Monday, December 19, 2011

All I Want For Khristmas is Kardashian Kard

While I have been checking the mail anxiously all month for Christmas cards from my friends and family, finally the most important one showed up today. Okay, so it wasn't sent to me personally, but Kim Kardashian posted the pics on her website, which is basically the same thing.

In case you have a moral obligation against actually clicking on something that is part of the Kardashian brand, this is said card photo:
I know what you're thinking. This is the epitome of everything that is wrong with America. Those cats in that Sarah Mclachlan commercial need just 60 cents a day just to survive, and this family probably shelled out six figures in an attempt to look like extras from a Vogue shoot. I don't even want to think about what the total was for the lighting, styling, and pre-Christmas card facelifts in order the get this photo.

But if you saw their card last year, you know that this is not out of the ordinary for the over-exposed Klan. They've been putting out ridiculous holiday cards for years. For example, 2010:

um, bruce? bruce? look over here. yep, right here. someone call bruce, please

Now even back in the day, the Kardashians were working the whole mixed family giant cheesy card photos. But they still look like a semi normal family, whereas they just look miserable now because you know the women have been starving themselves just to get into their sample size Pucci gowns. I mean, look at this picture at tell me this is not what Christmas cards are all about?!

it's 2011. do you know where your children are, bruce?

I'm not going to lie, I have a few family Christmas photos that slightly resemble this myself. The Christmas card was a big deal in my family, complete with a 3 month planning stage, a day long photo shoot and then a few more agonizing hours of selecting the actual picture where we would argue about who looked the best in which photos. There was usually a theme with some sort of coordinating outfits, followed by a whitty poetic verse that my mother created.

no, this is not a gap ad. but thank you

But these newfangled Kardashian Kards are just taking awkward family photos to a whole new extreme. It was one thing last year to put out this highly stylized holiday greeting, but why would you continue this level of craziness in 2011 when everyone in the world can't stop talking about hot self-centered and overexposed you are?! Also, I would love to know what the time frame was for this photo shoot. Did they do this in October like we used to? Was Kris Humphries part of the mockup? I would love to know if he was originally a part of this and then Photoshopped out. It's totally possible, as even the blind can tell that the Kardashian's love themselves some retouching.

To make matters worse (please, hold onto your dinner for this one), this card is actually also viewable with 3D glasses, which I'm sure you can purchase for $14.95 at Dash. Well Kardashians, on this one, the Scalera's have you beat, as our 2002 card featured an actual piece of flannel tied through the card to make it look like we were wearing scarves.

Also, do you think it's weird that Kourtney and Scott don't put out their own card even though they have a child and another on the way? Or Khloe and Lamar? Or Kim and her ass? Do you think that Kris Jenner has them all contractually obligated to appear in the family Christmas card through 2050? And most importantly, what year exactly did the Jenner children get excommunicated? So.many.questions.

All I can say is, that is not a Christmas card. This is a Christmas card:

actual caption: we're never too busy to wish you a merry christmas


  1. Who the heck are all those kids in the kardashian family photo????

  2. Oh geez, haven't you seen the E! True Hollywood Story?! Bruce was married before he met Kris. He had three boys and a girl and she had three girls and a boy before they got together and had the other two girls. You've seen The Hills, right? Brody Jenner is one of those little chubbers.