You Want a Piece of Glee: Possible Britney Episode of the Hit Fox Musical

Recently, Britney Spears' manager (is that the guy that is also her boyfriend, or is this another one of her people/handlers/babysitters?) asked fans via Twitter if they would like to see an entire episode of Glee devoted to the musical styling of our beloved pop princess. Immediately, the topic #BritneySpearsGlee gained the kind of momentum that is usually reserved for... well, an episode of Glee itself.

After watching the "Power of Madonna" episode, I have to admit that the thought of all the Gleeks performing a rousing cover of Baby One More Time instantly entered my mind (it would be totally perfect- you know how they love singing and dancing down the hallway, plus Rachel Barry has enough plaid mini skirts to outfit the entire cast). I think Britney seems like a good choice because like Madonna, Brit's catalogue of music is pretty extensive and she has some memorable performances that are just begging to be recreated (four words= Kurt. Sequined. Nude. Bodysuit.)

But the more I thought about, the more that it seemed like this could possibly be a Jump the Shark situation. Glee opened the second half of the season with an episode devoted just the word "hello," then aired the Power of Madonna, and details about an upcoming Lady Gaga show are slowly being released (Idina Menzel and Lea Michele singing an acoustic version of Poker Face? Chris Colfer performing in 10 inch silver heels to Bad Romance?). It just makes me a little apprehensive about the future of our beloved Glee. How many more themed episodes can they do before she show turns into an American Idol rip off?

Other than the fact that AI has somehow exhausted through the talent pool in this country, which is extremely apparent this year, as it seems vocal talent was left off the "required skills" list; one of the things I find most irritating about this show (other than the fact this it's responsible for the tumor that is Ryan Seacrest) is the obscene amount of theme nights. Once they got to "Songs of the 1940's," I was two steps out the door.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy has also recently said that he would like to do other "tribute" episodes, such as Led Zeppelin and Courtney Love. Really?! Courtney Love? I can't name one Courtney Love song, let alone enough for an entire episode.

I also have a problem with Britney's manager trying to gain momentum for this proposal via Twitter. I know that Twitter is now a thread woven into the fabric of our everyday lives, but since when are we able to control the future of our television shows because we tweeted that we want to see Emma perform "Toxic" in an inspiring musical number where she confronts her O.C.D.? No one should be surprised that people responded favorably to his post. Can we take a moment to asks ourselves who are the people that are following Britney's manager on Twitter? The same people that make videos of themselves crying off their eyeliner under a sheet, defending her life choices while professing their unconditional love.

Listen, I love Glee, and when she's showered, medicated and auto-tuned I love me some Britney too. I just am weary for the future of both of these pop culture gems. They're both in fragile states- Glee, as popular as it is, it's the television equivalent of a fetus, and it's only begun its second trimester. And Britney- poor girl managed to put on a world tour but still can't remember to put on a bra when she hits up Starbucks. She could crack at any moment, and I would hate for Glee theme week overkill to knock her off the wagon.

The Big (Pre)Show

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Just like popping champagne on New Years marks the end of the holiday season (and the beginning of so much more), the Academy Awards are the ultimate culmination of the best of the best. So much preparation, talent and craft go into this one day, where careers can begin and end in the matter of an evening. Oh you thought I was talking about the films?

Hells no! This is all about the duds. How many people have actually seen more than one best picture nominee prior to the Oscars?

That's not why we tune in! It's all about the glitz, the glamour. So without further ado, here are the winners...and the losers. According to me. Because before those envelopes are opened, I am the Academy.


Miley Cyrus: Wrong again! It's like the only thing she knows how to do is be age-inappropriate. From her boyfriends to her ensembles, this girl is living well beyond her 16 years. That dress would have worked so much better on a Penelope Cruz/Cameron Diaz. Someone older, taller and uh, classier?!

Vanessa Hudgens: Now anyone who knows me knows that I do not live in fear of feathers (a favorite headband accessory). But that dress looks like Big Bird's evil twin after it got caught in shredder. Oh, and can you get your boyfriend to trim off the scraggles on the back of his hair? I'm all for the slicked back look for a formal evening, but it's all about maintenance. Even you, boys.

Amy Adams: Ooo. Red on Red? Statement necklaces are all the rage, but this is too much. I swear, from far away, that top gave off a flannel look. Oh Amy. Tsk tsk. Last I checked, the LL Bean catalogue doesn't carry formal wear.

Jennifer Grey: Who gives a crap about Jennifer Grey? It's 2009.

Freida Pinto: So close to getting it right! The fit of her dress is perfection (definite improvement from the mustard thing at the Globes), but I think my great aunt wants her curtains back. And her her hair style. Glad to see a color other than black, though. Her face is so beautiful it almost makes up for the whole thing. Almost.

Melissa Leo: When did it become okay to match your dress to your hair color? Amy Adams- I'm talking to you too. One other thing- who the hell is Melissa Leo?

Taraji P. Henson: Love, love, love the necklace. I'm seeing stars- literally. The dress is okay. We've seen her in white already, yawn. I never liked the layered gown look. I swear I was the only person that wasn't a fan of the champagne mess that Penelope Cruz wore a few years back, but it just reminds me of fish scales. Also, note to self- when pulling up dress on the red carpet, you should never go so high that we see your Spanx.

Heidi Klum: I know that we're going green, but did she have to recycle her dress from last year? Did she leave her high-neck Galliano gown on the bottom of what I can imagine is a fabulous closet? Ugh and the coral jewelry? Ick ick ick. Also. flat hair is never fabulous. *Brownie points for supporting the Red Dress campaign.

Viola Davis: Can Reem Acra dress everyone for every awards show all season? Every dress is different and every dress is gorgeous. Davis' makeup is flawless. This is what Beyonce should aspire to look like a award shows.

Marisa Tomei: Finally a good dress! But girl needs to accessorize with a sandwich. She looks like she's been furiously chugging cayenne pepper and maple syrup between the Globes and now. Love the geometric dress- very LeAnn from Project Runway.

Amanda Seyfriend: Hair- fabulous. Very Veronica Lake. But why, oh why did you deprive some high school theatre department of that 80's prom gown?

Sarah Jessica Parker: GORG GORG GORG! She floats. Perfection from top to bottom. Miley Cyrus wishes she even a sliver of a younger version of you. Now what can we do about your date?

Anne Hathaway: I am a sucker for a gorgeous hair pin. But even though it shimmers and sparkles (always a great accessory for a girl) I'm still yawning a little. Definitely lacking in the shape department. Let's hoist the girls, shall we?

Melissa George: Not sure why you're there. Last I checked, getting booted from Grey's wasn't any reason to be invited to the Academy freaking Awards, but one word: hairspray. A wispy on the red carpet?! For shame.

Robert Downey Jr: Um did someone just get a chemical peel? A little nip and or tuck? Seriously, if that's what a life of hard partying and multiple trips to the slammer will get you, well then I confess. It was me that tried to illegally videotape Sex and the City! Lock me up, please!

Natalie Portman: Who did her makeup, the Olly Girls? Let's take the Mystic down a notch. But finally, a glimmer of hope! A pink appearance on the red carpet. My heart flutters.

Beyonce: It's time to get a lock on that closet, Miss Ross.

Mickey Rourke: I don't care what everyone says. Just because you're Mickey Rourke doesn't mean you can get away with this stuff. Maybe at any other award show, but show some respect! This is the Academy.

Jessica Biel: Get off the phone and brush your hair.

Meryl Streep: Neck up- gorgeous! Her hair has never looked better. But the color of her dress? Foccacta. Boring.

Evan Rachel Wood: The shocking red hair has to go. The curl in the front is pretty, but that bun needs a heaping help of extensions. And you're no Angelina- I don't want to see your
tattoos in your evening gown.

Angelina Jolie: Finally! I knew there was a movie star in there somewhere. Am I disappointed in the black? A little. But at least she has ferosh hair. And a smile!

Penelope Cruz: Bangs. No.

Marion Cotillard: I already forgot who you were, but unfortunately, I can't get that sequined mess out of my head. Please go away.

Kate Winslet: Hair is perfection. The dress looks amazing on her, but I was really hoping that she would wear something other than black or blue tonight. So of course, she wears both! But hey, it's all about the fit. If I look half that good in ten years, I'll take it.


Whew! What a night- and it's only 9 pm.

I'm back...well, I will be. In a minute.

I have returned!

Unfortunately, I'm so uninspired right now that I am boring myself practically to sleep. Now maybe it's the Vicodin talking (no I am not getting in touch with my inner starlet- I had my wisdom teeth out on Thursday), but I am trying to pull myself out of my never-ending state of blah-ness, but it's just not happening. 

Like so many other projects I've begun and ultimately have been disappointed in, this is not what I had hoped for with this blog. I figured since it wasn't required and there were no due dates or deadlines, it would be something that I would be dying to work on. In my whimsical blogging daydream, I would bounce through the front door from another hectic day and sit down at my computer, amazingly refreshed at the thought of letting loose all of my gripping thoughts that had been swimming around in my head all day, just waiting for a creative outlet. 

Instead, I continued my disappointing but not surprising behavior- thinking about all the things I planned on doing without executing any of them. Between starting my new (sort of) grown up job (with benefits- what what?!) and moving into the apartment, certain things have fallen by the wayside. Hopefully someone out there is disappointed, but if not, it's okay- because no one is more disappointed than me.

So yeah, it's almost March. In spite of that, I am challenging myself follow some new resolutions. In case you can't tell, this is one of them. A big one. Because those celebutantes aren't going to mock themselves.

Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Woman-izer

Like so many other 23 year-olds with nothing to do at 10 p.m. on a Friday night, I tuned into ABC News to see the premiere of Britney Spears' new video for "Womanzier," which is currently one of my fave songs of the moment. Since I completely forgot about it until I saw it mentioned in someone's status on Facebook (thanks Ezra!). I was giddy to discover that although I flipped to Channel 5 at 10:52, I hadn't missed it. Apparently, ABC follows the typical evening news show format where they advertise a segment for a week and then make you wait until the last 10 minutes of the show to actually see it. 

So what's my verdict? Like many other performances I've observed of Britney's in the past year, I'd have to say...eh. 

You've heard it from everyone else, and I'll admit it too- I am totally rooting for her. No one does getting ready for a party songs like Brit, and nothing inspires me to work out more (or at least, seriously think about it) than watching Britney videos, circa 2001. I still whip out my "In the Zone" publicity tour DVD and wish that I could have even a sliver of that kind of natural rhythmic ability.

Obviously, Britney has moved past the whole head-shaving, custody battling, paparazzi dating persona she's fallen into within the past few years. But have we? Ever since her tearful interview with Matt Lauer a few years ago (the one where she was pregnant with Jayden James and had obviously gotten into a fight with her makeup artist that day), every time I've see her since, I have the same reaction- a slight cringe, followed by a sad "aww."

Sure, she looks a bazillion times better than she did during 2007-2008. We'll refer to this as the "Blackout" period, and I'm not referring to her album that was released during that time. Yes, she's won a few MTV awards (why? still not quite sure, because the video "Piece of Me" felt like a giant "Piece of Crap"), which is something she never even achieved during her almost decade of trophy deserving performances, which only reaffirms MTV and its complete and utter failure to represent the music community correctly. Her body has improved exponentially, as it seems her enablers... I mean staff must have gotten her some kind of Starbuck patch to slowly ween her off what I can only imagine was not the worst of her vices. Sure, she's not nude-bodysuit-covered-in-sparkles kind of shape, but you have to give the 26 year old mother of two some credit. 

Needless to say, despite the improvements she has made, there is something about her that doesn't seem to be there anymore. Britney is still not an amazing voacalist, but she never really needed to be. She is (was?) an entertainer! This girl made hundreds of millions of dollars selling out concerts, hawking products, and appearing semi-nude on practically every magazine cover from 1998-2006. When was singing ever a necessary variable in the equation? So what if she represented everything that was going wrong with the music industry- she was the ultimate Lolita/girl next door hybrid, and I loved every second of it! Don't scoff at me. You felt it too. 

So where did it go? Like I've felt so many times this year, from the How I Met Your Mother guest appearances to the opening skit of the MTV Awards, she seems like she is half committed, and half bored out of her mind. It makes me sad to watch, because I can't help but feel that Larry Rudolph is standing in the background, coaxing her through her lines and dance moves while assuring her it's almost over. 

It doesn't help that the video for "Womanizer" is a total rip off of "Toxic," which happens to be one of my favorite Britney songs EVER. The two both feature Brit as some sort of master of disguises (a blonde, brunette and a redhead- genius!) who jumps in and out of scenes, straddling some hunk in a suit. In the other parts of the video, she stars as- ta da!- a naked version of herself, while strategically covering her girly bits. The only difference is that she replaced the "Toxic" rhinestones with a sauna, which apparently gave her fresh extentions a dingy film and two inches of brown roots. 

What kills me is that most of her dancing, which is basically what got her to where she is and sort of made it all okay that she didn't ever sing live, seems to have slipped out of her range of abilities. When she bombed the VMA's last year, it didn't take a Nobel prize winner to crack the case of how she forgot all her moves. If you wanted Britney 2007 to perform or speak coherently, why would you ever hold your event in Las Vegas?! Cut to a year later, after watching her stroll in and out of dance studios, sneaking peeks at "leaked" videos of top secret rehearsals, and "Womanizer" does not showcase a single Britney move that made me think "she's baaaaaack" (cue creepy Poltergeist child). She's not back, she's just there. 

I've said it before, and I mean it now more than ever. Britney please- just go home. Let us enjoy the memory of your kickass concerts, killer abs and adorable product placements (Pepsi! For those who think young *wink*). We won't forget you. There's this thing now called YouTube, and it doesn't let us forget anything. You can make your perfumes and eat at the Ivy every once in a while (when you look and feel your most fabulous, of course). But most importantly, focus on raising Small Fry and Tater Tot. They're still at the age where they may not remember any of this. And treat yourself to that mocha latte with the whipped cream and chocolate drizzle, only sparingly of course. you've earned it.