Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's A Nice Day for a White, White, WHITE Wedding

In case you happen to have left the country this past weekend, you may not know that reality queen Kim Kardashian tied the knot with the "not-so famous until he met a Kardashian sister" basketball player Kris Humphries.

But for those of you who were stuck here in America, you couldn't possibly escape the barrage of details that were being reported practically minute-by-minute of their excessive nuptials. Every time I refreshed my Us Weekly app on my iPhone, there was a new "story" on one of the many elements featured at their black and white affair.

It started innocently enough, with a grainy paparazzi photo of Kourtney and Scott holding their son Mason. At first I thought "Wow! I can't believe a photo of Kim leaked already!" as I knew that she was no doubt selling the exclusive photos to some magazine that I will obviously buy when it hits newsstands on Friday for a bazillion dollars. Turns out, the subject shown in the white mermaid Vera Wang with flowing dark curls was not the bride herself, but her eldest sister.

The only reason I kept obsessively checking my usual tabloid sites is because we all know that the only reason to look at celebrity's wedding photos is to see their dresses. They really are just like us, but they have more money and designer friends, so seeing the dress is the most critical part of the wedding day coverage. After seeing the headline:

FIRST PIC: See Kim Kardashian's Beautiful Wedding Dress!

I was super excited to oogle at Kim's much talked about Vera so that I could get on with my life. I was horrified to discover that this was the photo they were referring to where we would get a special sneak peak before the official wedding photos drop. I'm sorry, I thought she got married in late August in Santa Barbara, not on top of a glacier off the coast of Antartica.

As the day went on, we discovered that shockingly enough, not only were all 76 Kardashian women outfitted in white, but half the guests were too! I found this shocking not because it bucked tradition, but also I couldn't believe anyone who is so obsessed with how they look enough to wear this much makeup to a dance class would ever let one of her lowly 500 guests (or worse- a more attractive, thinner younger sister) possibly look more bridey than her.

As the day went on, the coverage only grew worse, as we quickly learned about their 6 foot tall cake, Kim's horribly ugly hairpiece, the gaudy ceremony decor, the guest list, the not one, or two, but THREE Vera's she donned during the day, the passe track suits, and much much more. The worst part is, it's not over. It's not even close to over. Because even though their very special day has passed, Kim's Fairytale Wedding (as E! has now devoted 75% of their website to Kim's Koverage) won't even debut in a four hour special (broken up into 2 two-hour episodes) until OCTOBER.

This is what I do not understand. Clearly, the details are getting out about what went down at this wedding. I'm positive that the $2.5 million photo spread in People is going to be about 20 pages long. The four hour torture fest on E! will show us all the behind the scenes dirt, and when I say behind the scenes, I mean scripted and choreographed by Kris Jenner. Why E! didn't show the footage live on Saturday is beyond me, or at least bump up the air dates, as the current episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians have barely introduced us to Kim's lazy-eyed lover, Kris Humphries. I'm sorry, but there is definitely something off about that guy. Maybe it's that he always looks a little sleepy (or high?) or the fact that he has diarrhea of the mouth, or that unlike every other guy Kim has featured as her boyfriend on the show, he actually seems to enjoy all of the media attention that he gets with her.

Seacrest really needs to start cracking some skulls over there, because how unfortunate that the weekend of her supposed dream wedding is the same weekend that the latest episode of the show feature Kris hanging out with her family the first time (on vacation, no less) and annoying the crap out of them? That just seems like bad PR for KK, and momager Kris should have known better. We haven't even seen them get engaged yet, and I have been DYING to see those white sparkle mini ponies in person ever since I heard of their existence at their engagement party the last time she had an 18 page spread in People.

Because Kim and her family live their lives so "openly" via Twitter, Us Weekly and the E! channel, nothing about this wedding is even going to be a surprise by October. So why so late, E!? Are you trying to build excitement for the most overexposed celebrity couple of the year? Or do you need them to last at least a month in order to warrant spending the $15 million for the rights to their wedding coverage?

Whatever it is, I am SO over it. Don't get me wrong, I will obviously be at the supermarket on Friday morning, buying that damn People and filling up my DVR a 4 hour wedding special, but I just want to go on record that as a lover of all things celebrity and all things wedding, I am beyond annoyed that this mayhem is going to continue.

So just to recap- reasons why I kurrently hate Kim Kardasian and her stupid wedding:
1. Kreepy Kris (husband, not mother, although sometimes Kris J. is equally kreepy)
2. Dumb sparkly headpiece
3. From the top up, what appears to be a boring Vera (didn't even know that was possible)
4. Brangelina-sized paycheck for photo rights (and she certainly isn't giving it to the children of Namibia)
5. Wedding day tanlines. Ugh
6. Tried to kopy an actual princess by knocking off her kake and bridesmaid attire
7. Incessant media coverage that almost made me miss the fact that Jennifer Garner is pregnant with baby #3 and other important stuff
8. So.many.K's.

That's all the Kardashian I can handle for now. I'm absolutely sure it isn't over, but I will most definitely be going on a Kardashian-related hiatus. Until Friday.


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