace down the front. So many pieces, just not even there. I couldn't believe it.

slim pickings

I snuck a peek at the bags. They were cute, but there was nothing that made me want to die. You know, like in the Rachel Zoe way, not actual death. Plus I had my limited Christmas money budget and I was under strict orders not to spend a dollar more. And I have a gazillion purses, so I felt okay with my decision to walk away.

Before heading to the fitting room, I grabbed a navy sleeveless top with daisies on it with a mesh netting thing at the top. Since I couldn't find any pieces that even resembled anything I had been hoping for, I figured I should try something that was slightly reminiscent of Wu's frequently used print. I got the only XS, and there were probably only 8 of each item total. One XS, two S, two M, etc. I also grabbed another navy dress with daisies printed on it and a yellow belt. Why the hell not.

The most successful find was the red, white and navy shift dress. While it wasn't the nautical dress I really wanted, it was a good summer jersey dress that I felt I could style into something special. Plus it closely resembled a t-shirt from the collection that I also wanted but was not in the cards for me that day.

shy sailor

I also sort of ended up liking the blue daisy shirt. It was a little short for my liking, as I am short myself, and I felt like I was just amplifying my shortness, but the model was wearing it with a high waisted skirt, so if I just tuck it in, I will look like a model. Done.

so.many.prints.

The blue dress was another story. There is no picture of me in this because it's probably one of the worst fitting things I have ever tried on, and I did high school theater. The bust area was flapping in the non-existent wind, and the yellow belt needed about three more holes to actually cinch where I imagined my waist was supposed to be. And that was an XS. If you are a busty petite woman, it's the dress for you. I am only one of those things. Guess which one.

even. more. prints.

So I settled on my two pieces. Out of the selection that was there, I considered it a success.

victorious... i think?

Finally, it was time to head home. As soon as I got to my apartment, I jumped onto target.com to see if the situation was as bleak as I imagined. Sure enough, every item- sold out. I figured I'd have much better luck going to the store than trying to score stuff online, so I didn't even try. Now I sort of wish I had persuaded my husband to also wake up and stalk the Internet for me while I went on my excursion. All over Twitter and Facebook, livid customers vented their frustrations about the availability (or lack thereof) of the products and accused Target of purposely manufacturing as few items as possible to drum up interest in the line. Oddly enough, the dress I had so coveted showed up as once being available in the Milford store, but currently sold out. Weird, because I was THE FIRST PERSON THERE.

If you follow @targetstyle (as I so furiously do now), you know that they claim that at the end of the week, some additional merchandise will be added online. What, we don't know. I can only hope that my dearly beloved navy poplin dress is one of them. And that I have little to no work to do so that I can be on my phone 24/7 this week.

So without further ado, I give you... my Wu.

please remember how early it was. makeup was nonexistent

ahoy, matey

I will leave you with this:

Steve: What did you buy? Johnny Wu?

Me: Jason Wu.

Steve: Oh. I was trying to tell my mom I couldn't remember.

Five minutes later:

Steve: What was it? Johnny Chow? Jason Lee?

Ugh. Men. Good thing I didn't ask him to scour the Internet for me after all. I would have ended up with a black cat drawn on a t-shirt in Sharpie with "Johnny Chow" on the label.