Friday, January 17, 2014

All That Glitters Is Not Golden Globes

Alright guys, this is it. We are officially in it. Awards season has truly begun. I'm not sure if any of you put my awards essentials to use, but I certainly enjoyed my evening right where I wanted to be: on my couch, in sweats (with the tuxedo t-shirt, of course) cozied up with a glass of pink wine with all my tech devices in reach (for easy access to the new Facebook page). It was another banner year filled with winners (J.Law, again), losers (E! and their "fun facts"), surprises (Brooklyn Nine Nine, anyone?) and WTF? moments (bless your poor drunk heart, Jacqueline Bisset). But of course, my favorite thing is always the fashion, or sometimes lack thereof. So let's delve right into our Globes get ups.

l to r: jenna dewan-tatum, amy poehler, margot robbie

At every award show every year, I am always annoyed with the lack of color on the red carpet. This year, these were actually some of my favorites. I look at Jenna Dewan-Tatum in that gorgeous black and white gown that reminds me of a modern day Sabrina, and then I have to pick my jaw up off the floor when I realize she had a baby like six months ago (and wakes up to Magic Mike everyday, sometimes life just isn't fair). Then there's Amy Poehler, who automatically starts ten points above everyone else for being an awesome trifecta of super-funny host, SNL alum, with Massachusetts roots. Sometimes she really gets it wrong, so I was pleasantly surprised when she arrived in this sassy black number. It's safe, and I don't quite understand that off-center cutout, but I will give her the most approved award (although I sort of loved that she wore a tux last year with nothing underneath it. Unfortunately, she ruined it by wearing capris). And newcomer Margot Robbie- talk about making an entrance. This white sheath gown just lay across her body, smooth as silk in all the right places, accented with a green jeweled detail and coordinating shoes. For someone who is starring in such a ridiculous movie, she made the most perfectly demure yet sexy appearance, especially after Ryan Seacrest couldn't remember that he had already met her. 

l to r: kate beckinsale, michelle dockery, julianna margulies

Again, I am like shocking myself with the lack of color in some of my best picks. I think think Kate Beckinsale and Michelle Dockery's dresses are my absolute two favorites of the night, but for completely different reasons. I'm convinced that Kate is no longer an actress, as I haven't heard of her starring in anything since those fifty bajillion Underworld movies. I think she is now a professional presenter, because I feel like I only see her looking gorgeous at award shows. I think they just insert her into events in Hollywood to remind the other actresses to keep it together, because she is clearly unemployed and ready to jump in and take your spot in a hot second. Michelle looks so beautiful and classy, which seems easier for some reason when you're British. She was looking a little goth-ish the last few years on the carpet, but I think here she looks so fresh and like she could just dance all night in a movie musical in that high-low dress. And last in one of my least favorite actresses Julianna Margulies. I know, I know, everyone loves The Good Wife, just like everyone loved E.R. I don't know why, I've just never been a fan. Plus I think she's had some real misses in the wardrobe category. But I love this black and gold brocade gown. It's a little sexy but still age appropriate, plus those shoulders give it a kind of a strong woman warrior stance. 

l to right: helen mirren, taylor schilling, olivia wilde 

Christmas is over, but that didn't stop a bevy of ladies from showing in varying forms of this holiday hue. Unfortunately for Helen Mirren, this shapeless dress hung on her usually bodacious frame, while Taylor Schilling seemed to have forgone undergarments all together. Have you seen her on Orange is the New Black? Girl is gorgeous even in a prison jumpsuit. So why did she choose this severe shade with the neckline of a 1970's nightgown? Don't even get me started on her makeup. Something just went wrong here, because she just doesn't look like her usual fresh self. Now someone who put a lot of thought into the shape of things, my girl Reese Witherspoon. I like her because she looks like a normal person that just happens to be a movie star. A few years ago she got real skinny post-divorce and people were fawning over her (and her bangs), but I like her like this. I will support her to the end, but I just don't know that I'm feeling this haircut. I mean it's a bob... with bangs. Elle Woods made an entire speech in Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde about the hideousness that can be a bob with bangs. It's a little mom-ish for me, and yes, I get that she is in fact, a mom, but she's also a movie star. Speaking of moms, Olivia Wilde brought her baby bump as a +1 to the red carpet, clad in this slithery deep green number. I thought the dress was beautiful, but I feel like I've seen it before. Remember Florence Welch at the Grammys last year? It's almost identical, minus the reptile-like spikes. And I am I thought the ombre thing had died like a year and a half ago. 

l to ri: emma roberts, leslie mann, sofia vergara

Remember when I said I was loving some of the dresses that were lacking in color this year? Well there was also a handful of forgettable all-black gowns as well. Don't get me wrong, they're perfectly nice, but nothing to write home about. Starting with Emma Roberts. Now I know she's on American Horror Story, but I felt like she was channeling Elvira a bit in the body-hugging off the shoulder number, minus the curves. Between the dress and that slicked back hair, I just thought she looked... dull. Like I don't have anything else to even say about it, I'm just so bored with what is happening in this photo. Leslie Mann looks okay, but I feel like the peplum gown was very 2013, and it's a whole new year, honey. And it's hard to tell, but is there like a weird concave thing happening in her boob area? Oh, Sofia Vergara. What is there even to say? I don't really know what to do with her. When she wears a tight-fitting dress she looks like she's competing in the Miss Universe pageant, and when she wears something full she looks out of place, like she's trying to cover up her curves. Well, half of her curves, at least. I'm impressed with her teeny waist, but could the designer have hacked off a foot of fabric from the skirt and added a little more support for the girls? I'm nervous just looking at them. Luckily, they have those turquoise pebbles weighing them down that look like they came from an Orlando gift shop. 

l to r: uma thurman, cate blanchett, jessica chastain

Oh, so we're not finished with the all-black thing? Okay. Uma Thurman, where you been? I'm not entirely sure why she was there. Did she even present? I don't remember seeing her once on the live telecast. She looks more birdlike than ever in this turtleneck looking thing. I'm definitely not a fan. And I'm sorry, I must be the only person in the world that doesn't think that Cate Blanchett is a fashion icon. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her, she looks very nice and all, but I see it, I get it, and I've moved on. And Jessica Chastain. I cannot believe she had the nerve to show up again with that pushed back hair. What is that?! I'm sorry, that is not a style. That is how I used to look when my dad picked up at swimming lessons and I would stick my head out the window to dry my hair. I was so preoccupied with her coif I barely took a second look at her gown, but guess what? It's a black dress. What else is there to say?

l to r: emma thompson, hayden panettiere, melissa mccarthy

Well at least these ladies tried with a little bit of detailing to offset the rest of the Addams Family. Unfortunately, it didn't help all that much. I'm not sure what Emma Thompson was going for with this two-toned dress, but I am never a fan of looks where the top and bottom look like they were taken from two completely different outfits. Hayden Panettiere is working the colorblocking trend, but I'm not sure this particular pattern is the most flattering way to do it. And unless she just came from the beach, there is nothing acceptable about that hair for an award show (and even then, I want to like Melissa McCarthy's dress, I really do. I mean, it's an improvement from that green Shrek looking number from a few years ago, but it has about as much style as a metallic-trimmed bathrobe. 

l to r: drew barrymore, sarah hyland, maria menounos, aubrey plaza

I mean, does this not feel like a breath of fresh air after the funeral attire we just escaped? Don't get me wrong, some if it is God awful- I'm just happy I can see color again. Apparently, Drew Barrymore is celebrating Valentine's Day a little early this year. Ironically, this dress totally coincides with her upcoming photography book launch featuring... pictures that she has taken over the past twenty years of things that look like hearts. I get that she is a mother now, but it seems like she is letting her daughter pick her clothes and her projects. Modern Family's eldest child Sarah Hyland has done a complete 180 from the sexier looks she's been sporting over the past year. Unfortunately I think she went to far in the opposite direction with that damn milkmaid braid, accented by an unnaturally strong eyebrow. I'm all for working what your momma gave ya, but it's not like she's Jennifer Connelly. Like, where did those things come from all of a sudden? I think the color of Maria Menounos' gown is terrific on her, but I still don't understand why anyone thinks it's flattering to showcase that pancake boob that you get when your dress pushes down too hard in the chest area. Plus, a ponytail? I'm sorry, did you stop on over to host the red carpet on your way back from the gym? And Aubrey Plaza. I was not expecting the black widow of Parks & Rec to show up in this bubble gum number. I feel like I almost like it, or I want to like it, but I can't help but feel that it's two different 90s bridesmaid dresses sewn together. I think the colors are great for her and she should keep heading in this direction, especially with a fun patterned shoe. Those will take you everywhere. 

l to r: kerry washington, robin wright, naomi watts, kate mara

Turns out, it doesn't have to be black to be boring. Once again, there was a slew of looks in my least favorite color, otherwise known as "fakakta." Some of them are shiny, but there's still that paper bag hue disguised underneath. All people were talking about before the show was what would Kerry Washington wear? Everyone had very high hopes, given her history of being a fashionista, not to mention, her first public experience with a baby bump. When I saw her in this, I was overwhelmingly underwhelmed. It's just so simple. And what purpose does the ruffle serve? I hate to say these words in the presence of designer gowns, but it was very David's Bridal to me. Robin Wright has been looking pretty smoking lately. She's sporting that pixie cut better than girls have her age, and she's like Madonna-jacked, minus the scary arms. For having such an amazing body (and a boyfriend like 15 years her junior), I was not excited about this dress on her, and once I saw her boob tape during her acceptance speech, I realized it's not that functional, either. Naomi Watts blew me away at the Oscars last year, and then she shows up in this thing that has cutouts (one of my least favorite trends) yet gives her no shape. I don't know why Kate Mara needed to go this far in the other direction with her hair- she had the most beautiful shade of red before. Also it's a little past the point of "undone" that now it just looks messy. Between her skin, hair and dress, everything is just blending in. Until I saw this picture, I didn't even know she was there. And now that I'm done talking about her, I forgot about her already. 

l to r: allison williams, lena dunham, zosia marmet, jemima kirke

Oh, the Girls. The voices of our generation. Hopefully they're not the fashion icons of our generation, because if that's the case, we got a problem. The normally gorgeous Allison Williams is looking a little zombie-esque in this black and white gown topped with... fur? And extra straps? Like, what is that? It's like she's in a zebra print straight jacket. She looks so scary and thin I just want to throw sandwiches at her. And then there's Lena Dunham, who no matter what will never have people not talking about what her body looks like in or out of clothes (mostly out). I could care less about her body, I actually think this dress is a good color on her, but I find the top to be very ill-fitting. When I was a teenager, a guy once told me that girls shouldn't wear tube tops (which I happened to be wearing at the time) because no matter how thin you are, it gives you armpit fat. Confidence = crushed. And now I have a fear of strapless. I'm not saying anything about her body, but I think that because the cups of the dress are too small in the bust area, it is causing things to runneth over more than they normally should. What I mainly cannot get past is that hair. I mean, did she sleep on it wrong and just threw a clip on the front? That is not a hairstyle. I think he hair looks good now that it's growing out, and I saw a picture of her recently with a really fierce flat iron job. Find that person who did that to you and ask them to move into your house, pronto. I sort of like the dress that Zosia Marmet has on- of all of them, I think it looks the best (although it's a tad long. I mean, what's a hem, $9?). And I am loving this new bob on her. But why does she always look so irritated? She's the wackiest character on that show, and here she just looks like she smelled a bad smell. As for Jemima Kirke, well, I just have no words. I'm convinced that she's not even a real person and that Jessa is her true identity. They seem to share the same clothes. I'm pretty sure I wore a cuter version of this same dress to my fifth grade handbell concert. 

l to r: lupita nyong'o, giuliana rancic, julia louis-dreyfus

I pretty much always love red on the red carpet. I just think it's just a bold and beautiful color, and it really makes a statement. However, I don't know if I can stand behind all of these statements. Lupita Nyong'o, you may have not gotten a Golden Globe on Sunday, but if they gave out an award for most gorgeous skin, you win by a landslide. I heard someone describe her as "a cosmetic contract just waiting to happen." And that color is divine on her. But I stand by my opinion of Gwyneth at the Oscars that year- I don't get the cape. I understand it's high fashion. I get that it's couture. But it looks like a damn set of wings. When I saw her on the pre-show, I wanted to reach in and rip those things right off her. I wanted to see the silhouette of the dress, and I was disappointed that it was shrouded in these wing-like flaps. I love my girl Giuliana Rancic, but she kept saying over and over again that she doesn't wear "princess" dresses like this, and I'm thinking there's a reason for that. It seems a bit too large and overwhelming for her small frame. Props on the mirrored bag though. And Julia Louis-Dreyfus' body looks banging, but I never thought I could be so unexcited about a dress this vibrant a color. It's just... nothing. There's no special detailing, very minimal jewelry, and again, the ponytail. I know her personality is more than this dress, but it was a total snooze-fest for me. 

l to r: amy adams, taylor swift, edie falco

I think Amy Adams looks really great in this color. Well, one of the colors. I don't think the two-tone works at all. An I'm all about embracing your flat chested-ness, but even I'm slightly offended by the amount of clavicle she is sporting her, accented by an oddly long necklace. Did you see the posters for American Hustle? I feel like she had boobs- where did they go? The thing I'm probably the least okay with is that hairdo. I haven't seen that style since 8th grade graduation, when "twisties and un updo" was all the rage. She has the most beautifully thick red hair. I have no idea why she let someone do this to her, but I pray she breaks free in time for the Oscars. I am shocked that Taylor Swift showed up this year, considering her archenemies Tina Fey was hosting again. At least she upped her game in the wardrobe department compared to last year. I didn't mind this little sweetheart dress, although I feel that at age 22, Taylor still looks sometimes like she's going to the prom, although I'm sure she was going for more of a Gentlemen Prefer Blondes thing. And Edie Falco. Why wear a red satin trash bag? That dress couldn't have less shape if it tried, which is so frustrating because I'm sure her body is much better under there than it is appearing. Can we all just agree to put a cease-and-desist on large red neck bows to avoid copying Nicole Kidman circa 2007? Thanks. 

l to r: paula patton, rashida jones, kaley cuoco, zooey deschanel

This is where it really starts to go downhill. Paula Patton is probably one of the most gorgeous women in the world. I mean, Robin Thicke admitted that "Blurred Lines" is about her. I'm not saying you have to be super sexy all the time, but how about you not cover up half of your amazing body with an oversized flacid ruffle? It reminds me of all the extra skin those people on the those crazy medical shows on TLC where they have 700 pound tumors removed. Shudder. Rashida Jones seems to have stumbled onto the red carpet on her way to Palm Beach. How else can you explain this palm tree nightmare? I swear, we used to have an identical shower curtain when my mom was trying to do a beach theme in our bathroom. Girl, it's January. Get it together. And Kaley Cuoco. I have written previously about my hatred for her award show attire and this dress is no exception. Do you think she was envisioning her look and was like, "you know what color I love? Dirty dishwater." That's all I can think of. And I have always hated those outlined boob cups. Even with her "adorkable" style, Zooey Deschanel just looks like an idiot in this dress, and no, I don't care that it's Oscar de la Renta. I think more than anything, this outfit actually infuriates me, because I feel like that skirt is actually cute and wants more than anything to get away from that damn crop top. It just could not be more unflattering.

l to r: jennifer lawrence, heidi klum, julia roberts, sandra bullock

Jennifer Lawrence, I get that you are having moment right now. You're young, you've already won an Oscar and are in a super successful trilogy and you have a bajillion dollars and everyone want to be your best friend. I'm going to be honest that I am still not loving that haircut (she had such thick beautiful hair- remember when she was nominated for Winter's Bone?), and I don't care if Dior is choosing every piece of clothing for you down to your underwear, this dress is not cute. I think I speak for every girl when I say we have all worn a reincarnation of that dress for play time and/or a Halloween costume. There is nothing about this that says "elegance" or "quality," other than the fact that it probably costs more than my car. As for Heidi Klum, I can't remember the last time she wore something that wasn't hideous. She looks like Stevie Nicks if she were going to a garden party. I don't know what Julia Roberts is doing, but I feel like she should be asking "chicken or beef?" at a wedding reception. I'm super bummed because I like that her hair is pulled back and I kind of love her makeup. This white shirt under the strapless dress screams "I AM TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING" which seem like the opposite affect of what you're going for when you try to cover your entire body. Sandra Bullock is one of those that deceived me, because at first I thought from the top up that she was totally cute (minus again, that concave chest thing) and then I saw this Crayola colorblocked satin tent. She's like 49 with a bangin' bod. Don't get me started on that messy ponytail. 

l to r: emma watson, tina fey, julie bowen, zoe saldana

I did not have Emma Watson on my worst dressed list until a full twenty four hours after the show. Why? Because I feel like I was tricked. I was played. There I was, the whole night thinking she looked so beautiful, predicting her to be at the top of every best dressed list, including my own. It wasn't until I was clicking through the full arrivals gallery when I saw the back of this atrocity. I know you can't see it in this photo, so let me describe it to you. It's basically a backwards bathrobe tied together over pants. Black pants. High-waisted black pants. I just... I don't... I mean... I can't. And Tina Fey. Talk about fashion relapse. She looked so amazing last year, and when I saw her in this Carolina Herrera floral (?) gown on the red carpet, I literally winced. Thankfully, she changed by the time she took to the stage for hosting duty. I really do not have any words for Julie Bowen. Actually, I do but they're not my words, so I have to give credit where credit is due. Thank you to Heather, who pointed out on Facebook that she looks like one of the Red Hat Society ladies. Also I missed the moment where colored velvet is in again. And last but not least, Zoe Saldana I think takes my own personal worst dressed title for the evening. This dress is too much dress, yet half a dress at the same time. Apparently she thought more is more, and much more is like totally more, so there should just be MORE. Each of these elements aren't even that cute on their own, and shoved together it just looks like a fashion school project gone wrong.

So what are you thoughts? Who were your favorites of the evening? Did you actually like that stupid sheet dress that J.Law wore? If so, get out. JK, this is America. But I really do love talking shop when it comes to award shows, even if I find your opinion to be horribly and terribly wrong. I'd love to hear your bests and worsts!


all photos courtesy of yahoo!

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