The Hills Aren't Alive... Anymore

Okay, I admit it. I've totally been suckered into this Retro MTV morning programming and I just cannot seem to stop myself from watching/DVR'ing every episode of my former favorite reality programs. Last week was bad enough with Laguna Beach, and then The Hills went and started today. I get that MTV is probably gearing these daily three hour blocks towards high school/college kids who are actually too young to have seen it the first time. Also they probably have the summer off and are working twelve hours a week, so there is an infinite amount of spare time to spend on what my mom would call "mindless crap." But there was a small part of me that was kind of excited to relive a part of my youth. All this Retro talk is making me feel like I can refer to myself as an old person, as I was all of nineteen when I started watching LB in my dorm room at Cazenovia College. There's nothing like living in a snowy village in upstate New York that makes you infatuated with a bunch of spoiled teenagers living in California. 

However this time around I am watching in a totally different light. And by that I mean this show really sucks. No, I take that back. The show doesn't suck. They were most likely doing the best they could with what little substance that was radiating out of their main "characters" stimulation conversations. The people on this show suck. There, I said it.

I was sort of okay with LB because the whole time I just kept saying to myself, "these people are seventeen. Who wasn't a big fat idiot when they were in high school?" But The Hills is a whole other ball game. Mainly because these people are nineteen years old. Part of the premise is them living on their own/growing up/going to school/working their "dream jobs." They are living lives that people in their thirties are still trying to achieve who are actually working for it. Also, they are just so stupid. SO STUPID. Even Lauren, who must actually be smart to come out of this whole thing as successful as she has, just had so many moments where you wanted to jump through the TV and shake her thick black headband right off her head.

careful, lauren. that's how sex tapes get made.

Maybe it's because I am apparently an old fart now (thanks, MTV), or just the fact that I've been in I guess what you would call the "real world" for a few years that I finally see how ludicrous it was that we were watching these people and thinking they were so glamorous and cool. In no specific order, here are some of the things that specifically got on my nerves as a worldly adult and not the naive college student I once was*:

1. Lauren and Heidi go to school. Heidi misses her entire first day because she "can't find it." Instead of asking someone where "it" is, she remains in her lawn chair and plays solitaire. Only someone who will never understand what a bitch it is to pay back school loans would give up so easily.
2. Heidi and Lauren go to the nightclub LAX, where Heidi meets Brent Bolthouse, who offers to interview her for his company. They were definitely both nineteen at the start of this show, so how did they get in? Also, other than Abercrombie and Fitch, what companies do their recruiting of underage girls at night clubs?
3. Heidi somehow gets the job, despite having the worst interview ever and showing up in jeans and a sleeveless cowl neck sweater.
4. Heidi is horrified to discover that her cool new job is full time and she has to stuff envelopes on her first day. She goes into Brent's office no less than three times to complain about how she thought it was only part time. You know, because working 9:00-6:00 is really getting in the way of her snuggling with her boyfriend all day.
5. This is an actual show opener conversation between Whitney and Lauren:
Whitney: Jeans can be really addicting. There's like, always new ones and you feel like you have to have them.
Lauren: *laughs*
How hilarious. Have you ever heard such witty banter among colleagues?
6. At least three of Audrina's loser dates laugh at her when she mentions being at work during the day. One of these guys is a model and one appears to have no job at all. So, a real group of winners there that you want to impress.
7. Lauren moves to L.A. with what appears to be all of her earthly positions in one pink suitcase half hanging out of the backseat of her black BMW convertible. This doesn't seem ridiculous when the show continues and you see her wearing a long sleeved black shirt and jean capris everyday.
8. Laure and Heidi's boyfriends apparently need to celebrate milestones on THE EXACT DAY they happen, despite the fact that neither of them seem to work and therefore have a pretty open social calendar. Lauren and Jason practically break up because she had to work at a photo shoot on his birthday (which was a Wednesday). Heidi finally gets offered the chance to work events and then after realizing the first one would be on her and Jordan's six month anniversary (really?!), makes a face that could only resemble that of someone who just saw their dog get hit by a car. This was also a Wednesday. Here's an idea: why not celebrate these events on a different day? Like, Thursday?
9. Heidi's boyfriend gives her a puppy in the Christmas episode. She names it Bella. It was never seen again. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT PUPPY?!
10. The flip phones. So many flip phones. Okay, I know they can't help this one because at the time, the most advanced form of technology was a Motorola Razor. But I couldn't help but laugh.

*Disclaimer: I get that a lot of these things happened because they are on TV, and that if normal people engaged in any of this behavior they would never get jobs or you know, survive. But still, c'mon.

um, duh. it was totally my sleeveless turtleneck
& non-existent resume that got me the job.

I think the most infuriating thing, particular about the first season (because that's all they've shown so far) is watching Lauren almost ruin her life over her douchey ex-boyfriend Jason. For those of you who don't know or weren't recently refreshed last week, Lauren ruined the small amount of credibility she had gained in my eyes by getting back together with a guy she had broken up with for kissing his ex-girlfriend in front of her. My favorite part was when she told him he could come and talk to her at her house, but that he couldn't come in cause her dad wouldn't allow it. You go, girl. But a mere few months later, he calls her in L.A. (because he just moved there too! Duh) and she gets right on back with him. Fortunately, we all know how that turns out (and how it gave birth to The Hills Sex Tape-gate 2007 and one of the greatest television rivalries of all time) because she eventually came to her senses.

Not that any of this is going to keep me from watching. You better believe I have my DVR set for every day this week while I'm getting my nautical on in Maine for the Fourth of July. If watching these idiots achieve fame isn't celebrating the American Dream, I don't know what is.

~L


PS- I know this is years old and MadTV doesn't even exist anymore, but this is still my favorite Hills parody ever. And you can headband yourself all the way home.